Redwall's Next Top Model
by Kelaiah
Summary: Where 12 female canon characters compete to show that they are the role model for all Redwall female characters.
1. Intro to Contest

**Redwall's Next Top Model**

A ferret stepped out from behind a red curtain and glanced upwards at the story's title: "Redwall's Next Top Model", and turned and looked at the reader with a charming smile.

"That's right people!" the ferret proclaimed, who at lot of people had guessed by now was called "Kelaiah" (that is, if you've already read a lot of my work, so if you haven't, you most likely didn't guess that, so that's okay). "You may have heard of 'America's Next Top Model', but now we're going to find out who here in Mossflower has the potential to be a model!"

The tall, skinny ferret then walked over to a screen where a remote control lay on a side table, explaining as he did, "The Candidates are:

**Mariel Gullwhacker**, daughter of Joseph the Bellmaker,

**Rose** (Laterose) of Noonvale, daughter of Urran Voh,

**Cornflower Fieldmouse**, wife of Matthias the Warrior and mother of Mattimeo the Warrior,

**Celandine**, singer of the Rambling Rosehip Players,

**Treerose** of Mossflower, wife of Oak Tom,

**Trimp** the Roving Hedgehog,

**Mhera**, Abbess of Redwall and sister of Deyna Taggerung,

**Fwirl**, wife of Friar Broggle and mother of Sister Rosabel,

**Bluefen**, wife of Swartt Sixclaw and mother of Veil Sixclaw the Outcast,

**Dotti Dillworthy**, first General of the Long Patrol,

**Pasque Valerian**, wife of Tammo De Fformelo Tussock,

**Armel**, Infirmary Keeper and wife of Rakkety Tam Macburl and mother of Melanda Macburl."

For each name the ferret clicked the remote at the screen, and each time it showed a picture of the creature he was talking about. When it was finally over, the ferret turned and began to explain everything to the reader:

"These twelve lovelies will be competing throughout various trials in order to prove that they are the Role Model for all females in Mossflower. Vote for your favorite character to help them win! (Though try to be fair and logical in your voting please.)

"The first challenge will be. . . ." the ferret paused dramatically.

"Cooking."

The ferret glanced around, then scowled. "Oh come on, people, this is REDWALL, the place that's known for the great feasts it gives, of COURSE the first challenge was going to be cooking! _Sheesh._

"For more information," continued the ferret in a much more calmer tone, "please continue on to Chapter 2."


	2. More Info

**Belated Disclaimer:** I do not own Redwall. And a lot of the following character descriptions are taken from the books because that's the best place to find out what fictional book characters look like. 

**Redwall's Next Top Model**

"Now as you all already know," Kelaiah continued, figuring that the reader had continued on the Chapter 2, otherwise this stuff wouldn't be read in the first place. "The Contestants are:

* * *

**Cornflower** - _(very pretty mousemaid with the long eyelashes, bright eyes, velvety soft fur, and white teeth; wore a pinafore and a pale yellow headband bordered with cornflowers.)_

**Mariel** - _(very pretty mousemaid in a light green linen habit.)_

**Treerose** - _(charming little red squirrelmaid, very pretty, with sharp little dewclaws.)_

**Rose** - _(very pretty mousemaid, a beauty with a quiet smile, serene features, and the most gentle hazel eyes that ever reflected starlight. Her laughter was like a summer breeze among bluebells, and her wondrous clear voice would sing melodiously like a warm breeze on a soft night.)_

**Celandine** - _(extremely pretty squirrelmaid, fair, charming, and graceful, so beautiful, pretty enough to break one's heart, wore a tunic quartered gold and crimson with green border and a black tie belt, trimmed with frills and furbelows.)_

**Bluefen** - _(ferretmaid, pretty enough, a delicate spring flower.)_

**Pasque** - _(beautiful haremaid, with soft brown eyes, the prettiest hare of her time, delightful, with long lashes, a soft voice, and gentle smile; wore a crimson silken ribbon about neck and a gold bracelet with three emeralds.)_

**Trimp** - _(tall, slender, pretty hedgehogmaid wearing a tunic and a beautiful fishbone bracelet; fine clear voice, a good singer; a young beauty with a normal good pallor, her smile would have charmed the birds out of the trees and could charm the stars out of the skies with just a flutter of her eyelashes.)_

**Dotti** -_ (pretty haremaid, tall and lanky, with powerful rangy footpaws, simply clad in a short green tunic and a demure cloak of light blue with the slightest hint of a frill at its neck and a flowered straw bonnet.)_

**Mhera** - _(tall, pretty ottermaid, dressed in a soft magnolia robe with a brown cord girdle.)_

**Fwirl **- _(startlingly beautiful squirrelmaid, with huge almond eyes, dainty paws, snow-white teeth, perfect features, a curling red-gold tail, and a charming smile that lit up the bright summer day even more, clad in a short belted tunic of soft green.)_

**Armel** - _(pretty squirrelmaid, fascinating beauty, with the most beautiful eyes: deep dark brown, big and soft, innocent and gentle; wore an apron.)_

_

* * *

_

"-and the trials which they will be going through to prove themselves worthy of being the role model for female creatures in Mossflower, are:

* * *

1) Cooking

2) Singing

3) Riddle solving

4) Weaponry/fighting

5) Disguising selves as vermin

6) Defending the abbey

7) Healing

8) Rescuing prisoners

9) Escaping prison

10) Boating

* * *

"-The way how this will go," went on Kelaiah, "is that all twelve contestants will complete in the ten trials, and the reviewers will judge who did best and who did worst in each trial. 

"And _how_ the reviewers will judge is that they will number all twelve contestants and number them according to how well they did, twelve being the lowest and one being the highest.

"Throughout the trials all twelve will remain and NOT be voted off one-by-one, because that way we can enjoy each character a bit more and each character has more of a chance to win. (Plus there are some trials that different characters would be good at and it'd be interesting to see them do it.)

"All reviewers MUST review for **each** chapter so that they can evaluate the progress of each character.

"Then finally. . . ." said the tall young ferret, widening his eyes in a pathetic attempt to look all big and imposing. ". . . the _two_ who did the best overall job will continue on to determine who will be Redwall's Next Top Model.

"And if you wish to participate, please continue on to Chapter 3."


	3. Trial 1

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Redwall. 

**A/N:** Also, I shall be trying to keep all the following Canon characters as realistic as possible, although a few liberties _will_ be taken (but even the liberties will be reasonably realistic; they are being taken because there are a few things that are not touched upon in the books).

* * *

**Trial 1:** Cooking 

_(A tall, skinny ferret with rectangular glasses framing his brown eyes steps out)_

**Kelaiah:** Ah! G'day folks! How are you all doin'? Good? Good. Now then, I _trust_ that you all read the directions on how to vote and such? If you haven't, kindly go back over the other two chapters and read them _very carefully,_ and then resume reading this chapter. . . . But don't worry, people. If you're still a little confused on how to vote, it will be further explained at the end of the chapter. And now, _(raises voice)_ if our contestants would kindly step out?

_(All twelves contestents kindly step out.)_

**Kelaiah:** Thank you. Now then ladies, say hi to the nice reviewers out there.

**Contestants:** Hi! _(some of the contestants, such as Celandine and Dotti blow kisses in an overdone way, while some like Bluefen shy away from view)_

**Mariel: **_(suspicously)_ Hey. Why are we suddenly in script format?

**Kelaiah:** Because then it would be easier to keep track of things. Now then, you all know why you are here?

**Contestants:** YEAH! _(cheers)_

**Kelaiah:** Well good, ladies, because we are going to start _right now._

**Contestants:** _(blank silence. Then break out into excited cheers, while others look anxious)_

**Kelaiah:** Are you guys hungry?

**Contestants:** _(blank stares) _What?

**Kelaiah:** _(grinning) _Are you guys _hungry?!_

**Contestants:** Um. . . . yeah. . . . a little. . . . heehee. . . . yeah! Sure!

**Kelaiah:** Good. Cuz that's the first challenge. _Cooking! (pulls a rope beside him and the curtain behind him falls to reveal the kitchens of Redwall Abbey, filled with twelve ovens and stoves and PLENTY of ingredients for any meal the contestants fancy to cook)_

**Contestants:** _(gasping and laughing and cheering)_

**Kelaiah: **That's right, ladies. Your first challenge is cooking. You're all going to be fixing up a plate for one of the famous Redwall Feasts, which will take place _tonight_.

**Contesants:** _(cheer even louder and some give each other high fives)_

**Kelaiah:** So you all will prepare a dish to take to the feast tonight, _but,_ in order for you to actually be able to take it up. . . .

**Contestants: **_(tensely wait)_

**Kelaiah:** . . . . _I_ get to taste-test.

**Contestants:**_ (laugh and cheer)_

**Kelaiah:** So what are you all waiting for?! Get cracking! _(gestures at the kitchen, and then is shoved over by the tidal wave of females)_ Owww. . . .

_

* * *

_

_(The following are commentaries of some of the contestants:)_

**Fwirl:** I was a little surprised that we had to do the first challenge so soon, but I think it's an appropriate one, considering that this is _Redwall_. And I think I've got a pretty good chance at this one, because my husband Broggle gave me a few lessons on how to make those lovely farls of his.

**Mariel:** People seem to think that I'm all tomboyish, that I'm all just warring and fighting and getting dirty and all like that. Well, this is my chance to prove to the world that there's more to me than _that._

* * *

_(As for what goes on in the kitchen, well, let's just save that for the Contestants to explain about that when they bring forth their creations)_

* * *

_(Kelaiah stands behind a long table covered with a clean white table cloth. On either side of him are a hare and an otter. Very soon all the Contestants walk through the door, bearing covered trays of what they made in the kitchen)_

**Kelaiah:** Well ladies, did you have fun?

**Contestants:** _(cheers and laughter) _Yes! Yes! Whoa!

**Kelaiah:** Well, here is where the fun stops.

**Contestants:**_ (blink blink)_

**Kelaiah:** You have to run your stuff by me. . . .oh, and by Basil Stag Hare and Cheek Stag Otter here. I decided I needed some big eaters to help me with this trial.

**Basil:** Hellooooo, ladies! What handsome young fillies, bringing all this lovely tuck to an old footscout like me, wot wot!

**Cheek:**_ (who, it might be noted, has grown up and is now a huge burly otter)_ Oh wot wot, let's see what the jolly ol' fillies have cooked up for us, eh, wotwot?

**Kelaiah:** That's enough guys. Now then, from what I understand, some of you made meals for dinner, while others made desserts.

**Contestants:**_ (nod)_

**Kelaiah:** Okay, now here's how its going to go: now you all know the rule that your parents taught you, 'eat dinner before dessert'?

**Contestants/Basil/Cheek:**_ (all stare at Kelaiah for a moment, then burst out laughing a la "Recess")_ G-good one, Kel! Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaa!

**Kelaiah:** _(rolls eyes)_ Whatever. The ones who made dinner plates will go before the ones who made dessert plates, alright?

**Contestants/Basi/Cheek:**_ (wipe mirth from their eyes and nod, giving out a few chuckles)_

**Kelaiah:** _(serious-faced)_ Now then. . . . Will Bluefen please step forward?

* * *

**Bluefen:** _(looks startled at being called first, but nonetheless comes forward obediently)_

**Kelaiah:** _(sits down) _Alright, please set the tray down and take off the lid so we can see what you have made.

**Bluefen:**_ (does so and takes off the lid to reveal a roasted fish with sliced fruit sprinkling it)_

**Kelaiah:** Now was there any particular reason why you made this?

**Bluefen:** _(softly) _It was what I made when Swartt brought the horde to Mossflower. Right before we were attacked by the crows.

**Kelaiah:** I see. Well, why don't you serve us up a portion and we'll see how well you did, eh?

**Bluefen:** _(takes serving utensils and puts a small portion on each of the three judges' plates)_

_(for a moment there is silence as Kelaiah, Basil, and Cheek take a bite of Bluefen's fish. Then their eyes light up)_

**Basil:** Mmmmm-_mm!_ Jolly good, my good lady! Jolly good! Very lovely, toodle pip, absolutely top hole, wotwot!

**Cheek:** _(who had previously been scarfing the rest down, looks up, wiping scales away from his whiskers)_ Oh yes, wot wot, you've made it as nice as you look, wotwot!

**Bluefen:** _(blushes modestly and hunches up shoulders and smiles sheepishly)_ Thank you.

**Kelaiah:** _(stands up, smiling)_ You've done a great job, Bluefen. Absolutely wonderful. Congradulations!

**Bluefen:** Thank you.

**Kelaiah:** Now then, would you kindly move your tray down a bit to give room for the next- _Cheek! What did I tell you?! No seconds!_

**Cheek:**_ (pulls back paw from trying to get a second helping of Bluefen's fish and pouts)_ Spoil sport.

**Basil:** Don't be cheeky to your elders, young rip- EEYOWCH!_ (he also had been trying to get seconds)_

**Kelaiah:** No seconds for you either, mister! I told you, you've got to keep this brief to give the other contestants a chance!

**Basil:** _(waving sore paw)_ Alright, alright, but you don't have to go and hammer me old paw off, doncha know.

**Kelaiah:** Whatever.

_(Bluefen moves her tray down to the end of the table and waits there)_

**Kelaiah:** Uh, yeah, _(gestures at Bluefen while explaining to the others)_ you all can just wait by your trays while we all decide, okay? Now then, will Cornflower please step forward?

* * *

**Cornflower:** _(steps forward confidently with a large cauldren with steam spilling forth from beneath the lid)_

**Kelaiah:** Alright, Cornflower, lets see what you made.

**Cornflower:**_ (lifts lid to reveal steaming hot vegetable soup)_

**Kelaiah:** Alright. Any reason why you made this?

**Cornflower: **Well it was the same type of soup I made when I burnt Cluny's wall tower, so I thought why not?

**Kelaiah:** Alright. Well, why don't you serve us up some and we'll see how you did?

**Cornflower:**_ (scooping some soup in the judge's bowls)_ Careful though, its very hot.

**Cheek:** Will do, Miss Cornflower, will-

**Basil:** YEOWCH! _(fans wildly at mouth)_

**Kelaiah:** _Basil!_

**Cornflower:** I_ told_ you it was hot!

**Basil:** Yeowch, ooh, ooh, _(grabs at some water and chugs it down)_ ooh, ooh, _(pants)_ mmm-mch! Wonderful soup, me young gel! Absoluballylutely scrumptuos, wotwot!

**Cheek:** _(who, being an otter and thus used to eating hot stuff, had downed his and was smacking his lips appreciately)_ Very good, me young gel, very good, top hole, wotwot! Say Kel, me old lad, are you going to finish that?

**Kelaiah:**_ (who had been prissily blowing on his soup, gives Cheek a glare)_ _Yes. (then to Cornflower) _This is lovely, Cornflower. It's just like how my mom makes it.

**Cornflower:** Aww! Thank you! _(puts lid back on cauldren and carries it down to Bluefen)_

**Kelaiah:** _(wiping mouth with napkin)_ Alright, next up, Pasque.

* * *

**Pasque:** _(steps forward with her creation and takes off the lid)_ Alright, I made a Mossflower wedge and the reason I made it is because when my husband Tammo and I first came to Redwall we made this together at one of the feasts. 

**Kelaiah:** Alright, well, lets have a piece and see how you did.

**Pasque:** _(serves small portions)_ Oh, I remembered everything almost exactly, only Tammo wasn't there so it took me a bit longer than usual, but I think it turned out alright-

**Basil:** MMM-_mm!_ _(makes the gasping noise that he does in the TV show)_

**Cheek:** Mmmm-mmmm. . . . oh that's good.

**Kelaiah:** Mmmm, it _is_ good.

**Pasque:** _(beaming)_ Thank you.

**Kelaiah:** Congradulations!

**Pasque:** Thanks!

**Kelaiah:** Now if you'll wait with our other contestants _(gestures at Bluefen and Cornflower)._

**Pasque:** _(takes Wedge and goes to stand next to the other two)_

**Kelaiah:** Now if Fwirl would step forward?

* * *

**Fwirl:** _(perkily)_ I made little farls of warm bread and I made these because they were my favorite things that Broggle made, and once he made a few with me. _(serves the judges)_

**Basil:** Mmm-mm! Delicious! Positively delicious!

**Cheek:** Oh wot wot! What a jolly ol' farl you've made 'ere, young squirrel, wotwot!

**Kelaiah:** Yeah Fwirl, these are really good. Way to go!

**Fwirl:** Thanks. It was Broggle who taught me, I never would've done it if it weren't for him. _(waves at camera)_ Hi sweetie! _(blows a kiss)_

**Kelaiah:** Haha, alright, Fwirl. Now why don't you wait for awhile by the other contestants?

**Fwirl:** _(Takes her tray and stands by the other three)_

**Kelaiah:** Alright then, now if Armel would kindly step forward?

* * *

**Armel:**_ (steps up)_ Hi. Well, I made some cheese and onion farls, and I did because they are my husband's favorite. 

**Kelaiah:** Hm, a lot of you are making these meals according to your husbands.

**Armel: **_(shrugs)_ Its a theme.

**Kel/Basil/Cheek:**_ (laughs)_

**Kelaiah:** Alright, serve us up and lets see how you did.

**Armel:** _(serves up three farls)_

**Basil:** Mmmm! Oh, jolly good, you pretty charmer you! No wonder its your old husband's favorite!

**Cheek:** Mmm, oh, wotwot, I sure am glad to be here eating all these lovely creations, wotwot!

**Armel:** _(giggles)_ Thanks.

**Kelaiah:** Yes, they're very good, Armel. Alright, if you would wait by the other contestants?

**Armel: **_(takes tray and stands by the others)_

**Kelaiah:** Alright then, would Dotti please step forward?

* * *

**Dotti:** _(steps forward with a nervous gait) _Ah heh, well chaps, mine didn't go so well. 

**Kel:**_ (cocking head, mildly concerned)_ Oh?

**Dotti:** Yes, well, y'see, we had a little accident in the kitchens.

**Kelaiah:** _(perks up)_ Accident?

**Dotti:** _(hurriedly)_ Oh its alright! Its alright, no need to get into a tizzwozz old chap, I put the fire out-

**Kelaiah:** _Fire?!_

**Dotti:** Yes, well, y'see, I, uh, had been making a salad, and well I . . . burnt it.

**Kelaiah:**_ . . . You burnt a salad?!_

**Basil/Cheek:**_ (both stare at Dotti; they think she must be joking)_

**Kelaiah:** Haven't you been taking cooking classes from your Aunt Blench?

**Dotti: **Yes, well uh . . . us fatal beauty types tend to be awful cooks, eh? Heh heh, ah heh heh, ah heh heh. . . .

**Kelaiah:**_ (looks at Bluefen, who is very pretty and like a delicate spring flower; Cornflower, who is also very pretty with velvety fur and white teeth; Pasque, who was the prettiest haremaid on Salamandastron of her time; Armel, who has a pretty face with fascinatingly beautiful brown eyes; and Fwirl, who is startlingly beautiful, with perfect features, snow-white teeth, huge almond eyes and perfect features; all of whom have gone before Dotti and received high praise notes from the judges)_ Uh huh. Well, thanks for telling us that, Dotti. Now would you be so kind as to wait for the other contestants?

**Dotti:** _(ears droop and she takes her salad and hurries to the other side of the table, away from all the other contestants)_

**Kelaiah:** _(sigh)_ Now then, would Mariel please step forward?

* * *

**Mariel:** _(gives Dotti a smug look as she brings her's out)_ Hi. I made a fruit salad of strawberries, apples, plums, and pears. 

**Basil/Cheek:** Whooooo. . . .

**Kelaiah:** And, any reason why. . . .?

**Mariel:** Well I had made this when Dandin and I helped Bowly teach those weasel-slavers a lesson. _(smiles grimly)_

**Kelaiah: **Ah yes, I remember. Well, why don't you serve us up some and we'll see how you did.

**Kel/Basil/Cheek:** Mmm! Oh, mmm! Oh, delicous! Gooooood, oh, mmm!

**Mariel:** _(smiles broadly)_ Yes, there's more to me than just whacking gulls, you know.

**Kelaiah:** _(wiping whiskers)_ So I see. Now then, if you would kindly wait with the other contestants?

**Mariel:** _(takes tray and goes down to stand by Bluefen and the others, away from Dotti, who glowers at Mariel)_

**Kelaiah:** Up next, Treerose.

* * *

**Treerose:**_ (steps up)_ I made a woodland summercream pudding. Abbot Bernard told me before he died that I made the best, and my husband agreed wholeheartedly. Now all I need is for you guys to say the same. 

**Kelaiah:** Well, serve us up some if you please and we'll see if we agree.

**Treerose:** _(scoops out a bit more than the other contestants have)_

**Basil:** MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

**Cheek:** OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH!

**Basil/Cheek:** That's GOOD! _(dig into their pudding wildly)_

**Kelaiah:** _(doesn't say anything because he's too busy taking big gobfuls of pudding)_

**Treerose:**_ (smiles)_ I believe I've won my case.

**Kelaiah:**_ (nodding, his muzzle covered with cream)_ Mm-hm, mm-hm, now uh _(quickly swallows),_ thank you Treerose. Now, if you would just uh, wait a bit?

**Treerose:** _(takes up pudding and goes to stand next to Dotti)_

**Kelaiah:** Oh my_ (licks muzzle)._ Now uh, would Trimp come forward?

* * *

**Trimp:** Wow, now _that_ is certainly an act to follow. 

**Kel/Basil/Cheek:** Oh yeah! Hahaha!

**Trimp:** Well, I made a candied fruit turnover, and I made this when we were travelling up north to find Martin's father. It was right after we escaped the water rats, I think. _(serves up some)_

**Basil:** Mm, mm, good tuck, me pretty gel! Top hole, wot!

**Cheek:** Indeed, wot wot! This was absobally excellent!

**Kelaiah:** Mm-hm. Very good, Trimp, very good. Thank you.

**Trimp:** No, thank _you._ _(takes tray and goes to stand with Treerose and Dotti)_

**Kelaiah:** Up next, Rose.

* * *

**Rose:**_ (steps up and sets down tray and lifts lid)_ I made a damson and hazelnut flan topped with mintcream and I made it because it was what Martin and I ate on our first night at Noonvale together. 

**Kelaiah:** Ahh, that's sweet.

**Rose:** Mm-hm. Thank you. Here you all go. _(serves it up)_

**Basil:** Mmm, mmm! Exquisite, exquisite! What good tuck you lot must have up there in Noonvale! I must drop by sometime.

**Rose:** _(smiles teasingly_) I don't know if we could handle it.

**Kel/Cheek:** _(laughs)_

**Cheek:** She's got your number, doesn't she, old one? Hahahahahaha! _(giggles)_

**Basil:** _(ears stand up rigid, then droop)_ Eh, point taken. Still, its a lovely trifle you've got here, young gel! Mm, mmrrrch!

**Kelaiah:** Alright, guys, settle down. Thanks Rose, that was lovely.

**Rose:** Your welcome, and thanks for the lovely complements! _(takes tray and stands by Trimp)_

**Kelaiah:** Up next, Mhera!

* * *

**Mhera:**_ (steps forward)_ Hello. I made a raspberry cream turnover, and I made it because once I helped my mother make these. 

**Kelaiah:** Well they look delicious.

**Mhera:** Thank you. And hopefully they'll taste delicious. _(serves the judges each a turnover)_

**Basil:** Mmm-mm! I say, young otter, this is one of the tastiest turnovers I've ever had!

**Mhera:** Thank you, its one of my mother's recipes.

**Basil:** Well you did a good job of following it, young gel! What d'you think, Cheek old lad?

**Cheek:** Oh, its lovely. Lovely lovely lovely. Its almost as lovely as the pretty cook _(gives Mhera a flirty look)._ OW!_ (rubs head and looks indignantly at Basil and Kelaiah, both of whom smacked him upside the head)_

**Basil:** _(wags paw at Cheek) _Now, now, young un, you're too young to be thinking of girls!

**Cheek:** _What?!_ But I'm-

**Kelaiah:** _(wagging claw at Cheek)_ No flirting with the contestants!

**Cheek:** Hmph!

**Mhera:** _(doesn't know where to put her face)_

**Kelaiah:** Well thank you, Mhera, thank you so much.

**Mhera:** _(waves paw)_ Oh, thank you, Kelaiah, and Basil and Cheek. _(gives Cheek a sweet smile, who grins glowingly)_

**Basil:** _(elbows Cheek)_ No flirting!

**Cheek:** Hmph!

**Kelaiah:** Now, if you'll wait with the other contestants?

**Mhera:** _(takes tray and, giving Cheek a final sweet smile, goes off to stand by Rose and the others)_

**Basil:**_(nudges Cheek sharply)_

**Cheek:** Ah, garraway, yah ol' longears!

**Basil:** Longears?! Why I oughtta-

**Kelaiah:** GUYS!

**Basil/Cheek:** Sorry.

**Kelaiah:** Fine. Now, last but hopefully not least, Celandine, please come forward?

* * *

**Celandine:** _(flounces over in an overdone way and flutters eyelashes in a most charming manner as she sets down her tray and takes off the lid)_ Well, well, aren't we all such handsome hunks though? 

**Basil/Cheek:** _(grin and chortle, Basil smoothing his whiskers while Cheek flexes his muscles, the two of them ab-libbing things like "Oh you're quite a handsome young filly yourself, wotwot!" and "Oh, sorry, but I'm taken. Don't worry Mhera, you're still my number one girl!")_

**Kelaiah:** _(doesn't even smile, glancing at his skinny limbs)_ Uh huh. Yeah, right. Now then, what did you make?

**Celandine:** What did I make? _(pauses, then looks into tray)_ . . . .I made a pie!

**Kelaiah:** A pie. . . . What kind of pie?

**Celandine:** Ummm,_ (glances down at pie again) _a - berry pie!

**Kelaiah:**_ (cocks eyebrow)_ Really. And would you mind telling us just HOW this was made? _In detail?_

**Celandine:** _(blinks, as though she had not been expecting this)_ Oh, uh, well, uh, see, I, uh, I, um, put these, um, took these berries and, um, put them into this bowl here, and weeell, yatta yatta yatta!_ (waves paws around)_

**Kelaiah:** _(slowly blinks)_ 'Yatta yatta yatta' . . . . _(reaches over, seizes the pie and throws it over his shoulder, meaning he (rightly) doesn't believe a word of it, but Cheek and Basil yelp and leap to save it)_

**Basil:** I say, old chap, chucking perfectly good scoff around here and there, bad form y'know, bad form!

**Cheek:** Aye aye, bad form, old chap! Bad form!

**Kelaiah:** _(ignoring them)_ I would like to take this time to reveal to you all that there were secruity cameras in the kitchen, and this is what I saw. _(pulls out a remote that looks a lot like the little zapper thing from the dating show and presses a button that makes a screen appear out of nowhere to show the following:)_

* * *

_(The screen shows Celandine sneaking off out of the kitchen and poking her head out the doorway where she sees a young male squirrel)_

_Celandine: (flutters eyelashes) Yoo hoo . . . hey handsome. _

_Male squirrel: (eyes widen and grins sheepishly) He-hey. . . ._

_Celandine: (lowering her eyelids) So do you know anything about cooking?_

_Male squirrel: (excited) Do I?!_

_(Celandine then sneaks the male squirrel in, but the other contestants are so busy cooking and conversing with each other that they don't notice what Celandine is doing. Somehow Celandine manages to keep the male squirrel's head down behind the counter, making it look like she's working all by herself, but if you look closely you'll see his paws reaching up to add some random ingredient. And when Dotti sets her salad on fire, Celandine takes the chance and shoves the pie in the oven and the male squirrel under a pile of potatoe sacks. Celandine then waits by the potatoe sacks, pretending to be primping, while in reality she is listening for the male squirrel to tell her when to take the pie out.)_

* * *

**Kelaiah:** _(switches off the screen and looks at Celandine)_

**Celandine:** _(tries to make herself look too cute to punish) _Ah heh. Whoops. Hee hee. . . .

**Kelaiah:**_ (poker-faced)_ Kindlly stand by the other contestants.

**Celandine:**_ (flounces off towards the others with her tail covering her face)_

**Other Contestants:** _(all shake their heads at Celandine; Dotti suddenly feels better about her own concotion)_

**Kelaiah:**_ (stands up and looks at all the contestants)_ Now . . . most of you, did very well. _(glances at Dotti and Celandine, who glower and blush)_ But how well each of you did, well, that is open for the reviewers. The reviewers will now vote on who they thought was the best . . . and who they thought was the worst. Any questions?

**Mariel:**_ (raises paw)_ Yes, when will we know about the votes?

**Kelaiah:** _(opens mouth, then shuts it, then rubs his chin)_ Hmmm. . . . interesting question. I think you'll find out about them at the end of the show. . . . maybe. I'm not sure yet. But, in the meantime, would you all take your trays up and wait in the back room while the reviews submit their votes in? When I call you back, we'll see who gets to take their meal up to the Feast.

**Contestants:**_ (cheer heartily and carry their trays up, except for Dotti and Celandine, who look grim and slightly worried)_

* * *

**A Reminder on _HOW_ to Vote:**

For each trial, the reviewer will make a list of who they thought did the best and go all the down to the one they thought who was worst (plus it might be nice if the reviewer put down why they think that character deserves the spot they're in).

For example, the reviewer will put down something like this:

1. Cornflower (I think she did best b/c...)

2. Rose (she did 2nd best b/c...)

3...etc

12. Celandine (she did the worst b/c...)

See what I mean?

_ANY REVIEWER WHO DOES NOT FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS, HIS OR HER VOTE WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED! AND I MEAN IT!_

Ahem. Anyway. . . .

Of course, not every reviewer will put down the same thing, but that's not something I'm particularly worried about, for I'm pretty sure that around the top three there will be a few general names that will be named more than others, so yeah.

When we get to the end of all the trials, the two characters who have had their names in the top two of everyone's lists the most will be the finalists.

There. That explain everything? Hope so.


	4. The Judging

**Disclaimer: **I only own Kelaiah the ferret. Nothing else.

Well here is the moment you've all been waiting foooooooooooooor!!!!

* * *

Kelaiah stood alone behind the long table, his expression grim and foreboding. Along the table were eleven trays all covered with lids. 

The twelve contestants came out, all of them as solemn-faced as though they were going to the executioner (which they kinda were).

"The votes are in," said Kelaiah, unsmiling. "For this trial . . . there is a winner . . . a loser . . . and all the rest in between.

"Now just for the record, some of the reviewers had to re-vote because they were mistaken about a few things, so hopefully that won't happen in the future. Hopefully."

The ferret paused, looking out at the maidens with somber brown eyes.

"There are twelve contestants in front of me," he continued, "but only eleven trays are in front of me. The loser's tray will _not_ be one of them.

"The _first_ tray that I pick out will be the contestant who _won_ this challenge."

The male ferret paused and peered through his rectangle-shaped spectacles at the twelve beautiful females that stood before him - and mentally sighed, knowing that only in fanfiction could a thing like this happen to him.

Each of the contestants looked worried enough, though some looked a little more grim than the others. Kelaiah could tell they were just dying to know who was the winner, and more importantly, who was the loser.

* * *

Finally the tall male ferret walked to one end of the table, and stood by the tray at the very end. 

"The winner of the cooking challenge is. . . ."

Everybeast held their breath.

Kelaiah lifted the lid.

* * *

"Treerose." 

The squirrelmaid in question gave a huge heave of breath that was quickly followed by gleeful squeals. Mariel smiled and gave her friend a huge hug.

"Congratulations," the mousemaid whispered to the squirrelmaid.

"Thank you!" squealed Treerose, wiping at her eyes and coming forward, some of the other contestants patting her on the back.

The jubilant squirrel came over to where Kelaiah stood next to her dish.

Kelaiah smiled for the first time. "Congratulations, as Mariel said. Your pudding was the general favorite of the reviewers. Some of them said they thought it was 'delish' and that it made them drool. You're the winner of the cooking challenge."

"Thank you!" murmured Treerose, continuing to wipe tears from her eyes. She just couldn't seem to stop smiling.

"Wait right here, please," the ferret said as he went down to the other end of the table. All eyes were on him.

* * *

"The next dish is the one who placed second," Kelaiah explained, his face going back into deadpan mode. 

For a moment nobeast breathed.

The lid was lifted.

"Rose."

The mousemaid's shoulders slumped with relaxation. She shared a few hugs with the other contestants and came over to where Kelaiah waited.

"Congratulations," the ferret murmured, smiling down at her. "Some of the reviewers said your flan sounded the most complex."

"Oh, thank you," Rose replied, standing by her tray, glowing.

Kelaiah walked back to the other end of the table and placed his paw on the lid next to Treerose's dish.

"The one who came in third. . . ."

* * *

There was a moment of silence before Kelaiah called out: 

"Cornflower."

Cornflower smiled and came forward.

Kelaiah matched her grin and said in a slightly singsong voice, "Something to eat and save Redwall with."

Cornflower giggled a bit at the comment and stood by her tray.

Kelaiah went back down to the tray next to Rose. He lifted the lid.

* * *

"Bluefen." 

For a moment the ferretmaid didn't react. Then her eyes flinched at the realization that her name had been called, and she hurried forward.

Kelaiah grinned. "You've got a few fans out there, Bluefen."

Bluefen didn't know what to say to that, so she simply didn't say anything except smile and nod before she took her place next to Rose.

Kel went to the next tray.

* * *

"Mhera." 

The ottermaid stepped forward, smiling confidently.

"Did you know," Kelaiah said as the otter stepped up to him. "That you actually have the approval of Snuffsnuff, the author who is said to _really_ hate otters?"

Mhera blinked in surprise. "I- I- I do?"

Kelaiah nodded. "Yeah, and believe me, you're taking this a lot better than I did. I practically fell through the floor when she told me."

"Wow," Mhera said. "Did she say why?"

"She thinks that you have the least Mary Sue qualities out of all the contestants here."

At this little piece of information, Mhera blinked and her eyes looked to the side, but the corners of her lips widened into a flattered smile, whereas all the other contestants looked rather insulted - even furious.

Kel went to the next tray.

* * *

"Pasque." 

After the haremaid came up, Kel went to the next tray, and the next.

"Trimp."

"Armel."

The hogmaid and squirrelmaid came up and stood by their trays.

* * *

Finally Kelaiah paused and looked out at the remaining four contestants: Dotti, Mariel, Fwirl, and Celandine. 

"The next contestant whose tray I'm going to un-lid is. . . ."

"Fwirl."

Fwirl bowed her head in a half relieved, half disappointed manner that she hadn't been called sooner, and came forward.

Kelaiah looked down at the red-gold squirrelmaid. "A lot of the reviewers found your dish kinda boring. You might want to step it up a bit, eh?"

"Don't worry, I will," breathed Fwirl.

* * *

Mariel, in the meanwhile looked very grim, almost angry. She was certain she knew that she was going to be called next, but that would mean that she did third worst, something she had _not_ wanted. 

And sure enough:

"Mariel."

The mousemaid stepped forward, blowing out through her nostrils, but she still kept herself under control.

Kelaiah arched an eyebrow at her. "Not where you wanted to be, eh?"

"No," Mariel muttered. "Still, I suppose I could be worse off."

Kelaiah nodded encouragingly. "Fwirl was called sooner because the reviewers said at least she _cooked _something. But you still have a whole lot of other challenges where you can be called sooner. Even win, y'know."

Mariel nodded, some of the anger leaving her face, her eyes lighting with determination.

As the mousemaid took her place, Kelaiah turned and looked back at the two remaining contestants. He took the remaining tray from the center of the table and took two steps forward.

"Will Dotti and Celandine please step forward?"

* * *

The haremaid and squirrelmaid complied, Dotti tall and lanky with her long ears shaking slightly, Celandine small and slender with her long bushy tail twitching. Both looked almost certain that they were going to be the loser. 

"Two contestants stand before me," Kelaiah said in a soft voice. "But there is only one tray in my paws, and whose meal is not under this lid, is the loser of this challenge.

"Both of you are pretty, but being a Role Model for females in the Redwall-fandom is more than just that. Much more."

Kelaiah paused, and then turned to Dotti, who was valiantly trying to not to cry, whereas Celandine was allowing the tears to flow.

"Dotti . . . you burned a salad. A _salad._ How do you burn a salad?"

Dotti flinched at the ferret's words and hung her head in shame.

Kelaiah gave a deep, slow sigh, and lifted the lid.

"But you didn't cheat."

Dotti's head snapped up.

There . . . on the tray . . . was a bowl of charred up lettuce.

Dotti stared, looking as though she didn't quite believe it, then she looked up at Kelaiah with a hopeful look.

The male ferret nodded. "You didn't cheat. And honesty is what helps make a good role model. You are not the loser of the cooking challenge."

Barely able to contain her joyful relief, the haremaid flung her arms around Kelaiah's neck and sobbed out her thanks, nearly knocking him over.

"Oo, thank you, thank you, wot wot, thank you thank you, I jolly well thought that I'd be kickin' the bucket there, eh wot-"

"Okay, Dotti," Kelaiah said, smiling, though struggling to not fall over and balancing the tray. "We get the picture. Now take your tray and go stand with the others."

Still babbling her thanks and taking the tray, Dotti went and stood in the center of the table, wiping away at her reddened eyes.

* * *

Kelaiah turned and looked down at Celandine, whose face had become wide-eyed and stony. 

"You, Celandine, are the first loser of Redwall's Next Top Model," the ferret said.

The squirrelmaid blinked.

Kelaiah continued. "Had you_ not_ cheated and lost, you would've been allowed to attend the feast tonight. . . . but you _did_ cheat. So therefore, as punishment, you hereby banned from all festivities tonight, and you are sentenced to do all the dish-washing in the kitchen tonight."

Celandine's jaw dropped, like she couldn't believe it. Didn't that ferret know her paws would get all wrinkly doing all that washing?! However, judging by the look in Kel's eye, complaining wouldn't be such a hot idea, so she simply hung her head in defeat, her brush curling up over her head to hide her face.

Kelaiah nodded, satisfied, and turned to the remaining eleven contestants.

"You can all now take your trays up to the feast. Enjoy yourselves!"

The eleven contestants filed out, some of them sheepishly smiling, most of them throwing Celandine a few looks of pity or mild disgust.

* * *

Later, Celandine sat before the commentary camera. 

"I suppose I deserved it. I always used to do things like that to get out of doing my duties with the Rambling Rosehip Players, but I guess now I'll have to get out of that habit."

She suddenly narrowed her eyes. "I may have lost this one, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to give up. I've got plenty of other tricks up my sleeves, and none of them require cheating! I can sing and I can perform acrobatic tricks, plus I've got plenty of experience in fighting vermin! I can win this. I know I can."

* * *

**Winner of Challenge 1:** Treerose 

**Loser of Challenge 1:** Celandine

(Both squirrels, interesting, no?)

**Order of Performances: **Treerose, Rose, Cornflower, Bluefen, Mhera, Pasque, Trimp, Armel, Fwirl, Mariel, Dotti, Celandine

* * *

Stay tuned for another chapter of Redwall's Next Top Model! 


	5. The Feast

**A/N:** Greetings, my lovely readers. You've waited very long for this, and I think you've waited long enough.

* * *

The Great Hall of Redwall Abbey was filled with beasts and food of all sorts. To attempt to describe all the food there was would be like. . . . like . . . . 

. . . .oh, heck. You've all read the books. Just read the parts where it describes what they've got goin' on during feeding times and there's what _this_ feast looks like.

The eleven winning contestants had their own dishes there too, although Dotti had "accidently" dropped hers' on the floor so nobeast could eat it.

"What a shame!" Fwirl said about the situation. Dotti gave her a mild punch on the arm, chuckling.

* * *

The feast went on with much laughter and songs and dances and poetry, and the contestants soon were giggling uncontrollaby as they slurped some of that fizzy strawberry stuff. "Whoo! Right up my nose!" 

Dotti and Pasque, being hares, were the biggest eaters there, though both were trying to out-do the other with mannerisms.

* * *

Bluefen was scurrying about, serving food and keeping out of sight, not saying a word to anybeast, generally unnoticed by all. . . . 

Except the other contestants.

"I wonder why she, of all creatures," said Mariel as her sharp eyes watched the ferretmaid, "was entered into this contest? I mean, she never had a line of dialouge in her book, and she hardly had any part. I wonder why?"

"Well," said Mhera. "She _is_ the mother of Veil Sixclaw, the first outcast of Redwall. That should count for _something."_

"Yeah, but, I would've thought Bryony would be used instead," said Trimp.

"Well, fanfic writers these days seem to prefer vermin over woodlanders," explained Mhera, "so I guess that's why Bluefen and not Bryony was chosen."

The others continued to speculate on Bluefen while the ferretmaid glanced over at them, feeling deeply alone. . . .

* * *

**"Excuse me, can I have everybeasts' attention?"**

All eyes turned towards a stage, where a tall, skinny male ferret wearing rectangular glasses stood.

Everybeast in Great Hall clapped and cheered.

"Thank you, everybeast," Kelaiah said, giving a bow. "Now then, I would like to announce the next Trial for our twelve lovely contestants."

There was some excited muttering, and then there was silence as Kelaiah continued.

"You are all going to stand on this stage where I am standing," the ferret said dramatically. "And you will_ **sing!"**_

Roars of cheers and laughter fell upon the contestants.

When it was all finished, Kelaiah continued. "You will be preforming tomorrow night, in front of me and some guest judges, and you will be assigned certain modern-day songs that suit either your story-line or your personalities." He gestured at a long table that had song sheets with the contestants names on them. "I have Celandine's right here so that she won't miss it. Now if you would all come up and get yours?"

The audience clapped and cheered as the eleven contestants came up and picked up their sheets.

As soon as they all had their sheets, Kelaiah said, "Well, now that you got them, _start practicing!"_

* * *

**A/N:** I figured Bluefen would be a bit of an underdog in this contestant, so that's why I had the part with her the way it was. But don't worry, none of the other contestants will be bullying her, bullying is forbidden and not tolerated in this contest. 


	6. Late Night Talks

**A/N:** Greetings. Don't own Redwall. Period. The end.

* * *

After the feast was over, the eleven contestants were led up to a large guestroom filled with twelve beds for each of them (Celandine was still down in the kitchens washing dishes). It was in this guestroom that the contestants would stay in for the duration of the contest. 

After they all finished grabbing the bed that they wanted, the eleven either sat on their beds or in random chairs and couches, and began studying their song sheets, memorizing the song that Kelaiah had picked out for them.

"Huh," said Trimp, sitting in a chair. "Mine doesn't seem very well suited to my personality or to my story-line."

Treerose was sitting on the couch not far away. "Let me see," she said, holding out her paw. The hedgehog passed her song sheet to the squirrel, and Treerose took a look. "Hm, I don't know. I think it does, in some roundabout way, have something to do with your story-line."

"Oh really? What song did you get?" Trimp asked, sitting next to the squirrelmaid.

"Oh," was all that Treerose said in a slightly annoyed tone, handing the sheet over.

Trimp arched her eyebrows a bit. "Huh. I wonder why Kel gave that one to you?"

"Oh, I have no doubt it has something to do with my crush on Rufe Brush," the squirrelmaid grumbled, taking her sheet back. "I'm really nervous about this next trial; I'm not much at singing."

"Really?" asked Armel, coming over, looking slightly relieved. "Neither am I. That's why I never sang in my book."

"Oh come on," said Rose, also coming over. "Let's hear you guys sing."

"Oh yes!" said Trimp.

"No, no," the two squirrels said.

"Oh come on!" said Rose.

"It'll be good practice," said Trimp.

With that in mind, the squirrels sang.

"Oh, you guys aren't _that_ bad," Trimp and Rose said. "You guys are good. You'll do fine tomorrow."

"Yeah right," said Armel. "You two are probably the best singers in the group!"

"Oh really!" frowned Rose, waving her paw.

"No, I'm serious!" objected Armel. "You have the best voice, Rose. You'll win first place, you mark my words, and Trimp will win second. There's no doubt about it."

Treerose nodded in agreement.

Mhera came over with her song sheet. "Oh really? Where do you think I'll be?"

Armel shrugged. "I really don't know. After Rose and Trimp, it's hard to say how it'll go."

"I bet I know who'll be the worst," called Mariel with a slightly smug look.

"Really? Who?" asked Dotti.

Mariel only gave the haremaid a smug smile before returning to her own song sheet.

"Well, I just won't think about it," said Fwirl. "I'll just study the song and practice and go out and have fun. That's really the only thing we can do, is it?"

Before anybeast could answer her, the door opened and Celandine stumbled in.

"Ooohhh," the pretty squirrelmaid whined. "My paws are all wrinkly, like _prunes!_ And my dress, its all covered in stains! Its ruined! Oooh!" And with that, the beautiful squirrelmaid dramatically swooned upon the nearest bed, which just so happened to be Mariel's.

"That's what you get for cheating," called Rose.

"Hey!" said Mariel, marching over to Celandine. "That's _my_ bed! Get your own!"

"I'm too tired to move. You'll have to use extreme violence to get me to," murmured Celandine, not opening her eyes.

Mariel did _not_ use extreme violence; rather, she lifted the entire mattress off the bed frame and dumped Celandine onto the floor.

"Ow! Oooh!" Celandine pouted, lazily picking herself up.

"If you hadn't cheated," lectured Pasque. "Then you would've been with us when we picked out our beds. There's an extra one right there for you. That's all we have left."

The bed left for Celandine was actually just as nice as the others, but the squirrelmaid was too tired and grumpy to care. She went over and flopped on the bed, and didn't make a move.

"Um, Celandine?" said Fwirl.

"Go 'way," murmured the other squirrelmaid. "Beauty sleep."

"Oh yes!" chirped Dotti brightly; she was actually excited that the next contest was going to be singing. She was sure to win that! "Beauty sleep! That's just what I need! Want to look my best for the flippin' concert tomorrow, eh wot?"

At this, Celandine sat up, riveting her gaze on the hare. "What do you mean? What concert?"

"The next trial is tomorrow night," explained Cornflower, who was sitting on the edge of her bed studying her song. "It's where we have to sing in front of Kelaiah and some guest judges."

_"What?!" _cried Celandine, jumping up. "Wha- but- what'll I sing? What'll I wear? What-"

"Your song sheet is right on the table next to your bed," said Cornflower, pointing the paper out.

"Oh," said Celandine as she picked up her sheet. "So we're being assigned songs, then? Oh my, I'm glad the next contest is singing, that was one of my specialties in the Rambling Rosehip Players!"

"Hm," said Armel. "Maybe Celandine'll be third."

"Maybe," said Treerose. "All I know is that I'm going to be very low on the list."

"Oh, you will _not,"_ said Mariel, giving her friend a hug. "Just practice a lot and you'll do fine. Just memorize the lines and don't get stage fright, alright? You'll do great. I'll help you practice tomorrow, alright?"

"Alright. Thanks, Mariel." The two shared a hug.

* * *

Meanwhile, in her own little corner was Bluefen, curled up on her own bed, studying her own song sheet, her insides in a turmoil over the thought of having to appear on stage and sing a song from a different universe. . . . 


	7. Singing Practice

**A/N:** Greetings. Don't own Redwall. Period. The end.

Also, I thought I'd let everyone know that so far the most popular contestant is: 

Bluefen.

_Blufen has had the worst life of all the contestants. She is the only 'vermin' in this. _

LysanderKingofSparta says, "Heh. I'm voting for Bluefen no matter how she does. ;) She's the only one of that lot have interest in. :P"

Anyway, onward!

* * *

It was the morning before the concert. Everybeast was still lying abed, except for- 

**_"LA DE DAH DAH DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"_**

A lot of the contestants fell out of their beds in startlement, and the rest sat up and cried some random thing.

"We're being attacked!" Mariel shouted groggily, fighting her way out of the covers that entangled her footpaws.

"What's going on?!" groaned Cornflower, rubbing her head.

Mhera was already up and heading towards the washroom, where the horrible loud noise was coming from. She opened the door to find none other than Dotti Dillworthy, standing in front of the mirror and practicing her song.

"Ugh, Dotti," hissed the ottermaid. "Some beasts are trying to sleep!"

"Now?!" cried the haremaid, waving her long arms and ears about. "When we have to practice for the concert tonight?! I could hardly get any of my fatal beauty sleep last night so I thought I might as well get some practice in!**_ LA DE DAH DE DAAAA-!"_**

"Do us all a favor and _SHUT UP!"_ roared Mariel, stumbling over, one of her legs still wrapped in one of the blankets.

"Hmph!" said Dotti. "You're just jealous because I'm a . . . what do they call it? A 'shoe-in'? for this trial!"

"No you're not," Mariel snapped. "You have a horrenduous voice that nobeast can stand to listen to. You're going to be in last place!"

Dotti's ears stood up rigid and her eyes became fire. She took an angry, quivering step towards the mousemaid when Mhera stepped in between them.

"Alright, you two, knock it off!" the ottermaid rapped.

"I'd like to knock her head off!" Dotti snarled, trying to push her way past Mhera.

"Oh yeah? Try it!" After being rudely jerked from sleep and falling out of bed and bumping her head, Mariel felt like a good fight.

"Pasque, Trimp, help me!" Mhera shouted as she tried to keep the haremaid and mousemaid going at each other.

The other haremaid and hedgehogmaid complied, racing over and dragging Mariel and Dotti far from one another. Rose and Cornflower also came over to help while the others either watched nervously.

"Now both you, stop!" Mhera shouted. "Right now! Stop! I won't have any of this! Now both of you calm down and stay away from one another, or so help me I'll make certain that you both regret it! _Understand?!"_

Everybeast was rather taken aback by the ottermaid's attitude, but Mhera was rather shaken by the whole situation and knew that aggression was needed.

Both Mariel and Dotti went limp in their restrainers' arms, and they were let go.

"Good . . . good," breathed Mhera.

"Now," said Rose. "Let's all calm down, alright?"

"Yes," agreed Armel. "We're all a little on edge because of this competition I suppose, but that doesn't mean we should start fighting each other. Let's just all go back to bed and-"

**_BONG! BONG!_**

With everybeast's nerves drawn taught from the comotion, the sound of Redwall's bells tolling out breakfast time made all the contestants jump and even scream.

The door opened and a male ferret popped his head in.

"Breakfast tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!" chirped Kelaiah, grinning at the state that the contestants were in. "Don't forget to practice for the concert tonight! And don't forget," he added as an afterthought, "there'll be a bit of a surprise for the winner tonight!"

And with that, the ferret was gone.

* * *

After breakfast was over and the dishes were done, the twelve contestants went outside on the lawn to practice their songs. 

Treerose had been helped by Mariel a bit with her song, but the mousemaid needed to practice her own song as well, so Treerose retreated alone back into the abbey for some more practice.

The squirrelmaid searched for a quiet room to sing in, when suddenly-

_"Let's talk this over._

_It's not like we're dead."_

A rather nice-sounding voice came floating into her ears. Treerose twitched her ears and followed the sound of the voice. Was it one of the contestants? No, they were all outside, or were they? The voice didn't sound like any of the contestants that Treerose had heard so far. . . .

_"You were everything, _

_Everything,_

_That I wanted."_

Finally Treerose saw a door that was slightly ajar; she stuck her head in around it and saw the source of the voice: Bluefen.

The ferret was sitting alone in a room, reading from the sheet the song she had been assigned.

_"We were meant to be, _

_Supposed to be,_

_But we lost it."_

Treerose was rather taken aback; Bluefen's voice was very sweet. She was a nice singer!

_"All this time you were pretending,_

_So much for my happy ending."_

The squirrelmaid had been leaning into the room, but she had been so taken aback that she lost her balance and ended up falling into the room with a very loud crash.

Bluefen whirled with a startled gasp and beheld Treerose, laying on the floor in a rather uncomfortable state.

"Oh! Sorry!" moaned Treerose, scrambling to her footpaws. "I heard singing, and I, was curious, I thought everybeast else was outside. . . ." she trailed off.

Bluefen continued to stare at the squirrelmaid with wide eyes.

"Um," was all Treerose could think to say at the moment. "Uh . . . you have a lovely singing voice."

". . . Thank you," was all Bluefen said.

"Um, I'll bet you do well at the concert tonight!" Treerose said enthusiastically.

". . . Thank you. I bet you will too."

"Thanks."

A few more moments of silence.

"Um," said Treerose. She was beginning to feel mightily embarrassed, and she didn't quite know why. "Well, I'll see you later!"

And with that, the squirrel hurried out, leaving Bluefen alone. . . .

* * *

**A/N:** Don't worry, folks, the next chapter has the trial in it. Who knows how soon it'll be up? 


	8. Trial 2

**TRIAL 2:** Singing

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Redwall or the songs that the contestants sing. Blah.

* * *

A tall, skinny, bespectacled male ferret sat behind a table that was in front of a stage in the Great Hall of Redwall Abbey. He was at this moment wrapping a bunch of bandages around his footpaw. 

"Hey there, matey, how'd that happen?" asked the plump mouse sitting next to him.

"Oh, one of the reviewers was mad that I had all these filler chapters and so they decided to have a little 'archery practice' and they ended shooting me accidently."

"Ah, tough luck, 'ey, wot?" said the hare in the green-and-yellow jesters costume sitting on the ferret's other side.

Just then twelve lovely young females walked out on the stage.

Kelaiah quickly left off bandaging his footpaw and stood up, wincing painfully.

"Good evening, ladies," the ferret said as pleasantly as he could manage.

The twelve contestants gave friendly "hi's" and "hello's" and little waves.

"Are you excited for tonight's trial?"

"Oh, yes, yes!" a lot of the contestants said, though some of them looked decidedly nervous.

"Now, just for consolation," continued Kelaiah. "In case any of you are more nervous than you care to admit, you'll only be singing in front of me, and the two assistant judges here, Gonff the Mousethief and Tarquin Woodsorrel."

"Hi Gonff!" called Trimp and Rose.

"Hi Tarquin!" called Mariel and Treerose.

"Greetings, me lovely young beauties!" Gonff said dashingly, getting up and making a sweeping bow.

"Oh yes yes, wot wot!" said Tarquin. "A jolly ol' blinkin' concert filled with lovely young beauties! (Though none of them match up to Hon Rosie)."

"During this trial," said Kelaiah, ignoring the hare. "You will each come out once at a time from backstage. I have a list back there stating the order of which one of you will come out first and so forth. When it is one of your guys' turn, you will stand on this stage, and tell us the name of your song. As soon as the music starts for your song, you will begin to sing, alright?"

"Alright," chirped the contestants.

"And another thing," Kelaiah added. "As soon as all twelve of you have sang, it will be time for the reviewers will put down who they thought did best, and who they thought did worst. Now then," the ferret continued. "Who would like to hear about the prizes for this trial?"

"Oh yes!" said the contestants, most looking eager and excited.

"After this trial is over," said Kelaiah. "There will be a great big concert that will be seen by _all_ in Redwall. And you contestants will be the ones performing it."

At this many of the contestants broke out into excited cries of glee.

"However," said Kelaiah over the racket. "The loser of this trial will _not_ be performing in the concert, they will just sit and watch."

Many of the contestants looked as though they found that idea rather unsavory.

"As for the winner," continued Kelaiah. "The one who wins this trial will be the lead singer of the concert, and the other ten will be the chorus."

The contestants nodded, all of them looking very solemn.

"Well then!" the ferret said, clapping his paws together. "Let's get started!"

* * *

Mariel was the first one to step out on stage. 

"Good evening everybeast!" the mousemaid said cheerfully, grinning.

"Hello there, young mouse-gel!" Tarquin called, waving.

"Have you and Dandin tied the knot yet?!" Gonff called, earning him a wack upside the head from Kelaiah. "OW!"

The ferret wagged a paw at the mousethief. _"No asking the contestants personal questions!"_

"Alright, alright," grumbled Gonff.

Mariel laughed. "The song that Kelaiah assigned me is 'Imperfection'."

And with that, the mousemaid launched into her song. Mariel's voice carried the tune quite nicely and she was very expressive:

_My hair's a wreck!_ (She ran her paws through her headfur) 

_Mascara runs!_ (She ran her paws under her eyes)

_My feet get dirty_ (She put one of her footpaws forward.)

_and my skin burns in the sun!_ (The mousemaid lifted her arm over her head as though to ward off the sun's rays.)

_My lips they bleed_ (She ran her paws under her chin.)

_But I still sing my songs!_ (She gave a bright smile and struck a proud, cheerful pose.)

_Takes me a minute _

_to admit it _

_When I'm wrong!_ (She lowered her head a bit and sort of glared out at the world.)

All three judges were nodding so far and smiling a bit.

_This is what you get!_ (Mariel spread her arms out.)

_This is who I am!_

_Take me now or leave me!_

_Anyway you can!_

_Sometimes I trip and fall-!_

It was at this last part that Mariel got a little carried away and ended up giving a leap and ending up falling off the stage.

"Oh!" cried Kelaiah jumping up. "Oh, Mariel, are you alright?!"

"I'm okay!" the mousemaid said, jumping up.

Tarquin laughed. "My, my, young gel, you certainly do have a habit of falling off things when you sing, eh wot?"

Mariel gave a weak chuckle but she also gave the hare a slightly fierce glare.

"You're alright?" Kelaiah asked.

"Yes yes!" Mariel cried, climbing back on stage. "I can finish! I'm fine! I can finish!"

After the song was over, Mariel took a deep breath and waited for the judge's assessments.

"Well," said Kelaiah, folding his paws. "That was an interesting performance. You were very expressive and you have a very nice voice."

"Aye," agreed Gonff, grinning. "That part where you fell off the stage right when the song went, _'sometimes I trip and fall'_, I always admired a maid that gave a little bit extra to win something."

"Ho yes," said Tarquin. "You carried out the song gracefully, but, like I said before you couldn't have done it as gracefully as my dearly beloved wife the Hon Rosie- OW!" he added, rubbing the back of his head.

Kelaiah wagged a paw at him. "No comparing the contestants to your wife!"

"Hmph!" said Tarquin, folding his arms and pouting, slouching in his chair.

Kelaiah turned his attention back to Mariel. "Now, what did you think of the choice of song for you?"

"I think it had to do with the fact that I'm not the typical abbeymaid that stays inside; I'm a traveling warriormaid that explores, gets dirty and everything, plus I'm rather stubborn and I'm pretty up-front about most things, unless of course I'm going undercover or something."

Kelaiah smiled. "That was very good, Mariel. Thank you."

"Thank _you,"_ the mousemaid said, heading backstage.

* * *

Armel came out on stage. 

"Hello all!" the squirrelmaid said.

"Good evening, Armel," Kelaiah said. "Now let's hear your song."

"The song that you gave me was 'What I Like About You'." And with that, the squirrelmaid began to sing.

_What I like about you,_

_You really know how to dance._

_Oh, tell me I'm the only one_

_That's gonna come over tonight._

_Ye-e-eah._

Kelaiah gave a broad smile at the sound of the squirrel's pretty voice. When it was over, the ferret said, "Very good, Armel, very good."

"Aye," nodded Gonff. "That's a fair job you did of it, marm!"

"Lovely!" said Tarquin. "Twas a lovely job, young gel!"

"And what did you think of the choice of song?" Kelaiah asked.

"Well," said Armel. "I think for some reason it had to do with the romance between me and husband."

"That's right, it was," the ferret said. "When I was watching _Far Far Away Idol_ I imagined you and Tam doing the parts of Shrek and Fiona."

The other three laughed at this.

"Alright, thank you," said Kelaiah, nodding.

Armel took her exit off the stage, giggling.

* * *

Dotti came flouncing out, looking very excited and eager. 

Kelaiah winced and muttered to Gonff, "I knew this was going to happen."

"Well, might as well get it over with," the mousethief muttered back.

"It's such a shame I don't have my harecordian with me," Dotti said, fluttering her ears.

Gonff and Kelaiah exchanged a look.

"Oh really? Well you can have my old harolina-" said Tarquin, only to be cut off by Kel and Gonff.

"NO! Uh, I mean, uh, no instruments are needed nor necessary for this trial," the skinny ferret said, his eyes darting around.

"Oh. Now then,"the haremaid continued. "The song I was given is 'Extraordinary'."

"Really?" asked Tarquin. "What's so extraordinary about it?"

Everybeast stopped and stared at the hare. Then they all decided to ignore him.

"Hmph!" Tarquin muttered.

_**"I-I-I AM EX-X-XTR-R-RAORDI-I-INAR-R-RY!"**_ sang Dotti, her ears giving a wiggle that keep in time with the beat of song. _**"I AM EXTR-R-RAORDINAR-R-RY!" **_

The three judges had their paws clamped hard over their ears, grinding their teeth, growling ferociously and moaning piteously. Gonff and Tarquin each gave Kelaiah a look that said, _"I will have my revenge on you for making me endure this!"_

Kelaiah didn't want them taking revenge on him (he had to listen to her too, you know!), so he got up and shouted, as loud as he could, _**"E-NNNUUUUUUUUUUUUFFFFF!!!"**_

Dotti stopped, staring at the ferret with wide eyes. Then she smiled understandably. "Nobeast has been able to endure my wondrous voice. Well," she added after thinking a moment, "except the twin hares Southpaw and Bobweave. I could never really figure it out how they did it, but they _are_ a very unusual pair, aren't they?"

"Yes, yes," Kelaiah groaned, sitting back down.

"It's no wonder that you gave her a song called '_extraordinary_'," Gonff said, giving Kel a pointed look.

"Eh, wot's that cha say?" Tarquin said, talking to nobeast in particular as he tried to unplug his long ears.

Everybeast ignored him.

"Oh yes!" said Dotti enthusiastically. "I knew that you gave me that song because of my _extraordinary_ singing talents! And of course, my extraordinary fatal beauty, and my extraordinary fighting skills, and extraordinary-"

Kelaiah gave a snort and said, "Yeah, yeah, thank you, Dotti. That's enough. Now go back stage and let the others have a chance."

Dotti flounced off cheerfully, feeling very confident that she had won first place.

* * *

Again another contestant came flouncing up to the stage, only this contestant was a squirrel: Celandine. 

The squirrelmaid looked particularly excited and eager, if a little nervous.

"Greetings, everybeast," the pretty squirrel said, spreading her arms in a theatrical manner. "The song that I am about sing is called 'Sweet Escape'."

There was a moment of silence.

Then Celandine burst out into song.

_If I could escape. . . ._

_. . . and I could create my own world._

_I know I've been a real bad girl._ She sang this line while folding her paws and hunching up her shoulders, giving a little pout. This little piece of action made Kelaiah smile and reminiscence about the last trial.

_I didn't mean for you to get hurt._

_We can make it better._

_Now tell me boy now wouldn't that be sweet?_

Celandine really got into the song and she even jumped down off of the stage and sashayed over to the judges' table, where she hopped up onto it and made it seem like she was personally addressing Kelaiah. Kelaiah could only blush and squirm and grin so much that his cheeks began to hurt.

By the time the song was over, Celandine had returned to the stage.

Tarquin and Gonff were each grinning at Kelaiah, who's facefur looked like it had been dunked in red paint.

"Ahem," the skinny ferret said, adjusting his glasses. "Now then, Celandine, what did you think of the choice of song for you?"

"I thought that it was a reference to the last trial, how I cheated and was a 'bad girl'," she added, obviously making a referral to the song.

"Well, I thought ye did a splendid job!" Gonff said. "You obviously knew what you were doing up there. You really kept up with the song's tempo."

"Oh yes!" said Tarquin. "It was absolbally top-hole, wotwot! Wonderful job!"

And with that, the three judges started clapping, all of them grinning.

Celandine squealed and blew kisses to them before leaping off stage. Then she came back, saying, "Would you like an encore?"

"Oh, get out of here!" laughed Kelaiah, blushing again.

* * *

It was Rose who came out next. 

"Hi," the mousemaid said cheerfully, waving.

"Hello, Rose," the judges said.

"Alright," the mouse said. "My song is 'Not Gonna Get Us'."

Rose took a deep breath, let it out, and lowered her head a bit.

For a moment there was silence.

Then the mousemaid's head snapped up and she cried out the first words of the song.

_Not gonna get us!_

The judges gave a start at the surprisingly fierce tone that the mouse took on.

_Not gonna get us!_

_They're not gonna get u-u-us-s-s. . . ._

Suddenly Rose's voice became soft and delicate.

_Starting with you, _

_Let's make a promise._

_You and me. . . ._

The way how the mousemaid sang the song was almost as though she were really speaking to a lover, her pretty face warm and gentle, her paws lifted up gracefully.

Suddenly her voice became harsh and haunting again.

_Nothing can stop us,_

_Now I love yah!_

_They're not gonna get us!_

_Not gonna get us!_

_Not gonna get us!_

Kelaiah felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Rose's voice was either soft and delicate and soothingly beautiful, or it was strong and sharp and eerily beautiful. It wasn't until Rose was finished that the ferret realized that there was water in his eyes and that there were goose-bumps all over his arms.

Tarquin and Gonff had very similar reactions.

None of the judges seemed to be able to find any words to say.

Finally they all raised their paws and clapped and clapped and clapped and clapped and _clapped._

Rose, who at first had been worried by their silence, was now smiling in pleased surprise and hunching up her shoulders.

"Thank you, Rose! Thank you!" cried Kelaiah, standing up and wiping away at his eyes.

"Yes! Yes! Thank you! Thank you!" cried Gonff and Tarquin, doing the same thing.

"Oh no, thank _you,"_ said Rose before leaving the stage.

_"Wow,"_ breathed Kel as he and the other two slumped back into their chairs. "That's gonna be quite an act to follow!"

* * *

Luckily it was Trimp who came next. 

"My song," the pretty hedgehog said. "Is 'Always Something There to Remind Me'."

_Well how can I-I-I,_

_Forget you bo-o-o-oy,_

_When there is _

_Always something there to remind me?_

_Always something there to remind me?_

_I was bo-o-o-orn to love yo-o-o-o-ou._

_I will ne-e-e-ever be free._

_You'll always be apart of me._

The hogmaid's voice was fine and clear and lovely, and the three judges found themselves moving along with the beat, nodding their heads side to side, pumping their arms up and down, quietly singing along.

Once she was finished, Trimp was piled with well-pleased clapping.

"That was wonderful, Trimp!" said Kelaiah. "You have a lovely voice!"

"Thank you!" said Trimp, grinning.

"Ah, you sang that song as though it had been written for you!" said Gonff.

Trimp laughed.

"Twas almost as lovely as Hon Rosie could've done it- _hey!"_ Tarquin protested, rubbing his head and glaring at Kelaiah.

"No comparing the contestants to your wife!" the ferret snapped, wagging his paw. "How many times do I have to tell you that?!"

"So what did you think of the song Kel picked out for you, eh?" Gonff asked Trimp.

"Oh, I figured it had to do with how there were always so many males flirting with me, and yet I never get into a relationship with any of them," the hogmaid replied.

"Alright, thank you very much, Trimp!" said Kelaiah.

Trimp grinned and made her way backstage.

* * *

A red-gold flash came dancing out onto stage and Fwirl came into view, giving a low but graceful bow to the judges. 

"Good evening, my good sirs," the incredibly beautiful squirrelmaiden said.

"Evening," the judges responded, smiling. "What song do you have prepared for us?"

"It's the song that Kelaiah assigned me, of course."

Gonff and Tarquin laughed, and Kelaiah, who had asked the question, gave a rueful smile. "Alright, then, say what it was and sing then, alright?"

"My song is 'Accidently In Love'."

_So he said what's the problem baby?_

_What's the problem? I don't know_

_Well maybe I'm in love_

_Think about it every time I think 'bout it_

_Can't stop thinking 'bout it._

Fwirl's voice was nice, but there wasn't anything really special about it. Kelaiah, however, looked satisfied with the job the squirrelmaid was making of it.

When she was done, Fwirl took a deep breath.

"Whew! Singing really takes it out of beast, doesn't it? More than tree-climbing!"

The three judges laughed.

"You did a fair job of it, missy," commented Gonff, smiling.

"Oh, yes, a lovely job, me pretty young squirrel-gel!" said Tarquin.

"Thank you," said Fwirl. "But I was wondering, Kelaiah, why did you pick this song for me?"

"Because," said Kelaiah. "When I was watching _Shrek 2_, I thought about how some of the lines in that song fitted the romance between you and Broggle. Like when you two had the strawberry fizz after you won the wall-race, and one of the lines in the song was 'surrender to the strawberry ice cream'?"

"But, they're not the same!" objected Fwirl.

"But they're both made from strawberries," said Kel.

"Well," amended the squirrelmaid. "Yes, they were."

"Alright, thank you, Fwirl," said Kelaiah.

Fwirl made a graceful exit off the stage, swirling her tail in a pleased manner.

* * *

Pasque was the next one up. 

"Good evening, everybeast," the beautiful haremaid said in a soft voice.

"Good evening," replied the judges.

"My song is 'Holding Out For a Hero'."

For a moment, the haremaid was silent.

Then she started.

_Where have all the good men gone and _

_Where are all the gods?_

_Where's the streetwise Hercules_

_To fight the rising odds?_

_Isn't there a white knight,_

_Upon a fiery stead?_

_Late at night I toss and turn_

_And dream of what I need._

_I need a hero!_

_I'm holding out for a hero _

_Till the morning light!_

_He's gotta be strong _

_And he's gotta be sure _

_And he's gotta be fresh from the fight._

Kelaiah recalled from _Long Patrol_ that Pasque could sing well. She was certainly living up to his expectations. He thought she was doing very well.

When the haremaid was finished, the judges clapped a little and cheered.

_"Excellent!_ Top hole, wot wot!" said Tarquin enthusiastically.

"Aye, aye," said Gonff, and added in a mutter to Kel, "Good to know that there are _some_ hares in the world that can sing."

"I HEARD THAT!" shouted Tarquin.

"Guys, guys," soothed Kelaiah. "Calm down. We're here to judge the contestants, not get into brawls with one another."

"Hmph!" said Tarquin. "The way you've been hitting everybeast upside the head."

Kelaiah ignored him. "You did a wonderful job, Pasque, you really lived up to my expectation."

"Thank you," said Pasque. She left the stage looking very well-pleased.

* * *

After Pasque came Mhera. 

"Hello all," the ottermaid said. "The song that Kelaiah assigned me is 'Who's That Girl'."

_There were places we would go_

_At midnight._

_There were secrets that _

_Nobody else would know_

_There's a reason but_

_I don't know why_

_I don't know why _

_I don't know why._

_I thought they all belonged to me. . . ._

So far Mhera had song with in a soft, almost demure tone, her paws folded primly in front of her, when suddenly-

_Who's that girl?!_

_Where's she from?!_

_No she can't be the one!_

_That you want!_

_That has stolen my world!_

-the ottermaid's voice became loud and clear and almost aggressive, yet it didn't lose any of its beauty. Her paws came to life, waving about expressively with each line.

_I'm the one_

_That made you laugh,_

_That made you feel,_

_That made you sad._

_I'm not sorry,_

_For what we did,_

_For who we were,_

_I'm not sorry I'm not her._

Kel was impressed, even though he knew already that Mhera most likely had a good voice (she had sung in her book and nobeast had complained).

When she was finished, Gonff said, "You made me wish that the male who wronged you were here so I could beat him up."

Everybeast laughed.

"But you did a great job!" said Gonff, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes.

"Oh yes, a wonderful job!" said Tarquin, smiling brightly.

"What interests me," said Kelaiah, rubbing his chin. "Is that out of all the contestants here, you, Mhera, are the only one that never had a romantic interest in your book."

"Yes, that's right," the ottermaid said, nodding.

"Wait a minute," said Gonff. "If Mhera never had a romantic interest, why'd you give her that song?"

Kelaiah laughed. So did Mhera.

"Oh," giggled Kel. "In Mhera's book, both she and her mom sang a duet, where the singer was in love with a hedgehog, but he ended up abandoning her for a _frog! _Ah ha ha ha haaa!"

At this, the other two judges broke out into surprised laughter. For a good few giggling moments, Mhera was thanked and she made her way backstage.

* * *

Up next was Cornflower. 

"Hello," the mousemaid said cheerfully. "My song is 'Girl Next Door'."

_Small town homecoming queen_

_She's the star in this scene_

_There's no way to deny she's lovely_

_Perfect skin, Perfect hair,_

_Perfumed hearts everywhere_

_Tell myself that inside she's ugly_

_Maybe I'm just jealous_

_I can't help but hate her_

_Secretly I wonder if _

_My boyfriend wants to date her._

_She is the prom queen_

_I'm in the marching band_

_She is the cheerleader_

_I'm sitting in the stands_

_She gets the top bunk_

_I'm sleeping on the floor_

_She's Miss America_

_And I'm just the girl next door._

As soon as she was finished the judges clapped.

"Oh, exquisite job, young mouse-gel!" cried Tarquin. "Good form, eh wot!"

"Ah, tis a fair group of singers you have here, Kelaiah, matey!" Gonff said, grinning. "Most of 'em, anyway," the mousethief added in a mutter, obviously recalling Dotti.

"Yes, yes," nodded Kelaiah. "And what did you think, Cornflower, of the choice of song for you?"

"As soon as I saw the title of the song," Cornflower said with a very calm smile. "I immediately thought of the music video of me by Vipertooththeslayer on YouTube that_ you_ requested."

The ferret blinked behind his rectangle spectacles. "Ah. Well, um, good guess. Thank you Cornflower!"

"Your welcome," the mousemaid said with a smile as she went backstage.

* * *

Treerose was getting more nervous by the second. She wished she hadn't been put so near to the end of the list! 

The squrrielmaid had been practically bouncing with anxiety when she suddenly noticed Bluefen.

The ferretmaid was sitting in a corner looking rather ill.

Concerned, Treerose went over and said, "Hey, are you okay?"

Bluefen looked up, startled, then she said, "Yes, I'm fine. A little nervous."

Treerose smiled. "Don't be nervous. You're going to do fine. I heard you, you have a-"

"Treerose, you're up!" called Cornflower as she came in from the stage.

"Oh!" cried the squirrelmaid as she jumped up. "Sorry, gotta go, you'll do fine!" she quickly said to Bluefen before she raced out to the stage.

* * *

"Hello!" the pretty red squirrel said breathlessly. 

"Hi," said Kelaiah. "Did you run here or something?"

"Yes, actually," Treerose said, causing the judges to laugh. "Um," the squirrelmaid continued. "My song is 'Hazel Eyes'."

And with that, she dove into her song.

_Here I am! _

_Once again!_

_I'm torn into pieces!_

_I can't deny it, can't pretend!_

_Just thought you were the one!_

_Broken up, deep inside!_

_But you won't get to see the tears I cried!_

_You had these hazel eyes!_

_I told you everything_

_Opened up and let you in_

_You made me feel alright_

_For once in my life_

_Now all that's left of me_

_Is what I pretend to be_

_Sewed together but so broken up inside_

_Cuz I can't breathe_

_No I can't sleep_

_I'm barely hanging on_

_Here I am!_

_Once again!_

_I'm torn into pieces!_

_I can't deny it, can't pretend!_

_Just thought you were the one!_

_Broken up, deep inside!_

_But you won't get to see the tears I cried!_

_You had these hazel eyes!_

_Swallowed me then spittin' me out!_

_For hating you I blame myself!_

_Seeing you it kills me now!_

_Though I don't cry on the outside_

_Anymore_

_Anymore. . . ._

As soon as she was done, Treerose's shoulders slumped, both with relief she had _finally_ gotten through with it, but also with gloom, she thought she hadn't done a good job.

The judges thought otherwise.

"Ah, you were _great!"_ said Kelaiah.

"Really?" said Treerose, surprised.

"Of course ye were!" said Gonff. "I thought you made that song your own!"

"Indeed, wot wot!" said Tarquin. "A jolly well-done job, doncha know, me pretty young thing!"

"Oh, my, thanks," the squirrelmaid said, slightly flustered.

"And what did you think of the choice of song?" asked Kelaiah.

"Oh, I figured it had to do with my crush on Rufe Brush," Treerose said, wrinkling her nose. "It didn't work out between us, and often I did feel somewhat like that when I was trying to get him to notice me before I married my husband."

"Alright, thank you, Treerose," said Kelaiah.

"Thank _you,"_ the squirrelmaid said, turning and going backstage.

* * *

Treerose could feel the cool breeze against her as she sailed into the backstage area, due to the sweat that had formed while she had sang. 

"Ooohhh, I'm so glad that's over!" the squirrelmaid wheezed.

"See? I knew you'd do great!" Mariel said, clapping her on the back.

"Alright, who hasn't sang yet?" Mhera called. "Who's next on the list?"

"I think its Bluefen," somebeast said.

Treerose turned and looked at the corner where Bluefen had been earlier, but the ferret wasn't there!

"Wha- where?" But almost immediately Treerose saw the unmistakable form of Bluefen make its way out to the stage.

* * *

"Ah, and here's our last contestant for this evening!" said Kelaiah as Bluefen came out. 

The female ferret nodded and took a deep breath.

"My song is 'My Happy Ending'," the ferretmaid said in a voice that was even softer than Pasque's.

The music started, just like it had for all the other contestants, but when it came time for Bluefen speak (or sing) the words, her lips moved, but no sound came out.

Well, there was _sound_, but it was very low so that the judges had to strain their ears to hear what she was saying.

Not only that, but the ferretmaid didn't move; unlike the other contestants, she wasn't very expressive with her face or tone or arms or posture. She just stood there, her lips moving, her arms hanging slightly bent by her sides, and the only other action they did was to raise a paw to her neck whenever she stopped in the middle of her song and cleared her throat.

* * *

Treerose, who had wanted to hear Bluefen sing, was listening just out of sight from backstage, and she was shocked. Was this the same ferretmaid that she heard earlier that day? 

_Come on, Bluefen!_ Treerose thought. _Don't get stage-fright _now!

* * *

When it was finally over, the judges were a little dumbfounded. They were a little in shock over such a poor performance, as compared to the other performances. 

"It was. . . ." began Gonff, but then he shut his mouth and didn't say anything else.

"Er, it was. . . ." Tarquin also couldn't find anything else to say.

"It was very quiet," said Kelaiah, folding his paws in front of him. "You really need to speak up when you sing. I'm sure you have a lovely voice, and we really want to hear it. So keep that in mind in the future, alright?"

Bluefen nodded, her eyes a little watery as she went backstage.

Kelaiah frowned; the song he had picked for Bluefen would've been interesting to hear from her. He was rather disappointed.

* * *

**A/N:** The reviewing/voting procedures will be like the last time: 

Number the contestants 1 to 12 (there are _**TWELVE**_ contestants, just a reminder), and put them in the order of how well you think they did, 1 being the one who did best and 12 being the one who did worst.

Also, please be good to put little notes next to each contestant on why you think they deserve the place that they're in.

And lastly, **please be ****fair**** in your judgments **(like, don't put a certain ferretmaid in first place simply because you like her, although you don't have to put her in last place if you don't want to), and please consider what the judges in this fic had to say.

Okay? Okay.

Now JUDGE! I mean, REVIEW! WHICHEVER! (Sigh)

* * *

Oh yes, and ONE MORE THING!

Please also state in your review your favorite character, which one that you're rooting for, your personal favorite that you want to win this, okay? Thanks. Bye bye!


	9. The 2nd Judging

**Disclaimer: **I only own Kelaiah the ferret. Nothing else.

Oh yeah, and sorry for the delay.

By the way, I was rather disappointed in you reviewers; a lot of your reviews had a lot of bias in them. (And people accuse the _Redwallers_ of being bias! Well!)

Oh, and not only that, but 4 of the contestants tied in the end results of the votes, so, instead of waiting for another reviewer, I just simply voted myself (there are no rules that state I can't!). I plan to only vote when the contestants are tied and need to come out with their own separate numbers, okay? Okay.

Well, here is the moment you've all been waiting foooooooooooooor!!!!

* * *

Kelaiah stood alone before the stage in Great Hall, holding eleven songsheets face-down in his paws, the ferret's expression just as grim and forboding as he had been for the judgments for the first Trial. 

The twelve contestants came out, some of them solemn-faced, others looking quite confident.

"The votes are in," said Kelaiah, unsmiling. "For this trial . . . there is a winner . . . a loser . . . and all the rest in between.

"Now just for the record, the reviewers voted not only on your singing abilities, but also on how well you performed."

This little piece of information made the contestants' ears perk and those who looked confident earlier now looked decidedly worried. They all watched Kel anxiously, hoping he wouldn't keep them waiting for too long.

"There are twelve contestants in front of me," he continued, "but I only hold eleven song sheets in my paws. The loser's song sheet will _not_ be one of them.

"When I call your name, I want you to come down and get your songsheet, and return to the stage.

"The _first_ song that I pick out will be the contestant who _won_ this challenge."

The male ferret paused and peered through his rectangle-shaped spectacles at the twelve beautiful females that stood before him - and once again mentally sighed, knowing that only in fanfiction could a thing like this happen to him.

* * *

"The winner of the Singing Challenge is. . . . " 

A pause.

The contestants cringed.

Kelaiah pulled out one of the song sheets.

On it, was the title "Not Gonna Get Us".

"Rose."

The mousemaid's paws flew to her mouth as she was showered with clapping from some of the other contestants. Rose wiped at her eyes as she came off the stage to retrieve her songsheet.

"The reviewers _raved _about your performance," Kelaiah said, grinning down at the mousemaid.

Rose gave a choking laugh, still wiping away at her watery eyes.

"They said you have a drop-dead awesome voice and that even though they didn't even _hear_ you, they got goosebumps and watery eyes, just like I did."

Rose gave even louder choking laughs, and wept even more.

"Congratulations," Kelaiah said.

"Thank you," blubbered Rose as she returned to the stage.

* * *

Kelaiah's eyes watched the remaining contestants, all of them eagerly grim. 

"The next songsheet I pull out, will belong to the contestant who did _second_ best," Kelaiah said.

A moment of tense silence, then the ferret pulled out a songsheet with "Who's That Girl" written on it.

"Mhera."

The ottermaid's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. So did a lot of the other contestants'. They had been expecting Trimp to be second . . . well, but then again, Kelaiah had warned them that the reviewers had judged them on not only their voices but also their expressiveness, hadn't he?

At first Mhera hesitated before retrieving her songsheet, glancing at Trimp, but the hogmaid gave her smile and a partial hug before nudging her towards Kelaiah.

"One of the reviewers said that because of your performance they now want to use that song in a fic," Kelaiah told her, smiling.

Mhera laughed and covered her face.

"Congratulations," Kelaiah said. "You did good."

"Thank you," Mhera murmured as she too returned to the stage.

* * *

"The next contestants I'm going to call is," Kelaiah said, solemn again. 

Tense silence.

"Mariel."

The mousemaid gave a loud gasp quickly followed by a gleeful squeal which made Dotti wrinkled her face in disgust. The haremaid shook her head as Mariel got off the stage to retrieve her sheet, half bemused, half angered.

"Don't fall down next time," Kelaiah teased.

Mariel laughed and returned to the stage.

* * *

"Pasque." 

The haremaid gracefully stepped forward, smiling brightly.

"One of the reviewers said that you rate high," Kelaiah told her.

Pasque was pleasantly surprised by this news.

"Way to go."

"Thank you," Pasque replied as she went back to the stage.

* * *

"Trimp." 

The hogmaid came down from the stage, scowling good-naturedly.

_"Finally!"_ she said, throwing her paws up, earning her a few laughs.

"You caused the judges to sing along," Kelaiah said. "Some of the reviewers realized that. Congratulations."

"Thank you," Trimp said, grinning.

* * *

Kelaiah looked over the contestants again with a solemn face. "The next contestant I'm going to call is. . . ." 

Silence.

Kelaiah pulled out the next songsheet.

"The girl next door, Cornflower."

Cornflower gave a snort and clutched at her head, grinning.

Kelaiah smiled down at the mousemaid when she came forward. "A lot of the reviewers admire you."

"I'm glad to hear that," Cornflower replied.

* * *

"Treerose." 

The squirrelmaid's eyes widened, and she came forward, looking like she almost couldn't believe it.

"One of the reviewers wanted you to 'build up some confidence'," Kelaiah told her.

Treerose giggled as she wiped at her eyes.

"You did a good job. Congradulations."

"Thank you."

* * *

"Armel." 

The squirrelmaid gave a smile of relief and came forward.

"This is the exact place where you were in the last judging," Kelaiah said.

Armel blinked. "It is?"

Kelaiah nodded. "But don't worry, this is only the second trial. You still have plenty of time to prove yourself.

* * *

Kelaiah looked at the remaining four contestants: Fwirl, Bluefen, Dotti, and Celandine. 

Celandine had tears running down her cheeks; she couldn't lose again!

Kelaiah pulled out the next songsheet.

Celandine sucked in her breath-

"Celandine."

-and let it out very loudly, thus making the other contestants laugh.

"Oh!" the squirrelmaid squealed, jumping down from the stage. "Oh, thank you! Thank you thank you thank you!"

Kelaiah smiled as he handed her the songsheet, but it disappeared as she flung her arms around his neck and gave him a peck on the cheek. Without waiting to see his reaction, Celandine twirled around back to the stage, almost skipping with relief that she wasn't the loser.

Kelaiah's eyes were wide as he placed a paw against his cheek, then a slow, almost idiotic grin spread across his features-

-but luckily he caught himself just in time and was able to look somber again.

* * *

"The next contestant whose name I'm going to call is. . . ." 

Silence.

"Fwirl."

The squirrelmaid came forward, almost hurrying. She knew that this was lower than what she had been for the last trial.

Kelaiah could tell she was unhappy about where she was, which was why he smiled and said, "Don't worry. You've still got time to prove yourself."

* * *

After Fwirl got back on stage, Kelaiah looked at the remaining two contestants. 

"Will Dotti and Bluefen please step forward?"

Both hare and ferret did as Kelaiah asked. Bluefen looked almost stooped and somewhat glum, whereas Dotti, who had previously been surprised and angry, now had a breezey smile on her face.

Kelaiah arched an eyebrow at the haremaid. "You don't look so disappointed to be in the bottom two again, Dotti."

"Well, at first I was a bit tiffed, doncha know," said Dotti, shrugging her shoulders. "But then I realized that this usually happens. Nobeast can stand to listen to my beautiful more than once, tis far too fine to hear, wot. I know the reviewers didn't want me to strain meself and all that, wot, so its perfectly alright."

Kelaiah blinked. For a moment he considered letting her go on thinking like that - the last time a somebeast contradicted Dotti on her opinion of herself, she beat him to a pulp! But Kelaiah did promise the reviewers he'd tell Dotti that she couldn't sing, so. . . .

The male ferret sighed inwardly, and wondered just _how_ he could tell her without getting his head handed to him-

-suddenly inspiration struck.

"Dotti," Kelaiah said. "Are you a Mary Sue?"

The haremaid looked at him as if he had slapped her; which, in a way, he kinda did.

_"What?!"_ cried Dotti, her eyes snapping with fire. "How _dare_ you say such a thing like that-"

Kelaiah spoke over her. "You have stated that you are a fatal beauty with a voice that's 'too fine to hear more than once'. That's a very common trait for Mary Sues, you can't deny that. So are you?"

Dotti was so angry and flabbergasted that she could barely speak. "Why . . . I . . . _of course not!_ What the blinkin'-"

"I know that you aren't," Kelaiah stated, more calmly than he thought he would.

"Then what the bally stripes d'you mean callin' me a-"

"I know because you can't sing."

Now Dotti _really_ looked like she had been slapped. Kelaiah began speaking before she could recover.

"Dotti, I'm sorry that you have to hear it from me, but you can't sing. You have a horrendous voice that sounds worse than a frog trapped under a hot stone. That's why nobeast can stand to listen to you more than once. None of your friends could bear to tell you because they didn't want to hurt your feelings, but you know what? Telling you that you can't sing is the only way that I don't have to listen to you again. I understand that when Bucko told you you weren't a fatal beauty you got angry and wanted to fight him. But that kind of behaviour will not be tolerated in this competition. You need to learn to respect the opinion of others and to accept that you can't be the best at everything. Otherwise, if you _were_ the best at everything, then you'd be a Mary Sue. And do you want that?"

Dotti didn't say anything.

"Well? Do you?"

Dotti blinked and slowly lowered her head. "No," she murmured.

Kelaiah let out his breath and felt surprised when he let his shoulders drop; they had been tense with nerves. "Good," he said. "The fact that you can accept your faults and inabilities makes you a Non-Mary-Sue. And that's good, right?"

Dotti didn't reply; she was in shock over the whole thing.

Kelaiah watched the haremaid for a moment before turning his attention to Bluefen.

"And then we have you, Bluefen," the male ferret said.

The ferretmaid almost jumped; she had been a silent watcher in the past few tense moments, completely ignored, and now all the focus was on her.

"A little squirrel told me that she heard you singing earlier, and that you have a beautiful voice," Kelaiah said, glancing up at Treerose, who hid her face with her tail. "But what is the use of a beautiful voice when nobeast can hear you?"

Bluefen's head hung lower.

"You came out on stage tonight, and gave the most boring, the most staid performance out of all the contestants. We couldn't hear a word that you were saying, and not only that, but you made us wonder if we really were watching a real live ferretmaid, or if somebeast had tricked us and put a _statue_ out on stage. It was almost embarrassing watching you up there."

Bluefen blinked as her eyes became watery and her head hung even lower.

"Both of you gave the worst performances," continued Kelaiah, looking back and forth between ferretmaid and haremaid. "But only one of you can be on stage tonight in the choir.

"So who did the reviewers pick?

"Did they pick the contestant with the voice thats beautiful, and yet nobeast can hear her?

"Or did they pick the contestant can be heard, and yet nobeast cares to listen?"

A long moment of painful silence.

All the contestants on stage cringed.

Dotti and Bluefen both had their eyes on Kelaiah.

Kelaiah took a deep breath. . . .

"The contestants that the reviewers chose to be on stage tonight is. . . ."

Hearts pounded inside ears as Kelaiah pulled out the final song sheet. . . .

. . . and said,

"Bluefen."

The air left the ferretmaid as she clasped both her paws to her face and fell to her knees.

Dotti stood still as rock for a moment, then her shoulders slumped.

All the other contestants realized they had been holding their breath and quickly let out. Treerose breathed a sigh of relief; she hadn't wanted Bluefen to lose.

The ferretmaid remained as she was, bent over on her knees, shaking her head, her paws still covering her face.

Finally Dotti got down and helped her up, a slightly rueful smile on her face.

"Go on, old thing," the haremaid murmured in Bluefen's ear. "It's only a bally choir you've got to be in, wot?"

"Thank you," Bluefen replied, wiping her eyes. She came forward and took the songsheet.

"The reviewers thought that you would do better in a choir," Kelaiah said. "And I'm sure you will."

Bluefen nodded, still a little in shock that she wasn't the loser. The ferretmaid then made her way back up on stage, where she was hugged by Treerose and some of the other contestants.

Kelaiah turned his attention to Dotti, whose eyes had become watery.

"You, Dotti, are the loser of the Singing Challenge."

The haremaid nodded bravely, accepting her defeat with the dignity befitting for the first General of the Long Patrol.

"You are, however, allowed to attend the concert tonight. Because unlike some other contestants around here-" (Kelaiah glanced at Celandine, who blushed and hid her face with her tail) "-you didn't cheat. But whether you attend tonight is your own choice."

Dotti nodded again.

Kelaiah thought about telling her that she was taking this all very well, but then he figured she would probably like to be alone for a moment.

"Alright, ladies," he said, taking all the contestants into his gaze. "Let's get started on that concert!"

* * *

Dotti sat before the commentary camera and heaved a rough sigh. 

"It was bally hard, doncha know, finding out that a talent you thought you had all my life, that chah never possessed it at all in the first place . . . but I am glad, though, at how that Kelaiah chap told me. I'd much rather be a blinkin' terrible singer than a confounded Mary-Sue, wot wot!"

* * *

**Winner of Challenge 2:** Rose 

**Loser of Challenge 2:** Dotti

**Most Popular Contestant:** Rose

**Order of Performances: **Rose, Mhera, Mariel, Pasque, Trimp, Cornflower, Treerose, Armel, Celandine, Fwirl, Bluefen, Dotti

* * *

Stay tuned for another chapter of Redwall's Next Top Model! 


	10. The Concert

After the concert was over, Treerose sat before the commentary camera.

"Oh, I was so relieved that Bluefen didn't lose the singing challenge. She had such a pretty voice, it would've been such a shame for her not to be up there on stage, though I admit I do feel really sorry for Dotti. She's been having a really rough time here in this competetion. But she's being a really good sport about it, though, and I don't think she holds any grudge against Bluefen, because right before the concert, we were all getting dressed, putting flowers in our fur, doing whatever, and Bluefen, well, I noticed she still looked kind of drab. . . ."

* * *

"Hey, why aren't you getting dressed?" Treerose asked Bluefen, who blushed. 

"I haven't got anything to wear," the ferretmaid almost mumbled.

"What? Well, why didn't you say so?" the squirrelmaid said pleasantly, leading Bluefen over to one of the dressing tables. "Here," she said, rummaging about, picking up a scarf. "Why don't you wear this? Hm, no, it doesn't really suit you. Here, why not this garland? No, that doesn't suit you much either."

"What's going on?" Trimp asked, coming over.

"Oh, Bluefen hasn't anything to wear for the concert and we're looking through all the spare things to see if we can find anything," Treerose explained.

"Well, here, let me help," the hedghog maid said, opening a nearby trunk and pulling out some gorgeous robes.

Treerose noticed that some of the other contestants' were now looking over at them curiously.

"Here, how about this?" Trimp said, holding up a purplish-red cloak to Bluefen. Both Trimp and Treerose eyed Bluefen critically as she meekly held up the cloak.

Finally both squirrelmaid and hogmaid shook their heads. "Mm, no, that doesn't look right."

"Looking for something?" Rose asked as she and Mariel came over.

"Yes," said Treerose. "We're looking for something that Bluefen can wear."

"Well, here," said Mariel, sinking her paws into the trunk. "We can help. Why not this? This might be good?"

Bluefen hunched her shoulders, beginning to feel a bit crowded, but at the same time she couldn't help but feel a bit pleased that they were all trying to help her.

* * *

It was not long before all the other contestants were surrounding the ferretmaid, putting flowers behind her ears and pulling them back out, holding up random robes and cloaks to her and tossing them away, saying that the clothes were either too big or too small or too dull or too bright or they just didn't suit her. 

Finally Dotti came back in from the camera room, where she had been confiding in the commentary camera. She took one look at the chaotic scene and did a double-take.

"What are you all you lot doin' to her?" demanded the haremaid, marching over.

"We are trying to find her something to wear for the concert," Mariel told her harshly.

Dotti glared at the mousemaid, sniffed, and looked at Bluefen, who still being piled with random robes and flowers. The haremaid snorted and shook her head. "That's not the way to do it," she said loudly. "C'mon, you," she added, taking Bluefen by the paw.

"What? What are you doing?" said the other contestants, some of them hurrying after Bluefen and picking up the robes that were falling off of the flustered ferretmaid.

Dotti led Bluefen over to another trunk that had Dotti's name on it. The haremaid unlocked the trunk and pulled out a lovely cloak of pale blue with the slightest hint of lace at the collar.

"Y'can wear this," the haremaid said in a slightly businesslike manner. "I won't be able to be on stage tonight," she added as she put the cloak about Bluefen's shoulders, "but at least my cloak will. Oh, and my bonnet." She reached into the chest and placed a flowered straw bonnet on the ferretmaid's head.

Bluefen looked down at herself, and then turned and looked into a nearby full-length mirror. All the other contestants gasped in delight at the pretty picture Bluefen made. A slow smile of surprised delight crept over the ferretmaid's features, and she began to turn this way and that, becoming more pleased with each second.

Turning to Dotti with glittering eyes, the ferretmaid smiled, "Thank you!"

Dotti smiled back. "Not at all, me good ferretess."

* * *

"It was so nice of Dotti to do that," Treerose said into the commentary camera.

* * *

Just then Kelaiah stuck his head into the room. "You all ready?"

"Yes!" most of the contestants cried.

"Alright then, get a move on!" the male ferret said enthusiasitically.

Dotti was given parting hugs from Bluefen and some of the other contestants before they went out on stage to perform.

* * *

Great Hall was packed with not just Redwallers, but also Badger Lords and even vermin - and of course, as this was fanfiction, a thing like this could happen. 

Finally a tall, skinny male ferret with rectangular glasses came out on the stage, only to be greeted with cheers.

"Thank you, thank you," Kelaiah said, waving a paw. "Now then, I present to you, the winners of the Singing Challenge!"

Kelaiah jumped off stage as the curtain lifted and Rose, with her ten-beast choir behind her, began to sing "Trail of Broken Hearts" by Dragonforce.

Kelaiah grinned and turned to Adderstar of ValorClan. "A little gift, matey!"

Rose was phenomenal, and the choir was spectacular as they sang the song. They sang several lovely songs after that one, and everybeast enjoyed themselves emmensely.

Dotti sat in the crowds, a little bitter at first over the whole situation, but the others were so good that after awhile she forgot her bitterness and enjoyed herself. She even managed to enjoy herself a little more at one point in time where Mariel tripped over her own feet and stumbled, creating a bit of a havoc.

Other than Mariel tripping (again), the concert was a huge success. It was just as big a disappointment when it ended, but it had to; Rose's throat was beginning to dry out after singing for quite a long time. Tired but happy, the contestants received claps and cheers and flowers from their audience.

Kelaiah suddenly stepped onto stage. "Ladies and gentlebeasts," he called. "I hope you all enjoyed this-" he was interrupted by cheering roars and thundering claps "-but the contestants _must_ be getting to bed. They need their rest for tomorrow, for that is when the next trial is going to be."

All the contestants stared at Kelaiah with wide eyes.

"Yep," the male ferret said. "And not only that, but the trial will be riddle-solving, and we all know how tiring that can be. So good-night all, have pleasant dreams."

Even more tired and slightly less happy now, the twelve contestants retired to their room, not really looking forward to the impossibly complex riddles that would surely await them tomorrow.

* * *

**A/N:** Don't worry, there won't be very many filler chapters, not like _last _time. Hoped you all liked this chapter! 


	11. Trial 3 Part 1

**A/N: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret. (duh, you should all know that by now! ;D )

* * *

The twelve contestants filed into their room and got ready for bed, yet the knowledge that they would be doing riddles tomorrow made them restless, thus resulting in them all sitting on the beds and talking.

"What do you suppose the riddles will be about?" Fwirl asked.

"They'll be hard, that's what they'll be about," Mariel said, wrinkling her face.

"But will they?" said Armel. "I mean, the songs they had us do weren't Redwall-ish songs, they were from Kelaiah's original homeland. They could be riddles from there as well."

"But they had us cook meals that are from Redwall," put in Trimp.

"Well, whether they're from Redwall or wherever Kels' from, we won't know until tomorrow," said Mhera in a tone that settled the matter.

"I'm still nervous," moaned Cornflower. "Riddles are hard to figure out."

"That's why they're riddles, wotwot!" put in Pasque brightly.

Everybeast laughed.

"Yes, but you should talk, Cornflower," said Trimp. "You've had experience with riddles - I've never had any! Tomorrow will be _awful_ for me."

"Well, we won't know until tomorrow, will we?" Mhera once again put in. She then turned to Dotti. "You're pretty quiet, Dotti."

The haremaid shrugged from her bed. "Eh, just a little down about losin' the bally singin' contest and all, wot."

As the other contestants made sounds of sympathy, Bluefen spoke up. "I was so shocked that I was chosen over you."

"What?!" cried Treerose, staring at the ferretmaid with wide eyes.

Bluefen pulled her knees up to her chin, a shaky smile about her face. "I was so scared to be up there all alone; I know I'm not a singer."

"What?!" cried Treerose again. "I heard you earlier! You've got a beautiful voice!"

"Yeah, you just can't get it out," Rose said, carefully sitting next to the shy ferret.

Bluefen shrugged. "I'm just still surprised that I didn't lose when I gave the worst performance."

"Oh bully for you," Dotti frowned. "You didn't lose, boo-hoo for you, and here _I_ am, just realizing that a talent I thought I had all my life _isn't_ a talent at all!"

"Dotti!" cried some of the other contestants.

"Leave her alone!" snapped Mariel.

"No, no, she's right," Bluefen said. "I'm sorry, Dotti, I was being selfish, I. . . ."

"Well, its not your fault that Dotti's got a voice that can curdle milk and turn butterflies into frogs!" Mariel interrupted, glaring at the haremaid.

Dotti jumped up, her face writhing in fury. "Well at least I didn't fall off the stage _twice!"_

Well, next thing that happened, haremaid and mousemaid were flying at each other but were soon separated by the others.

"Alright!" Mhera shouted. "Now stop it! Both of you! Stoppit! You're just tired, both of you, we all are, and we need some rest, so lets get to bed, alright?!"

The ottermaid's tone was so dangerous that not even Mariel and Dotti dared contradict her, and within minutes all were sound asleep.

* * *

The next morning saw the twelve contestants making their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast, only to be confronted with this scene:

All in the Great Hall was gone, save for several (twelve, to be exact) chairs that were set before a great large white sheet hanging from the ceiling.

A tall, skinny male ferret stepped out from behind the sheet, his brown eyes grinning from behind his rectangular glasses.

"Good morning, ladies, and I suppose you're wondering what this is all about," he said cheerfully.

"Um, uh, yeah, sure," the contestants said, glancing at one another.

"This," the male ferret said, gesturing dramatically at the big white sheet, "is a prize for Dalia N'Shard, who is my **100th** reviewer."

"Oh, wow," the contestants said, clapping a bit.

"Yes, yes," Kelaiah said. "Now, if you would all just take your seats before the screen here, you'll be able to watch what happens."

And so they did.

* * *

**A/N: **I don't own Romsca, Sampetra, Ublaz Mad-Eyes, (all of which are property of Brian Jacques) or Blackrose (who is property of Dalia N'Shard).

* * *

Drunken, bawling laughter filled the tavern's dense air. The corsairs had returned to Sampetra to "pay" their "tribute" to "Emperor" Ublaz Mad Eyes.

"To Ubbie-laz Mad Eyes!" a filthy searat called out drunkenly, holding up his tankard of seaweed grog.

General laughter responded. "To Ubbie-laz Mad Eyes!" the corsairs boomed, enjoying the accidental mimic of their Emperor's name.

The corsairs clanked their tankards and then upended its contents into their mouths before slamming the drinking vessels down with a roar of laughter.

"'ey, Romsca! 'ow 'bout a song, eh?" a weasel called out.

Some of the other corsairs heard this and joined in.

"Yeah, Romsca, ol' matey, how 'bout it?"

"A song, me fair Romsca! Give us a song!"

The ferret in question gave a roll of her eyes but smiled nonetheless and stood none-too-steadily on her feet.

"Alrigh'," she said, her voice a bit slurred but clear enough. "But only if me best mate Blackrose 'ere will join me!"

Of course Blackrose was bombarded at once to sing a song with Romsca.

"I no much of a singer, yarr," the young mousemaid said, waving her paws.

"Come on, mate," Romsca wheedled, giving the mouse a hearty slap on the back that nearly sent her rolling. "It's only singin' yah got ta do. 's not like we're gonna feed yer to the Moniters, eh? Heh heh."

Blackrose gave a wry smile and finally got up, resulting in hearty claps and cheers from the corsairs.

"Ahoy, there, mateys!" Romsca yelled, jumping up onto a nearby table, almost falling back off. Blackrose jumped forward and held her steady.

"Wot's that fanciful tune I hears?" Romsca continued, allowing Blackrose to stand her up.

"It's the Braggin' Song!" Bladetail the searat yelled excitedly, rubbing his paws with glee.

Romsca nodded. "Aye, that's the one!" The ferret sucked in a great big breath and launched into her song:

_I'm the babe of a bloodripper,_

_Born in the teeth of a gale,_

_I'm the one who wields the sword,_

_An' makes the foebeast wail._

Here Blackrose jumped in, taking over from Romsca:

_I am as sharp as der reef rock,_

_I carry death in mine paw,_

_Go vhere I like, slay who I vill,_

_Dat's de corsairs' law!_

Now both females sang in unison:

_Blood's me favorite color,_

_I'm swifter'n lightnin' aye,_

Romsca:

_Stand out me way, _

Blackrose:

_Stand out I say,_

Both:

_Step aside now, or die!_

Romsca:

_'Cos I'm the spawn o' nightstorm,_

_An' death sails in me wake,_

Blackrose:

_I sheath mine blade in innards,_

_An' vot I vant, I take!_

Romsca:

_Come one, come all, I'm waitin',_

_I'll flay yer carcass bare,_

Blackrose:

_So everyplace I go dey say,_

Both:

_'Ahoy, you bold corsaaaaaaiiiiiirrrrr!_

They ended the last note in slightly hoarse, somewhat off-key voices, but they received great loads of applause from the other corsairs.

The two females gave their bows, Blackrose keeping the still-slightly-drunken Romsca from tumbling over.

* * *

The twelve contestants gave hearty claps at the movie, though some of them thought it wasn't very appropriate to watch right before they ate breakfast.

"Thank you, thank you all," Kelaiah said, stepping out in front of the now-blank screen. "Now I have somebeast to introduce to you."

He gestured to the side of the screen, and out stepped Blackrose.

The contestants gave even more hearty claps and even cheered. Blackrose smiled and waved her thanks.

"Now you all know that the next challenge is going to take place today, right?" Kelaiah said. "And that it's about riddles, right?"

"Yes!" the contestants said.

"Well, here's how its going to work: you will be divided up into four teams, and for the rest of the day you will only consort with your team, nobeast else except maybe me. Or one of the staff. But nobeast else! And not only that, but Blackrose here is going to read you your riddles!"

The contestants cheered for the dark-eyed mousemaid, who grinned and stepped forward, holding up several sheets of paper.

"Alright, first off," Blackrose said. "I vos instructed to inform you dat deese riddles were given to Kelaiah by Adderstar of ValorClan."

"The _only_ reviewer who answered my plea for riddles," Kelaiah muttered darkly.

Blackrose went on to read the selected riddles:

**Riddle 1:** Never one color, never one size,  
Stuck to the ground, it easily flies  
Present in sun but never in rain,  
Doing no harm and feeling no pain.

**Riddle 2:** Little nancy etticoat, in a white petticoat  
And a red nose  
She has no feet or hands, and the longer she stands,  
The shorter she grows.

**Riddle 3:** In marble walls as white as milk,  
Lined with a skin as soft as silk,  
Within a fountain crystal clear,  
A golden apple doth appear.  
No doors there are to this stronghold,  
Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.

**Riddle 4:** Thirty white horses upon a red hill,  
Now they tramp, now they champ, now they stand still.

**Riddle 5:** Thomas a Tattamus took two T's,  
To tie two tups to two tall trees,  
To frighten the terrible Thomas a Tattamus!  
Tell me how many T's there are in all that!

* * *

The contestants were soon divided up into four groups and put in different places of the abbey to figure things out.

Team 1: Mhera, Dotti, Treerose

Team 2: Cornflower, Bluefen, Fwirl

Team 3: Rose, Trimp, Armel

Team 4: Mariel, Pasque, Celandine

* * *

**A/N:** This isn't techinically a filler chapter, because the plot _is_ moving along. The chapter was actually supposed to be longer, but I couldn't get the second half done, so I decided to stop keeping you all waiting and to just post this.

On another note, it looks like there's some tensions going on between the contestants! Is there mayhem in the future, perhaps? We'll just have to find out!

Oh, and in case anyone thought Dotti was acting kinda mean, try to see things from her point of view, okay?

Dalia N'Shard, did you enjoy your prize, hmm? Hope you did, I tried to put Blackrose and Romsca in a situation that would be enjoyable, and hopefully it was.


	12. Trial 3 Part 2

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret. Oh, and apologies if any of the characters act OOC.

* * *

Each of the four teams were seated in several different parts of the abbey.

Team 1 was seated out in the orchard. Team 2 was in Cavern Hole. Team 3 was in the Bell Tower, and Team 4 was in the Gatehouse.

Each of the teams was also served breakfast as well by a group of moles (some of them being female, and grumbling how they're always getting the short end of the stick of everything).

"Mmm-MM!" said Dotti, sinking her teeth ravenously into a strawberry-cream-raspberry scone. "Delicious tuck, eh, wotwot? Y'don't get good food like this at Salamandrawotsit! Why, I'd even bet this ol' food could rival Rogg Longladle's cookin'! Though don't tell him I said that," she added hurriedly to Mhera and Treerose, who laughed.

"Don't worry, your secret is safe with us!" chuckled Treerose.

"Alright then," Mhera said, spreading out the riddle-sheet on the ground so that they could all see it. "Let's start with Riddle One and work our way down, is that alright?"

"Mm-hm," agreed Treerose.

Dotti shrugged. "Well, that is the most logical thing to do, eh, me good otteress?"

Mhera gave a small laugh at "otteress", but read the paper. "Alright, Riddle One is . . .

"Never one color, never one size,  
Stuck to the ground, it easily flies  
Present in sun but never in rain,  
Doing no harm and feeling no pain."

Dotti shook her head, her lips covered with scone-crumbs and honey. "Well, confound it, if that isn't a jolly bloomin' blinkin' head-twister, then I'm a stoat!"

"Don't talk with your mouth full," Treerose admonished. "But our voracious friend is right, Mhera. It _does_ sound like a 'head-twister'."

"Not really," Mhera murmured, peering closely at the paper. "We just need to figure out what thing answers to all these descriptions. Now, what is never one color? What always changes color?"

"The sky?" Dotti offered. "You should see the sunset at Salamandastron, its beautiful."

"I'm sure it is," said Treerose, "but I'm pretty sure its not the answer to the riddle, because the next line is 'never one size', and the sky is _always_ the same size."

"Hm, you've got a point there, ol' treeclimber," Dotti nodded, picking up another scone.

"But the next few lines are really puzzling," the squirrelmaid said. "How can something be stuck to the ground, and yet can easily fly? It makes no sense."

"Maybe it's talking about a Mary-Sue," chortled Dotti.

"Come on, Dotti, this is serious," said Treerose. "Although that doesn't sound very far-fetched."

In the meantime, Mhera had been muttering the rest of the riddle to herself. "'Present in sun but never in rain, doing no harm and feeling no pain'. Ugh! Its such a strange puzzle!"

"Well, let's just try what you suggested earlier," said Treerose. "Figure out everything one line at a time. Now, what is 'present in sun by never in rain'?"

The three fell silent, Mhera with her clenched paws holding up her chin, Treerose twitching her tail, Dotti, reaching for another scone and munching it down.

Mhera had been certain she would have been good at the riddle challenge, but now she wasn't so sure. And it was only the first riddle! The ottermaid looked down at the ground, not really gazing at anything, subconsciously noting how sharp a contrast her shadow made in the coloring of the grass, and suddenly noticed that the two colors were slowly becoming one. Mhera blinked, and looked up. A cloud was passing by the sun. The otter looked back down at the grass--

--and it all clicked.

"A shadow!"

Treerose and Dotti jumped. "What?!"

"A shadow!" Mhera said, looking quite excited. "That could be it! A shadow's never one color, never one size, its always on the ground-"

"But how can a shadow fly?" objected Dotti.

Mhera stopped and blinked. Uh oh, had she guessed wrong?

"It could fly if it were a bird's shadow," said Treerose.

"Yes it could!" Mhera cried happily, grinning at the squirrelmaid. "And it also can only be seen in the sun, but never in the rain. . . ."

"And it never hurts anybeast and never fells any pain!" finished Dotti, looking quite excited herself.

"Yes! We finished our first riddle!" screamed Treerose jubilantly.

* * *

Meanwhile, Team 3, who was up in the Bell Tower, actually heard Treerose's shout.

"Hmph!" said Trimp. "They don't have to rub it in!"

Rose and Armel laughed, though they two were a bit peeved.

"Alright, come on you two," encouraged Rose. "If they can figure this one out, we can too!"

"But it doesn't make any sense," said Trimp, who was frustrated that she hadn't any experience with riddles. "What can fly around and still not leave the ground?"

They had been a bit stumped by the riddle, and were steadily growing more worried.

"What can fly and still not leave the ground," muttered Armel, pulling her knees to her chin as she gazed out from the bell tower, as though something might bring her inspiration--

--and it did.

A bird came flying by, and the squirrelmaid saw its shadow on the ground.

"How about a shadow?" Armel said, sitting up straighter.

"A shadow?" said Trimp.

"Yes, a shadow!" cried Rose. "Yes, a shadow fits all the descriptions!"

"But how can a shadow fly?" Trimp wanted to know.

"Well, the word 'fly' doesn't necessarily mean to really _fly,"_ explained Rose. "The word fly could also mean 'run', couldn't it?"

"Well, yes, I suppose so," Trimp conceded.

"Alright! We've finished our first riddle too!" Armel shouted, half hoping that Team 1 would hear her.

* * *

Team 4, who had been in the Gatehouse, had also heard Treerose's exclamation of her teams' figuring out Riddle 1.

"Somebeast sounds happy," Pasque drily remarked.

"Come _on!"_ Mariel said, looking back and forth between her partners. "We can figure this out! It's easier than it looks! What is never one color and never one size?"

"Well," stated Celandine, who was seated on a stack of old books. "Butterflies are never one color and size, each of them has their own-"

"No, no!" Mariel snapped.

"Let's just calm down," Pasque's soft voice said. "Now, what we're looking for is something that's never one color or size, its stuck to the ground, and yet it can fly, its always around in the sun, but its never around in the rain, and it does no harm and feels no pain."

"Phew!" said Celandine, pretending to wipe her brow. "Now if that isn't a lot of things a creature has to be, I don't know what is!"

"Maybe its not a creature," Mariel pointed out, giving the squirrelmaid a look. "Ugh, I've delt with riddles before, they're usually easier than they seem!"

"Well, let's start from the line 'doing no harm and feeling no pain'," said Pasque. "Does that remind any of you of anything?"

"Air!" said Celandine at once. Pasque and Mariel looked at her. Celandine pouted. "Well, its true! Air doesn't do any harm to anybeast, and how could it feel pain?"

"Actually, you may be right," said Mariel, looking back over the riddle.

"No, she's not," said Pasque. "There's another line, 'present in sun but never in rain'. Air is _always_ around."

Celandine shrugged. "It was worth a try."

"It's okay, Celandine," Mariel sighed. "But why don't we try that line? 'Present in sun but never in rain', I think that line might be more helpful. What's always around in the sun but never the rain?"

"Me!" said Celandine. "I'm _never_ around in the rain, I'd ruin my tail!"

Mariel and Pasque stared at the squirrel. Just when she started to show some intelligence, she went back to being stupid.

"I think we're going to need something else," Pasque said. "Because you're not stuck to the ground and can't fly, right?"

"Yes," Celandine conceded.

Mariel looked back at the riddle:

Never one color, never one size,  
Stuck to the ground, it easily flies  
Present in sun but never in rain,  
Doing no harm and feeling no pain.

The mousemaid looked up and found herself gazing at her shadow on the wall. She was still listening to the other's conversation, though.

"We just need to figure out what can't be seen when there's no sun around," Pasque's soft voice was saying.

Mariel turned to the haremaid. "What did you say?"

"I said we just need to figure out what can't be seen when there's no sun around," Pasque repeated.

"A shadow!" Mariel almost shouted. "That's it! A shadow! A shadow isn't one color, its size depends on what's casting it, its always on the ground--"

"But how can a shadow fly?" asked Celandine.

Here Mariel stopped. Had she got it wrong? She was so certain that that had been it!

Pasque looked at the riddle paper. "Well, it certainly does match all the other lines, its never around in the rain but its always around in the sun, plus it never does harm and a shadow can't feel pain."

"Well, let's just put down 'shadow' anyway," said Mariel. "I'm sick of this riddle and we've wasted too much time on it!"

* * *

Team 2 was in Cavern Hole, and had already figured out Riddle 1. It had been Cornflower who figured it out.

"Congratulations, Cornflower!" said Fwirl, giving a small clap of her paws.

Cornflower grinned. "I would have figured it out faster if Baby Rollo were here."

Fwirl and Bluefen laughed, and continued on to the next riddle:

Little nancy etticoat, in a white petticoat  
And a red nose  
She has no feet or hands, and the longer she stands,  
The shorter she grows.

"Now that sounds rather silly," commented Bluefen.

"Oh, all riddles sound silly when you first read them," said Cornflower. "But after you figure them out, they don't seem so silly any more."

"I feel rather sorry for this 'Nancy Etticoat'," said Fwirl. "How did she lose her paws?"

"What?" said Cornflower.

"Isn't Nancy Etticoat a sort of Abbey story or something?"

"No, there's no story about a creature named Nancy Etticoat!" laughed Cornflower.

"Oh," blinked Fwirl. "I thought it was, and then we'd have to go find the book and follow the riddles from there, like how we did with the ITTAGALS."

"Well, I don't think these riddles are going to be like that," said Cornflower.

"But what do you think it is?" Bluefen asked.

"Hard to say. What gets shorter the longer it stands?"

"And has a red nose? A beast with a cold?"

Cornflower laughed.

Fwirl, meanwhile, had been staring at a candle while she pondered what the riddle could possibly mean.

"No, I don't its a beast with a cold," said Cornflower. "A beast with a cold doesn't get shorter the longer he stands, right?"

"Well, his posture might droop so that he appears to grow shorter."

Cornflower blinked. "You might be right. Hold on, what else does the riddle say? A white petticoat? No feet or hands. . . ."

"A candle!"

Cornflower and Bluefen turned to Fwirl, who had spoken.

"Its a candle! I'll bet it is! Look at this one right here! See, its white, and the way it melts, the wax forms a sort of petticoat around the holder. . . ."

"And it grows shorter the longer it stands. . . ." said Cornflower.

"And has a red nose," finished Bluefen.

"You did it, Fwirl! You did it!"

Fwirl hid her face with her tail. "Nothing, really."

* * *

And so the day wore on, each team figuring out what each riddle meant. Everybeast was able to figure out Riddles 2 (Mariel, Rose, and Mhera figured this one out for their teams) and 4 (on this riddle, Cornflower and Bluefen were the only ones who knew what 'horses' were; "There was a horse in my book!" said Cornflower; and Bluefen remarked that there had been a editing error in her book, where Sunflash was supposed to be talking to two of his hares, not his horses, but in the end Treerose, Dotti, Cornflower, Rose, Armel, and Mariel figured them out), but Riddles 3 and 5 did stump them for awhile.

(It would be interesting to note that during Riddle 2, Rose had one of those 'visits' from Martin's ghost, where the creature falls asleep for the shortest amount of time, wakes up and doesn't remember the dream until a certain time later. With Rose, she saw Martin coming towards with his warmest, gentlest, most loving smile ever -- and then she saw Kelaiah jump out with a wooden board and begin to bang Martin's head in, screaming, "NO HELPING THE CONTESTANTS! NO HELPING THE CONTESTANTS! NO HELPING THE CONTESTANTS! _NO HELPING THE CONTESTANTS!"_ When Rose woke up, the last thing she remembered was thinking, "That was... disturbing," before forgetting everything.)

* * *

Riddle 3: In marble walls as white as milk,  
Lined with a skin as soft as silk,  
Within a fountain crystal clear,  
A golden apple doth appear.  
No doors there are to this stronghold,  
Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.

All of the teams were clueless as to what this riddle could possibly mean.

In Cavern Hole, Cornflower and Fwirl were busily talking about what it could possibly mean, while Bluefen leaned her head back against the wall. For some odd reason, she found herself thinking back to the days before Swartt Sixclaw came into her life, when she had been little, when she had witnessed some of the other young vermin throwing rocks at a bird's nest and then climbing up the tree, where they reached in and took from the nest. . . .

"Eggs."

Cornflower and Fwirl stopped and stared at Bluefen, whose eyes were wide open.

"Its talking about eggs. They're white on the outside, yet they're golden on the inside. I've seen them before. Some creatures eat the inside of eggs and. . . ."

Fwirl and Cornflower wrinkled their faces in disgust. "How can they eat such things?!"

Bluefen shrugged, her old shyness suddenly coming back. "I guess some vermin are like that."

"Oh, Bluefen, we didn't mean anything by that," both squirrelmaid and mousemaid hastened to say.

"It's alright," Bluefen shrugged. "I always wondered why they ate them, too."

* * *

Bluefen was not the only one who figured out Riddle Three.

Mhera herself also had suddenly found herself recalling what her brother Deyna had told her about living with the Juskarath, how the vermin killed birds and ate the eggs from their nest. She recalled that Deyna had described the outside of an egg to be pale, and smooth, but it held a round golden-colored yolk. . . .

The other teams, however, were not very well-versed with eggs, and therefore had nothing to compare the riddle to.

"Oh, I give up!" said Mariel. "Let's just leave that riddle and come back to it later!"

And so Team 4 came to Riddle Five:

Thomas a Tattamus took two T's,  
To tie two tups to two tall trees,  
To frighten the terrible Thomas a Tattamus!  
Tell me how many T's there are in all that!

"Two," said Celandine immediately.

Pasque and Mariel looked at Celandine.

The squirrelmaid nodded. "It's a trick-riddle, just like the ones Ballaw was always coming up with. The riddle is asking how many T's there are in 'all that'!"

Mariel and Pasque stared at Celandine, then looked at each other, then shrugged.

"Well, that _does_ make senes," Mariel conceded.

The other teams also managed to get the answer to Riddle 5 (Dotti jokingly said "2" but Mhera saw the sense in that answer; Cornflower had almost at once realized what the riddle was asking, as had Rose and Armel).

* * *

It was sunset when Kelaiah called all four teams back into the Great Hall.

"Good evening ladies," the male ferret chirped. "Were those riddles hard?"

_"Yes,"_ the contestants replied.

"Well, here's the good news: you won't have to do any more riddles in this competition."

The contestants clapped.

"Now if each team will set down their sheets of paper on this table before me?"

The contestants complied; each of their papers had their teams' number on it, along with their answers to the riddles.

"Thank you, ladies," Kelaiah said. "Now, you will all step out for a minute while the Reviewers judge who did the best . . . and who did the worst."

* * *

**A/N: **How I want you all to vote is like this:

In each team, number each one how you thought was best and who was worst (1 being the best and 3 being the worst), and then compare each team to the other, until you have numbered all the contestants 1 through 12, 1 being the best and 12 being the worst.

Try to be fair and logical in your judgments, please, thank you very much, and PLEASE, after you have numbered the contestants, please state which of the contestants is your favorite.

Thanks a lot!

--Kel

P.S. I think the Redwallers don't use eggs because they don't need them, like that's just the way how things like that work in the Redwall world. Just thought I'd say.


	13. Further Instruction

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

Kelaiah the ferret was very annoyed; none of the reviewers understood what he had meant on his instructions for voting!

"Alright!" he shouted. "Here's what I meant, and please PAY ATTENTION!

"First I wanted you reviewers to take each team and rate how each group member in that team did. Example:

"Team 1: Mhera(1), Treerose(2), Dotti(3);

"Team 2: Cornflower(1), Bluefen(2), Fwirl(3); etc.

"THEN, after you were done with that, you were to compare each team with the other teams, and use that information to figure out where each of them would be on the 12 list! OKAY?!

"Sorry for shouting, but I really hate it whenever I explain something that I think is totally understandable, only to find that it isn't.

"So, with this new piece of instruction in mind, those of you who have already voted, please vote again, otherwise your vote will NOT be counted. Or if you haven't already voted, then please vote according to these rules, alright? Alright, thank you very much! Have a pleasant day! God bless!"

And with that, the skinny ferret slumped into a chair, his glasses sliding down his muzzle.

"Ugh, I need more chocolate..."


	14. The 3rd Judging

**Disclaimer: **I only own Kelaiah the ferret. Nothing else.

Well, here is the moment you've all been waiting foooooooooooooor!

* * *

Kelaiah stood alone before the stage in Great Hall, holding eleven riddle-sheets in his paws, the ferret's expression just as grim and forboding as he had been for the previous judgments.

The twelve contestants came out, some of them solemn-faced, others looking confident.

"I have eleven sheets in my paws," Kelaiah said, unsmiling. "They are all copies of your riddle-sheets, and each of them have your names on them. The maiden whose name is not on one, is the loser of this trial."

All twelve maidens stood very still, their overbright eyes fixated on Kel.

"The _first_ sheet that I pick out will be the contestant who _won_ this challenge."

The male ferret paused and peered through his rectangle-shaped spectacles at the twelve beautiful females that stood before him - and once again mentally sighed, knowing that only in fanfiction could a thing like this happen to him.

* * *

The ferret took a small breath, and said, "The winner of the Riddle Challenge is. . . ."

All were silent. Some even forgot to breathe.

Kel pulled out the first riddle-sheet.

"Mhera."

The ottermaid's eyes popped and she nearly sank to her knees, except she was being hugged by some of the others. The rest clapped heartily or politely, smiling at the abbess. Fwirl gave her a huge hug, saying loudly, "I knew you'd be the one to win! I just knew it!"

Wiping tears from her eyes Mhera made her way up to Kel, who smiled down at her.

"Congratulations, Mhera," the ferret said.

"Thank you, so much," the ottermaid whispered, shaking her head, as though not believing her good fortune.

* * *

Kelaiah turned his eyes back to the others.

"The next name I'm going to call is. . . ."

Silence.

Mhera stood off to the side, waiting tensely for who came in second.

Kel pulled out the next piece of paper.

"Cornflower."

The mousemaiden made her way forward, the others behind her clapping a bit.

"Good job, Miss Cornflower," Kel said, grinning down at the little mouse.

"Thank you," Cornflower replied, going over and standing next to Mhera.

* * *

Kel looked at the remaining ten females. He pulled out the next sheet.

"Rose."

"Armel."

"Mariel."

"Fwirl."

"Bluefen."

"Treerose."

"Celandine."

* * *

Finally Kel paused and looked at the three remaining beasts standing before him: Trimp, Pasque, and Dotti.

Dotti's head was lowered, and, though her brow was furrowed deeoply, she looked to be on the verge of tears. No, she couldn't lose, she couldn't! Not again! It was too soon!

"Dotti."

The haremaid's eyes widen but her shoulders sagged with relief. She hurried forward and took the proffered paper.

"You did better than last time," Kel said. "Well done."

"Thank you," Dotti breathed, wiping her eyes.

* * *

After the hare had gone to stand with the others, the male ferret turned and looked back at the remaining two: Pasque and Trimp.

"Will Pasque and Trimp please step forward?"

The two maidens did so, holding paws.

By the time they stood before Kel, all the other contestants were looking at them with disbelieving eyes. Kel understood their disbelief.

"Who would have thought," he said quietly, "that you two, Pasque and Trimp, would be standing before me? That you two would _ever_ stand before me? It always seemed, right from the start, that you two were the most stable ones in the group. After all . . .

". . . _you _Pasque, are you not a Long Patrol hare? True, Dotti is one, but she and you just aren't the same. She was wild in her youth, and you, presumably, led a pretty disciplined life. You were the prettiest hare of your time, and the gentlest creature your husband Tammo had ever encountered. You also are a healer, a very good one, probably one of the best of your time. And you fought bravely on several occasions, never running away in fear, always helping others, always on your toes. And in this competition, up until now you were doing quite well.

"And then we have Trimp. A pretty hedgehog who has proved dozens of times that you can take care of yourself. You sang the song that led Martin the Warrior to find out his father's tale, and have followed him on his journeys without fear or complaint. You fought off several vermin, many of those times when you had a baby to watch out for. And, like Pasque, you also were doing very well in this competition . . . up until now.

"So whose name is on this piece of paper that will determine the outcome? Both of you are neck-and-neck in this, and I've looked at how the reviewers have voted on you guys."

Silence. Dead silence. One could hear a pin drop.

"The next name I'm going to call is. . . ."

Trimp felt blood pumping in her ears. She knew that Pasque was going to be called forward, she just knew it! Oh, Trimp never had any experience with riddles before, she knew she would lose this, she knew she wou-

"Trimp."

The hogmaid blinked.

_What?_

There were gasps from the other contestants, murmurings of, "Oh my gosh" and "Oh, Pasque!"

Trimp could hardly move. Had she heard right, or was she hallucinating?

But the haremaid smiled, and gave Trimp a gentle hug, careful not to get pricked by her spikes. She then gave the hedgehog a gentle nudge forward.

"Go on, take it. I'm sure there's a reason they chose you."

As Trimp took the piece of paper from Kel, the ferret spoke up. "There is a reason, Pasque. I added up what the reviewers had put, and they way how it all added up, you, Pasque, ended up at the end of the list."

Smiling ruefully and shrugging, the haremaid gave Kel a hug before going over to the other contestants, who quickly encircled her with hugs.

* * *

"Mhera," Kelaiah called. "Since you are the winner, would you like to see what your prize is?"

"Oh!" The ottermaid had completely forgot about a prize. "Oh, yes! I - I would!"

Kel grinned. "Good, because you will be receiving a most lovely prize for winning this challenge, and I'd hate for you not to get it."

Mhera smiled and Fwirl playfully nudged her.

"And that prize . . . is this."

And with that, a handsome male otter came out a certain door, holding a small-ish wooden chest in his large paws.

There were several giggles from most of the other contestants while Mhera blushed and shushed them.

"Is _he_ her prize?" Celandine asked, looking slightly envious.

Kelaiah laughed. "No, but what he's carrying is."

Suddenly a brown blur came rushing out from the same door and kicked the male otter solidly from behind.

"NO!" shouted Cheek. _"I'M _the one who gets to give it to her!" He snatched the chest from the gaping otter's paws and stood before Mhera, smiling in a way that he thought was rather charming, but ended up looking kinda goofy.

"Here's yer prize!" Cheek chattered, grinning as he held out the handsomely carved wooden box toward his beloved, wishing he could flex his muscles (just as a reminder, in this fic, Cheek is grown up, in case anyone forgot that).

Mhera blinked but nonetheless smiled. "A box. How . . . lovely. I love the way its carved," she added sincerely. "It's beautiful."

Cheek grinned. "Open it."

Trying to ignore the giggles from her fellow contestants, Mhera opened the chest-

-and gasped in wonder.

The other contestants craned their necks to see what it was, but Mhera solved that problem for them. She very carefully picked up the item, turned around, and the giggles from the other maidens immediately became "oohs" and "aahs".

From inside the box came out the most beautiful jeweled necklace any of them had ever seen. It was silver, intricate, with pearls both large and small, and clear sparkling diamonds. It was enough to make a creature drool - in a manner of speaking, that is.

Mhera was gazing at it in complete wonder. She just couldn't quite get herself to realize that this necklace was now hers.

Cheek, however, took advantage of her shock and, stepping behind her, took the necklace from her paws and fastened it about her neck.

"The most beautiful necklace for the most beautiful otter," he murmured.

Again the others giggled.

Mhera wished they'd stop, and that Cheek would stop, and that she could stop _blushing. . . ._

"Alright, Cheek, alright," Kel said, frowning at the male otter. "What did I tell you earlier? No flirting with the contestants!"

"Awww! Why not?!" whined Cheek.

"Because you're too young to be thinking of girls, young rip," Basil Stag Hare said, who had just walked in.

"'Too young'?!" cried Cheek, infuriated. "I'm not a Dibbun anymore, old flopears! I'm grown up now! I can-"

"'Flopears'?!" shouted Basil. "'Old'?! Come 'ere and I'll show you old, yah blinkin' rap-scallywag!"

And with that, both hare and otter went at it, boxing each other, Cheek dodging Basil's kicking footpaws while Basil dodged Cheeks' rudder.

"Uuuhhh," said Kelaiah nervously. "I think all you maidens should retire for the evening. Eh, dinner will be served to you later, okay? See you all- AARG!" The ferret nearly dodged Cheek, who had been thrown by Basil.

"Haha! Yah gotta try harder than that, young rip!" laughed the old hare.

"HI_-YAH!"_ SCREAMED CHEEK, GOING INTO ANGRY CAPS MODE AS HE SENT A KICK FLYING AT BASIL.

"AUGH!" shrieked Basil. "Oh, wanna play rough do we? Well, two can play at that game! HI-_YAAAH!"_ BASIL ALSO WENT INTO ANGRY CAPS MODE.

"Ugh," said Kelaiah as the contestants ran off. "Just when I finish the last of that chocolate. . . ."

* * *

"Now," the male ferret said later as he oversaw the moles serving the contestants their dinner. "I take my leave of you all for now. I suggest that you all get some food in you and get to sleep soon, because tomorrow . . . is the fourth trial."

The contestants cheered, especially Dotti and Mariel, who knew that the next trial was going to be **fighting.**

* * *

**Winner of Challenge 3: **Mhera

**Loser of Challenge 3: **Pasque

**Most Popular Contestant:** Tie between Mariel & Dotti

**Order of Performances: **Mhera, Cornflower, Rose, Armel, Mariel, Fwirl, Bluefen, Treerose, Celandine, Dotti, Trimp, Pasque

* * *

Stay tuned for another chapter of Redwall's Next Top Model! After all, it _will_ be fighting... ;)


	15. Trial 4 Practice Challenge Part 1

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

**Trial 4:** Weaponry/fighting

* * *

"Um, hey," said Martin. "Kel, are you feeling alright?"

"'Course I feel alright," replied the thin ferret, giving the abbey's first champion a look from behind his rectangular (I can never understand why people describe his glasses as "square"; squares and rectangles are completely different shapes!) glasses. "Why wouldn't I feel alright?"

"Um, well. . . ." Martin didn't quite know how to ask his question. Swartt took care of that, though.

"You downed that chock-o-lit so fast and yet yer not goin' all sugar-crazy; we just wondered."

Kelaiah turned his look on the older ferret. "It's pronouced _'chocolate',_ and if you think I'd go on a sugar-rush just by ONE gigantic chocolate bar, then _phffft!"_

Martin and Swartt stared at the skinny, bespecticled ferret. And they thought Arawolf Beechclaw consumed a ridiciously high amount of chocolate . . . well techincally, she still did, but she often went crazy after eating it.

But there was little time for those kind of thoughts as the contestants came out.

"Hey wait a minute, that's my WIFE!" shouted Swartt.

Kel gave the warlord a quizzical look. "You mean you never knew she was in this competition?!"

Swartt scratched his nose. "No, I just thought she was gettin' lazy with the meal-cookin' and the house-cleanin'; the place is a pigsty!"

"A pigsty for a pig!" a voice shouted from behind the door.

"HEY!" SHOUTED SWARTT.

"Veil!" rapped Kelaiah. "Go away!"

"Hmph!" replied the younger ferret as he obeyed his orders.

"Ahem," said Kel. "Anyway, let's begin. First of all, I would like to welcome back my readers to this competition-fic, and apologize for keeping them waiting for so long. My _sincerest_ apologies, people.

"Next, I would like to say, and I am _absolutely certain_ that I speak for my pal Rector when I say _ti tallbe orch."_

There was the smacking sound of a pair of orc-lips meeting the face of Rector the mouse, followed by a blood-curdling, lust-for-ferret-killing scream from said mouse.

Kelaiah doubled over in laughter, tears of mirth cascading down his face. The twelve contestants stood with looks of combined shock and amusement on their faces, as did Martin the Warrior and Swartt Sixclaw, who were each stting on either side of the laughing ferret, only their amusement didn't last into the next second as Rector came hurtling into the room, raising a multitude of weapons above his head, screaming for Kel's blood.

However, he only got within ten feet of where the ferret was sitting before he went flying backwards.

Shocked but somehow even more angered than ever, the mouse threw himself back at Kel--

And again was knocked backwards.

This time Rector suddenly realized that Kel had used one of his lazer's new features: a Force Field 5000.

_You just had to add that in, didn't you?!_ Rector's mind snapped at him.

If the mouse could've glared at his mind, he would have. _Hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time. . . ._

Kelaiah, finally getting his laughter under control (meaning that now only a few giggles escaped his lips every so often), whiped his eyes and stated, "Serves you all right for what happened the last time."

"Last time?!" shouted Rector indignantly.

"Hey, _you_ were the one who made Aelin turn that orc on me the first time, so I'm just returning the favor. Anyway, you all had in coming anyhow. And right now killing me shouldn't be your top priority right now."

"Oh yeah?!" demanded the irate mouse.

"Yeah, take a good look behind you."

Slowly, Rector turned around to see the orc that kissed him mere minutes ago.

"Yoo hoo," the orc cooed.

**_"AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!"_**

The mouse tore like heck out of there, screaming _"Hain u-'rogon! Hain u-'rogon!"_, the orc giving chase.

Kel once again relapsed into a fight of laughter, cackling in such a way it would've done the Wicked Witch of the West proud. Finally, however, he was brought to his senses when Swartt hit him over the head with his (fortunately un-gauntleted) paw.

"OW! What the-?! Oh right, the trial. Ahem, anyway, sorry girls, for that little scene. . . ."

The contestants had been standing there the whole time looking shellshocked, but managed to keep most of their composure (with a smile and a giggle here and there).

"But anyway," Kelaiah went on. "Welcome to Trial Four. First it was domestic power, then it was voice power, then it was brain power . . . and now its physical power. For this trial, you will all be engaged in combat."

There were some scattered cheers, but Dotti and Mariel practically roared their approval.

"And this is how it will go," Kelaiah continued. "First you will all be divided into pairs to fight each other as a practice round."

Dotti thought to herself, _Ooo, I hope I get paired up with Mariel and show her what's what, heeheehee!_

"Then you will all be on your own, fighting off a vermin attacker. Now don't worry, the vermin attackers aren't really _real,_ just products of fanfiction that can be created and destroyed and revived at a moments notice, so if any of you just so happen to kill them, then they can be revived."

Quite a few of the contestants breathed a sigh of relief at that.

"Now you all know the assistant judges: Martin the Warrior, the Redwall world's greatest warrior. . . ."

"Hello ladies," Martin said, smiling. "Hello Rose," he added dreamily.

Rose giggled and fluttered her eyelashes teasingly at her Martin.

"And the second assistant judge is Swartt Sixclaw, one of the very few warlords that wasn't afraid of a badger."

"That's right!" Swartt said loudly, pounding his fist on the table.

Bluefen rolled her eyes; Swartt noticed, but decided to ignore it.

"But let's get you all into pairs for the practice trial, shall we?" Kel went on, smiling.

"Dotti, you will be paired with Pasque. Just as Brocktree said, its best for a hare to fight a hare."

Dotti nodded at Pasque; she would've liked to have foughten Mariel, but oh well.

"Mariel, you will be paired with Rose."

Mariel nodded at her would-be opponent; she too would've preferred fighting Dotti, but oh well.

"Cornflower will be paired with Armel, Trimp with Mhera, Treerose with Fwirl, and Celandine with Bluefen. Right then. Let's go to the arena!"

* * *

**warrior4:** Sorry, man, but I couldn't resist. But don't worry, you'll have your revenge.

(Ferret-Kel gulps)


	16. Trial 4 Practice Challenge Part 2

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

An Roman-like arena had been built in some random part of Mossflower, an arena that would disappear as soon as it was no longer needed. Kelaiah sat with Martin and Swartt at the Judge's Table, which was settled near the top of the arena in fashion to how the Roman Emperor's would've had their seats.

The skinny ferret leaned forward a bit to speak into his lazer-turned-microphone.

"Good day, ladies and gentlebeasts, and welcome to the first ever Fighting Challenge of Redwall's Next Top Model!"

Suddenly the arena was filled with cheering beasts, all of whom were either canon or the fursona's of the reviewers.

"And now," Kelaiah roared over the cheering. "Our first fighting duo: Dott Dillworthy versus Pasque Valerian!"

The cheers were almost deafening as the two haremaids came out on either side of the arena. Pasque made a few demure, ladylike curtsies, but Dotti leapt about, bowing here, bowing there, calling out, "Thank you, everybeast! Thank you! Yes, thank you!"

"AHEM!" shouted Kelaiah. "Shall we proceed then? Alright, when the bell rings, three . . . two . . . one . . ."

_RING!_

All became silent as the two haremaids slowly circled one another. Each walked with careful, precise footsteps, sizing the other up. Both were relatively the same size, but each were different. Dotti had fought several battles where it was one against many, as well as taking on a male hare at least three times bigger than she was; Pasque had been in several skirmishes, and had been one of the very few to be able-bodied after one of the most brutal wars Mossflower had ever seen. It didn't occur to anybeast for awhile that they were all holding their breath, but then the haremaids came to a stop--

--and flew at each other, each firing off as many punches as they could while blocking the other's. Dotti managed to plant the first punch, going under Pasque's arm and landing her fist into her opponent's stomach.

Pasque staggered backwards, but took a side-swing at Dotti. She made her mark, and Dotti stumbled sideways, but she was soon sending a kick at Pasque. The healer-haremaid dropped to the ground, trying to kick upwards, but Dotti managed to jump up and avoid Pasque's attack. Pasque again shot out her leg, and this time caught Dotti, sending her down hard to the ground.

Dotti sent a fist at Pasque, who swiftly leapt back, giving Dotti time to regain her footing. For a moment, both haremaids let each other catch their breath. Then they charged each other, boxing and blocking and kicking and dodging, until finally Dotti floored Pasque, who yet again kicked out, hoping to catch Dotti again, but the other haremaid simply leapt over her opponent. Pasque quickly rolled over to avoid any attack from Dotti and jumped to her feet.

The healer-haremaid tried to land a kick in Dotti's stomach, but the other haremaid grabbed her opponent's footpaw in a tight grip. Pasque suddenly found herself twirled around in midair and slammed back into the ground, but she managed to trip Dotti up again, sending the other haremaid to the ground as well. Dotti and Pasque struggled to their feet, and made another charge, each kicking out--

--and both found their mark. Each haremaid kicked the other at the same time, and both went flying backwards.

The crowd screeched and cheered all the while, almost in a frenzie. Tammo, along with the other hares from "The Long Patrol" were shouting for Pasque, while Bucko, the twins Southpaw and Bobweave, and all the other hares from "Lord Brocktree" were in full throttle rooting for Dotti. Kelaiah was grinding his teeth as he watched the spectacle, and began munching on a chimichanga (Kel couldn't understand why people thought cheeseburgers were his favorite meal, he preferred chimichangas and chalupas and those little burritos Taco Bell sold for 89 cents). Even though they were both incredulous that Kel could eat at a time like this, the other two judges had completely different reactions to the proceedings: Martin was watching it all with a calm look, though Swartt was howling for each haremaid to finish the other off.

Pasque managed to regain her footing before Dotti; she took full advantage of the situation. She leapt on Dotti and got the other haremaid into a headlock. Dotti growled and screamed, and quickly (and sharply) elbowed Pasque in the stomach, just like how she did with Bucko Bigbones. Pasque gasped and loosened her hold on Dotti, who quickly slipped out of Pasque's grip and landed a backwards at her opponent.

Whirling around as Pasque stumbled backwards again, Dotti sent a sound punch at Pasque, but the other haremaid managed to just avoid it. Pasque stuck out her footpaw and tripped Dotti, but this time Dotti got a hold of Pasque's tunic and the two went down together. Hot, gasping and perspiring, the haremaids struggled for the upper paw, until finally Dotti landed a swift blow to Pasque's jaw.

Pasque slumped on the ground, and Dotti sat up.

For a while, all was silent. Then Kel, swallowing his mouthful of chimichanga, said into his microphone, "Miss Dorathea the winner."

All who had been rooting for Dotti screeched and roared, clapping and cheering, chanting, "DOTTI! DOTTI! DOTTI! DOTTI! DOTTI!"

Both haremaids were swiftly assisted out of the arena where they were to be put into the hare of some of the greatest healers in Redwall. All visitors would have to wait until the practice trial was over to congratulate or console the victor and the vanquished.

"Whew!" said Martin. "That was something, wasn't it?"

"It aint over yet," said Kel. "Oh, and Martin, maybe you should put this blindfold on. . . ."


	17. Trial 4 Practice Challenge Part 3

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

"It aint over yet," said Kel. "Oh, and Martin, maybe you should put this blindfold on. . . ."

Martin stared blankly at Kel. "Why would I want to put a blindfold on?"

"Just do it," the skinny ferret ordered, pushing the cloth closer to the warriormouse's face.

"No! Not until you tell me why I have to!"

Kelaiah sighed. "I didn't want to have to do this. Swartt, would you assist me?"

After much wrestling, punching, kicking, biting and scratching (and tazering), Martin the Warrior found himself not only blindfolded, but also gagged and tied firmly to his chair (which was cemented to the floor, courtesy of Kelaiah's lazer, in order to keep the warriormouse from hopping about).

"There!" Kel said (silently blessing Nonny for suggesting that Martin wear a blindfold when it was Rose's turn - no use in taking chances as Martin watched his true love in a fight) as he set a pair of corks into Martin's ears. "That should it. Thanks, Swartt."

"No problem," groaned Swartt as Nightshade and a few other healer vixens wrapped him up in bandages.

"Now then," Kel said, speaking now into his lazer-turned-mic. "Our next contestants are Mariel Gullwhacker and Laterose of Noonvale!"

Once again the crowds screeched and cheered as the two mousemaids came out from opposite ends of the arena. Dandin and Bowly had a wide sign that sported "Go Mariel!" while Brome and the Rosehip Players set up a chant for Rose.

After waving to the crowds, Mariel and Rose turned their attention to each other.

* * *

Like Pasque and Dotti before them, Mariel and Rose cautiously circled each other, sizing each other up. It was Mariel who made the first move, shooting her fist out.

Rose bent over backwards to avoid the punch, reaching upwards and grabbing Mariel's arm. Turning, Rose tried to flip Mariel over her head, but gull-whacking mousmaid managed to wrap her other arm around Rose's neck. Both mousemaids fell to the earth in an awkward heap, Rose struggling to free herself from Mariel's stranglehold. Mariel held doggedly on, but a sharp blow to the stomach from Rose's elbow forced her to release her opponent.

Rose jumped to her feet, Mariel scrambling after her. Rose tried to kick out at her opponent, but Mariel grabbed the other mousemaid's footpaw, causing Rose to fall back down. Mariel leapt onto Rose, rolling her over and pinning her arm to her back. Rose screamed in pain and brought her head back to bash into Mariel's. Once again Mariel's grip on Rose slackened and the other mousemaid struggled free.

This time, however, Mariel tripped Rose up. Rose, when Mariel charged again, shot out her fist and caught Mariel soundly in the muzzle.

_"Arrggg!"_ Mariel fell backwards, clutching her nose, but she was still able to see Rose charging. Sticking out her legs stiffly, she kicked Rose back from her.

Kelaiah winced; he was suddenly _very _grateful to Nonny for suggesting Martin be blindfolded.

Martin was still trying to free himself, but alas, his bonds were far too tight. He didn't understand _why _Kel had done this to him, but he certainly would've liked to bash the ferret's face in!

Swartt "ooed" and "ohhh" along with the crowds, who were either cheering or shouting abuse or eating popcorn.

The thought of popcorn made Kel hungry again and he ordered a popcorn bucket of his own, earning another look from Swartt.

Mariel jumped to her feet, one paw still clutching to her muzzle. Rose also regained her feet, though both mousemaids were none too steady. Had Mariel had her Gullwhacker with her, she probably would've won sooner, but she still had the experience of two wars and many small battles under her belt. Though if Rose had her sling handy, she probably would've won sooner as well, but as it was, both mousemaids were unarmed and forced to meet in paw-to-paw combat.

After catching their breath, the two mousemaids went back at it, trying desperately to overpower the other. Finally Mariel landed a blow to Rose's face that was too much for the other mousemaid. Rose fell to the ground, showing no signs of trying or wanting to get up. Defeated.

For a moment there was silence. Then all those who were rooting for Mariel as well as those who were indifferent roared and cheered while the Rose-fans groaned and yelled out that they still loved Rose.

Both Rose and Mariel were then taken to the healers, none of whom were Sister Cicely, by the way.

"Hmph!" said Sister Cicely.

As soon as Rose was out of sight, as well as all the Rose banners, Kelaiah untied Martin's blindfold and gag.

"What's the big idea?!" Martin shouted at Kel.

"Trust me," Kel replied. "You _don't_ want to know."


	18. Trial 4 Practice Challenge Part 4

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

"Why _don't_ I want to know?!" demanded Martin, struggling to free himself from his chair.

"Shh! Quiet! We need to get on with the other contestants!" Kel leaned forward to his mic and announced, "And now, ladies and gentlebeasts, please welcome Cornflower Fieldmouse and Sister Armel Macburl!"

The crowd cheered and screeched and _whoop whooped _as the fieldmouse and squirrelmaid came out from their opposite ends of the arena.

"Well can I at_ least_ be freed?" Martin snarled, jerking at the ropes holding him to his seat.

"Absolutely not," Kel replied as though it were the most ridiculous thing in the whole world (which in a sense, it was, as Kel didn't want Martin to sock him during the trials).

Matthias, Mattimeo, Basil, and the rest of Cornflower's friends and family held up a sign that said in flashing colors of blue and yellow: "GO CORNFLOWER!" Rakkety Tam, Doogy Plumm, Melanda, and the rest of Armel's friends also held up their own flashy sign that said "ARMEL ROCKS!"

Once again, after waving to the cheering audience, the two about-to-be-fighters faced each other and circled.

Aelin the ottermaid, munching on her popcorn shrimp, leaned sideways to her friend Rector the mouse (who had managed to evade the orc that had been chasing him and was now munching on regular popcorn) and muttered, "Is it procedure to circle around the arena before fighting?"

Rector shrugged. "Meh."

The squirrelmaid and mousemaid (or is it squirrelwife and mousewife, since they both got married and can't really be referred to as maids?) continued circling for a bit, each a bit more timorous about fighting than the previous duos. Both of them had been kidnapped and rescued before, as well as having fought in the defense against Redwall Abbey, although Cornflower had done it twice, whereas Armel had only done it once. Mostly everybeast was thinking that it would be Cornflower who would come out victorious, but one never knew!

Finally both Cornflower and Armel went at it, each grabbing the others shoulders as they tried to overpower their opponent. Each contestant groaned and pushed hard against the other, until finally they both fell to the ground. Both squirrel and mouse rolled over and over in the dirt while the crowd cheered them on.

By the time Cornflower and Armel separated and sprung back to their feet, Cornflower had lost her headscarf and Armel had a long tear in her apron, both dusty and scratched. The two then lunged at one another, Armel using her natural squirrel-springing abilities, but Cornflower simply stuck out both her fists.

_WHAM!_

Armel fell to the ground, clutching her muzzle. Cornflower didn't attack, knowing it'd be cowardly to attack her opponent while she was down. Instead she simply waited for Armel to get back to her feet.

Melanda was screaming for her mom to get back up; Matti was screaming for his mom that she rocked; Matthias and Rakkety Tam were howling about their wives safety; the crowd was roaring and cheering; Rector had grown a bit tired of his ordinary popcorn and began sneaking some of Aelin's shrimp popcorn, oblivious to the fact that Aelin was sneaking some of his own popcorn; Martin was still tied to his chair, struggling to get free; Swartt was grinning like mad, yelling for the squirrel- and mousewife to finish the other off; and Kel was busily munching on his own box of popcorn shrimp (having grown envious of Aelin's better thinking concerning snacks).

Finally Armel picked herself up, having regained her senses a bit and realizing that her nose was not bleeding. She again lunged at Cornflower, this time with more care, lest she be struck down again. Cornflower hadn't suspected her opponent to make such a quick recovery, and soon found herself pinned to the ground. However, the mousewife managed to shove Armel around so that she was now pinning the squirrel down. This went on for quite awhile.

Finally Swartt checked his watch (courtesy of fanfiction), complaining to Kelaiah, "They've been doing that for a full _fifteen_ _minutes!_ When are they gonna stop?!"

Just then Armel collapsed on the ground, breathless, unwilling to get back up. Cornflower was also down, but her paws were still holding her up, making her the victor.

"Now," Kel replied to Swartt, who went "Hmph!"

The mousewife and squirrelwife were ushered to the healer's ward where they were to be taken good care of while the rest of the duo's duked it out. Matthias, Mattimeo, Basil and the rest all cheered for Cornflower, while Rakkety Tam, Melanda, Doogy, and the rest 'booed' and cheered for Armel.

"Just three more practice fights," Kelaiah said as he wiped his paws on a napkin. "Then we can go into the _serious_ fighting!"


	19. Trial 4 Practice Challenge Part 5

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

"Alright then," shouted Kelaiah into his lazer-turned-mic (or 'lazer-mic' for short) over the cheering and booing of the crowd. "Let's give it up for our next fighting duo, Abbess Mhera and Trimp the Rover!"

Indeed the crowd did "give it up" for the abbess and roving hedgehog. Mhera was a bit apprehensive about fighting Trimp, though. The hedgehog was already at an advantage with her spines, and the last thing Mhera wanted to do was leap onto Trimp, only to leap back screaming "AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHH!" and flailing her paws about like an idiot. The idea made her grimace.

Trimp saw the grimace and grinned; she too knew she was at an advantage with her spines. However, she doubted Kel would let her win just because she rolled up into a ball and did nothing, so she knew she'd have to keep herself open to Mhera. And the thought of being whacked in the face or stomach by Mhera's rudder was not a pleasant thought.

Like all the others before them, Trimp and Mhera circled each other (by now the audience had accepted that it was procedure to do so), figuring out where was the best place to hit their opponent. Mhera knew she'd have a much harder time at that, knowing that there weren't very many available places on Trimp to hit.

"Too bad you're not a hedgehog," Trimp said. "Or else I'd spine-tussle you!"

Mhera blinked. Somehow, that brought to memory something . . . something that . . . that she had hear of long ago . . . something her brother Deyna had told her about. . . .

Grinning suddenly, Abbess Mhera placed her paw to her forehead, sticking out her claws in imatation to how her brother the former Taggerung wrestled a hedgehog.

"How's this for spines, Trimp?" Mhera inquired innocently. In the stands Deyna and Nimbalo cheered and clapped and roared with laughter.

Slightly taken aback, Trimp nevertheless bent her forehead to meet Mhera's claws with her quills.

The audience cheered and roared and screeched and did just about everything in the thesaruous concerning the word as the ottermaid and hedgehogmaid pushed and pulled and shoved and jerked and swayed around the arena, trying to throw the other off balance. Mhera was holding tight, but her paws weren't as rough as Deyna's, the quills still hurt a bit. Nevertheless she hung on doggedly (heh, "doggedly", "waterdog", ha ha? Okay, that one was really stupid, I don't know _why _I pointed that one out), while Trimp was a bit impressed by Mhera's determination. But Trimp was very determined herself, and suddenly realized something about their current position: while Mhera's claws were in Trimp's forehead-quills, her arm was up, exposing her armpit.

Trimp wondered if it would be ethical, but then again, this _was_ a competition, wasn't it?

And so the hedgehog reached forward with her free paw and ticked the ottermaid, who giggled in surprise and squealed in pain as she knicked her paw on Trimp's quills. Mhera jerked herself away and swung her rudder hard into Trimp's side, winding the hogmaid.

Panting, Mhera rubbed her armpit as she watched Trimp gasp on the ground. "Good try, hedgehog," the abbess of Redwall smiled.

Despite being floored, Trimp managed a smile of good sportsmanship- er, sportsbeastship? Ah, who cares?

"Surprisingly," said Dandin, "I don't care either."

Nonny, who was sitting next to Dandin and eating skittles (she thought popcorn was so cliche) stared wide-eyed at the male mouse, saying, "Whoah, now that's a first."

"I wonder why the author always makes it so that Dandin is a grammar-freak," commented Saxtus. "Really, _I'm_ the scholarly one."

"Meh," said Nonny, and helped herself to more skittles.

Skittles the hedgehog baby from "Lord Brocktree" was staring at the package in her paw. "Mama, they've named a candy after me!"

"Oh now don't you be goin' bein' silly now," his mother replied sharply as she firmly set Skittles in her lap.

"Hmph!" said Skittles. Brocktree chuckled.

Finally Trimp managed to regain her feet, saying, "Look, let's try again, only this I won't tickle you. I promise!"

Mhera nodded, and once again the two went at it. Trimp, true to her word, kept the arm facing Mhera's exposed armpit behind her back. Their free arms, however, locked in a wrestle, and the two were soon wildly swaying back and forth all over the arena, pushing, pulling, growling and shouting.

Kel, munching on the extra popcorn shrimp and cookie supplied to him by the lovely (in a totally non-Sue-ish way) Kalyn Wordsmith, watched it all in fascination, as did Swartt and Martin (who finally just gave up on trying to break free and settled for simply sitting and watching).

Then, just when the action reached its climax, Trimp gave one final fling on the head and Mhera fell down to the dirt, defeated.

For a moment there was a bit of shocked silence. Then a tumult of cheering went up, everybeast laughing and clapping for Trimp, who had finally won a challenge (albeit a practice challenge)!

Trimp grinned and helped Mhera back up as they were herded towards the healer's ward.

Mhera smiled at her no-longer-opponent. "Good game," she said, and she meant the following: "After me winning over you at the singing challenge, I'd say you deserve it."


	20. Trial 4 Practice Challenge Part 6

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

"Y'know somethin' Kel, I was wonderin'," said Swartt Sixclaw, rubbing his chin with his unmailed paw.

"Yeah?" replied the younger, skinnier (and in his opinion _cuter_) ferret.

"When you sent that orc on Rector five chapters ago, why did you do it then? Why not sooner or in another fic?"

"Well," Kelaiah explained, leaning back in his chair. "I knew that it had been a _real loooong _time since I updated this fic, so I decided, why not bring it back with a bang?"

Swartt started at the bespectacled ferret for a moment before saying, "Yeah that makes sense."

* * *

Meanwhile, down in the stands, Rector the mouse was busily formulating a devious plan. . . .

* * *

"Alright, ladies and gentlebeasts," Kel said into his lazer-mic. "Before our next fighting duo, I would like to announce the title of Brian Jacques' _twenty-first_ novel: 'The Sable Quean'!"

There was _quite_ a bit of roaring and cheering and screaming and yelling and clapping and stomping in the stands.

Kelaiah went on with announcement, grinning broadly. "I found out about it on Redwall Wiki, thanks to the link given by the lovely Scyphi (thanks mate!). According to Wiki, it is scheduled for publication autumn 2009. David Elliot will _not_ be illustrating this project.

"Mr. Jacques explained that a 'quean', not 'queen' by the way, is an old English term for a 'wicked lady'. Also, it said that a 'sable' is a species of a dark-colored pine marten, so I think its safe to assume that the next book's villain is going to be a villainess, and that she's going to be a type of pine marten."

**_"YES!" _**shouted Emperor Ublaz Mad-Eyes. "FINALLY! Another pine marten, and its a _female!_ I can have a girlfriend now!"

Atunra, the female pine marten from "High Rhulain", who was sitting next to Ublaz, sniffed audibly.

"Anyway," Kelaiah continued after the cheering had died down. "Nothing else is known for now, and we have to wait a whole year for it to come around, so for now, let us watch the fight between two very lovely squirrelwives, Treerose and Fwirl!"

There were more cheers as the two squirrelwives came out. Kenzie Farsight raised one fist in the air as she cheered along with the others, although quite a bit of taco was flying from her mouth as she did so. Fortuantely for Kalyn, who was sitting in front of Kenzie, the squirrel had an umbrella over her, courtesy of Kelaiah, who wanted to thank Kalyn for the Jolly Ranchers (even though he didn't particularly care for them, but he liked the grape ones!). So Kalyn was able to eat her ever-full bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Clusters without being showered by taco bits.

If the reader guessed that Treerose and Fwirl circled each other before fighting, they were right on the mark. The two pretty squirrels cautiously sized the other up while their fat husbands (their husbands were Oak Tom and Broggle, after all) cheered them on, calling out advice and encouragement.

Finally the two went at it, screaming and squirrel and scratching, bouncing off the walls in a squirrely race. Treerose proved herself to be a swift and agile squirrel, but Fwirl, well, we all know how good _she_ is.

Interestingly enough, the fight between the two squirrels was probably the fastest one so far. It was hard to really see what was going on. Mostly what the audience could see were two red blurs, and it was only because Fwirl was red-gold in color that it was easy to distinguish between the two.

Aelin, who was getting a bit bored since she couldn't see what was going on, pulled out some floss to get the kernels out of her teeth. Kalyn, on the other paw, continued to yell and scream advice; apparently squirrels could track of each other better.

Finally, in the end, Fwirl's superior speed won over Treerose. It was hard to see just how Fwirl won, but they all knew that once the dust settled, Treerose was on the ground and Fwirl was still standing. Exhausted and swaying, but still standing.

"Alright then," Kelaiah said into his lazer-mic over the howling of Oak Tom and Broggle as the two squirrelwives were whisked off to the healers. "Next is our last Practice Challenge, and after that is the _real_ challenge!"


	21. Trial 4 Practice Challenge Part 7

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

Kelaiah (the author, not the ferret) was at this moment very irate with the new system of how one's fanfic account worked. He liked the old way much better, for it was simpler and easier to figure out. But fortunately he had figured out how to get to his documents, which should relieve some of the readers.

* * *

Celandine the beautiful albeit frivolous squirrelmaid sat before the comment-camera.

"When they first paired me with Bluefen, I couldn't help thinking, 'Why am I being paired with _Bluefen? _I mean, I'm no Trisscar Swordmaid, but she's not a fighter, she's not aggressive in any way, she's just little timid ferret that barely ever talks!' Of course, like I said, I'm no warrior, but I've had my shares of battles.

"I've gone on a lot of adventures with the other Rambling Rosehip Players, from tricking toads in marshes to fighting in the battle of Marshank, and throughout it all I've lived to tell the tale!

"But then again, considering all the other choices, I suppose its best that I'm the one who has fight Bluefen. I feel pretty bad about it, because so far Bluefen is pretty much the baby of the group. She's so shy and timorous, and yet she's so sweet, its like being forced to fight a Dibbun! Well, being forced to fight a Dibbun with sharp teeth and claws, that is."

* * *

"Now then, ladies and gentlebeasts," Kelaiah spoke into his lazer-mic. "For our last fighting duo of the Practice Challenge, Bluefen Sixclaw and Celandine of the Rambling Rosehip Players!"

Now before there had been differences with some of the fighting duos in how they responded to the cheers and roars of the crowds. But none of them were as different as Bluefen and Celandine.

The two were polar opposites of one another: Celandine was, if possible, even more dramatic with bowing and blowing kisses to the audience than Dotti had been. As for Bluefen, the poor ferretwife looked mightily overwhelmed by the great big arena and all the noise. Celandine was practically floating and gliding across the arena, flouncing hither and thither, bowing gracefully and blowing kisses. Bluefen couldn't have been more awkward, she seemed afraid to even make eye contact with the audience.

The Rambling Rosehip Players and Felldoh naturally set up a chant for Celandine's benefit, whereas Veil Sixclaw held up a gigantic banner bearing his mother's name, screaming at the top of his lungs: "MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM! MOM!"

Next to Kel, Swartt called down to his wife, "Don't do anything stupid! Make me look good, eh?"

Kel slapped Swartt upside the head.

"OW! Why you-!" objected Swartt, except Kel had already shoved his lazer into the warlord's face threateningly. The older ferret grunted and turned his attention back to his wife.

Nonny was still going strong in her weird cheer: "Go Bluefen! w00t! w00t! Go Bluefen! w00t! w00t! Go Bluefen! w00t w00t!"

Rector, aside from plotting more devious plans, had been snacking on Mt. Dew, chewy chips ahoy chocolate chip cookies, and spicy nacho Doritos, but for now he put all those aside to cheer for the final fighting duo. Then out of the tail of his eye he saw something large, black, and slimy. "AUGH!" He ran off full-speed.

It was actually quite a while before Celandine grew tired of bowing and blowing kisses and remembered that she still had to fight Bluefen. But when the squirrelmaid looked at the ferret, she felt worse than ever. Poor Bluefen looked ready to faint, both of her arms crossed awkwardly, her posture drenched with insecurity.

"Don't worry," Celandine called to Bluefen. "I'll go easy on you."

The ferret looked slightly heartened by this, and Celandine went into a fighting stance that she often assumed when she was playing the part of a brave young heroine in one of Rambling Rosehip Player's plays.

Then something strange happened.

* * *

Bluefen, who had been standing with a limp stiffness, suddenly became alive with fearsome snarls.

All watching eyes popped out of their sockets as the normally quiet and shy ferretmaid showed off her fangs and claws, roaring for blood.

As for Celandine, well, she was a bit freaked out by this, and did what any sane beast would've done: turned around and ran as fast as she could in the opposite direction.

Only to be doggedly pursued by Bluefen, who tackled Celandine to the ground and dragged her by the tail back into the ring.

* * *

By the time it was all over, Bluefen was on the verge of tears, apologizing profusely to Celandine, who was being bandaged up quite a lot by the healers.

Kelaiah had been staring wide-eyed in front of him. "Whoah," he breathed.

Swartt snorted. "You think _that_ was crazy? You should 'er when she's alone with me," he said darkly. He then muttered to himself, "And people think _I'm_ the abusive one!"

Kel had little time to comment on this, simply because he had to yell for security to separate a two brawling females in the stands: Kenzie was smacking Kalyn in the face with her tail while the squirrel was strangling her; Kalyn had found out that Kenzie had given her a new name: Kalyn Silverfur Sea-Eyes Starlightblade, the Daughter of Ethereal Tempests.

"Kalyn, stop that!" Kel called from his seat. "Stop it right now! Stoppit! Ugh, where is that security?!"

Kel turned around to get the security-

-only to find Rector's eyes blazing into his, the mouse's orbs burning with vengeance.

Before Kel could react, however, the mouse leaped to the side, and the orc that had been chasing him flew straight into Kelaiah, and once again the inevitable happened.

Unfortunately for the orc, Kel had been holding his lazer out. Ah, the poor orc. It never had a chance.

As for Kel, the poor ferret stumbled to the nearest bathroom where he would stay for twelve hours at least, reenacting that one Thanksgiving where all the food he ate over the past few days came right back up.

Rector grinned; revenge was his. Heeheehee!


	22. After Practice

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

The arena was in wild disarray: the Badger Security had arrived too late to prevent Kalyn the squirrel from bringing out her light-saber and trying to hack off Kenzie's head. The poor female rat was already being beaten on by another squirrel, too, Bretta, who had been created by the same author as Kenzie.

Millfoil, a squirrel, was also screaming her head off what an airhead Celandine was, Aelin was trying to coax Kalyn off of Kenzie (while not being hacked to pieces by the squirrel's ligthsaber in the process), and Rector was busily laughing like an evil scientist.

Kenzie, however, was enraged at the Sue-name given to her by Kalyn: Kenzie Glassyeyes Adderstar Evanescentjewel Maika'i Wahine Silverlightthatstreamsfromthestarsintheheavens, Child of the Lightbearers, and that spurned her on to fight back at Kalyn and Bretta. She wrenched Aelin's own light-saber out of the otter's paws (_"HEY!" _protested the irate otter) and fought back at her squirrely attackers.

All of the audience screamed and raced to get out of the way, except for one lone ottermaid, Anela Shadowsong, who was sitting back with her footpaws on the seat in front of her, a bowl of shrimp and a shaker full of hotroot pepper in her lap, and Kris, a male squirrel with dark brown fur (and an "emo-ish head") with a jar of blueberry jelly beans and a package of double stuff oreos.

The otter, according to her author, was easily distracted by any type of food, so she failed to notice the awesome fight coming her way as she spooned the lovely, tender, spicy shrimp into her mouth. Fortunately, the battle passed right over her (courtesy of the author as well as fanfiction), leaving her unscathed and with still plenty of shrimp and hootroot pepper left.

The squirrel, who was adjusting the hood of his navy vest and his puka ("puha", maybe? Awsomewriter123 didn't know how to spell it, and I don't know how to spell it either) shell necklace, was also easily distracted. Balancing his blueberry jelly beans and oreos in his lap, Kris pointed out, "Bluefen wasn't very nice to Celandine, was she?" However, like many fursonas on fanfiction, he became quite hyper after consuming all that sweet stuff, so when the battle of Kalyn, Kenzie, Bretta, and Aelin came his way, Kris found himself right in the thick of it.

Through it all, Martin the Warrior remained tied up in his seat, unable to do anything at all. He glared at the empty seat where the other two judges had previously sat, but both of the ferrets had disappeared. Kel was busily upchucking all the snacks he had eaten over the past few days, just like how his human alter ego had done on a particular Thanksgiving he would never forget. As for Swartt, the older ferret was quietly tapping on the bathroom door, calling out, "Hey, Kel? You okay in there? You need any help?"

_"I_ could use some help!" snapped Martin. "Untie me!"

"Nope," replied the six-clawed ferret. "I like to see woodlanders like you suffer like that."

"Grrrrrr!" was the only reply Martin could think of at the moment.

* * *

Meanwhile, down in the healer's ward, Rose was wondering aloud, "I wonder why Martin was tied up like that, all blindfolded and everything."

"Well I suppose its because Kel was worried about what Martin would think seeing you fight like that," said Mhera. "Plus you were defeated, so I guess Kel had Mariel's best interests in mind."

Just then a tall, skinny male fox wearing rectangular glasses came in.

"Good evening, ladies," he said, flashing a smile that he obviously thought was charming. "I have come to inform you that Kelaiah won't be able to judge your next challenge until the day after tomorrow, so you're all on holiday for awhile, okay?"

"Why? What's wrong?" asked Armel.

"He's not sick, is he?" asked Trimp.

"Great guesswork, missy!" the fox said, turning his smile on the hogmaid. "He _is _sick. At this very moment, all the food Kel ate over the past few days is coming right back up-"

"_Okay!"_ shouted Mariel. "We don't need to know the details!"

"Fine. I was just sent to tell everybeast that. Hmph." And with that, the fox left.


	23. Trial 4 the REAL deal

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

The arena was gone. In its place was a clearing were the _real _fighting would be going on. Had anybeast stood in the clearing, they would've been completely unaware of the whole audience of beasts watching them.

However, none of the contestants knew this at the moment, for they were all in the Infirmary of Redwall Abbey, gathered around Bluefen Sixclaw. Even Celandine, who had fortunately made a full recovery (and had told the commentary camera that she would never again underestimate her opponent) sat near the ferret (though not nearly as close as the others).

"Where'd you learn to fight like that?" Mariel asked Bluefen admiringly.

The ferret shrugged. "When you grow up in a vermin horde, you have to act like that if you want to survive." Suddenly Bluefen smiled. "It helps when you're the wife of a warlord."

Mariel had also stated to the commentary camera that she was "real proud" of Bluefen, for the way she handled herself during the practice fight. The other contestants were also amazed (and even a little scared) by the sudden change in Bluefen, even if the ferret that sat with them now was just the same old shy Bluefen.

Just then Kel walked in, looking very dishelved, saying, "Okay ladies, we're ready for the real fights. Ugh, I hope we don't have another brawl like again. . . ."

"Why, what happened?" asked Treerose.

"Trust me, dear, you _don't_ want to know."

* * *

"Now then," Kelaiah explained just before the real Fighting Challenge started. "Remember what I explained about the vermin you'll be fighting in this challenge. They're not real, per-say, more like just . . . _props._ They can be brought back to life if you kill them intentionally or not.

"Those of you who did well in the Practice Challenges really haven't much to worry about, whereas those of you who lost, you need to do well in these challenges in order not to be placed last on the voter's list, okay?

Now, let's get started!"

* * *

During the last few chapters, the author did each contestant separately, but he was getting a bit tired of this challenge, and he wanted to get it over with, so he decided to have it all in this single chapter.

This time the contestants were allowed weapons, and the weapons could be of their choice, because Kelaiah decided to be generous.

* * *

Mariel strode out into the clearing, swinging her beloved gullwhacker as she scanned the area, waiting for the attack.

"Well, well, wot 'ave we 'ere?"

The mousemaid whirled, banging her gullwhacker straight into the muzzle of an ugly searat.

_"Aarrrggg!"_the rat screamed, falling to the ground, his eyes watering and his nose bleeding. "Yew little scum! Ye'll pay fer that! Get 'er, mates!"

All around Mariel searats appeared from the foliage and surrounded her, each of them bearing a cutlass or rusty knife.

"Heh heh heh, I'm gonna enjoy this," one of the rats drawled, leering at the mousemaid. He was the first to meet her gullwhacker. He fell in a solid heap as his mates charged, roaring bloodthirsty war-cries.

_Whack! Thwick! Thod! Bam! Wham! Kick-punch kwa-BOOM!_

Within a surprisingly short amount of time, Mariel stood in the middle of a pile of groaning searats, smiling grimly at her fallen attackers.

"That felt good," the mousemaid commented airily as she purposely trod on one of the rats as she walked out of the clearing.

* * *

Mhera had armed herself a solid staff, not being well-trained in weaponry like her other comrades. She walked out into the now-empty clearing, looking every which way for an attack, though she was certain it'd come from behind like how it did with Mariel.

However, she was wrong. The attack came from right in front: a male fox bearing numerous tattoos sprung out of the nearby foliage and tackled her. Mhera screamed in surprise and tried to bring her staff up to strike her attacker, but the fox already had a good grip on her, rendering her staff useless.

The two rolled around for awhile, Mhera trying desperately to throw the fox off, when finally she gained the upper paw in swinging her rudder around to hit the fox in the back. It had been painful to stretch her tail like that, but it did the trick. The fox yelled in pain, loosening his grip on her. Mhera wasted no time; she jerked loose and brought her staff crashing across the fox's head.

The fox fell to the ground, clutching at where Mhera hit him. The ottermaid took another good swing, getting the fox in his side, winding him.

After a few more well-placed hits, the fox gasped, "No more! Stop, please! Mercy! Mercy!"

The abbess of Redwall relented, leaning a little on her staff, breathing deeply. "Go, leave Mossflower Woods forever!"

The fox obeyed, too hurt to try to attack again.

Mhera gave a nod and made her way out of the clearing.

* * *

Treerose had trouble picking what kind of weapon to take with her. She was no trained fighter, and she knew she'd be able to use her climbing skills to defeat the vermin. Finally she decided on a pouch of rocks and pine cones, and entered into the clearing.

Like Mariel, Treerose was beset upon by a group of searats, but within a red blur the squirrelwife was up in a tree hailing down pine cones and rocks at them.

"Arrg! Hey, what the-?!" the vermin shouted, covering their heads.

Some of the rats fell senseless on the ground when rocks hit them in the head (strange for a seavermin to get hurt when they're hit in the head, isn't it?), while other screeched in pain as pine cones hit them in the eye.

Treerose also found some other pine cones in the trees she was hiding in, and used them to resupply herself. Finally the rats couldn't take it any more and took off, leaving their fallen comrades behind.

Jumping down from one of the trees, the squirrelwife dusted her paws and went back to where she came from.

* * *

Fwirl decided to follow Treerose's example; it was, after all, how Fwirl had distracted Vallug Bowbeast and Eefera when they had rescued the Dibbuns, hadn't they?

There wasn't much difference between the methods of both Fwirl and Treerose (but then again, we're not judging them on how unique they are in their attacks, are we?), except that Fwirl was faster than Treerose, had slightly better aim, and when all but one of the vermin attacking her had fallen (the vermin consisted of weasels and stoats as well as rats), the remaining weasel floundered about the clearing, shouting,

"Where are you? Where are you, squirrely?! Come out, come out, whereever you arrre, you little Mary-Sue-!"

Suddenly Fwirl dropped solidly down onto the weasel's head. The poor vermin could only stare dazed into the squirrelwife's angry eyes.

"Listen here, weasel. I'm no Mary-Sue, and I'll tell you why: I barely have any part in the book that I'm in, I'm unconscious during some very important parts in the story, I am _not _the next Champion of Redwall, I do _not_ angst pointlessly about my past life but rather get on with things, and I realistically can't read at first, having never been given a day of schooling before I came to the abbey, and finally, I do _not _lust after some squirrel-hunk, I ended up with Broggle, whom I love very very much! Hmph!"

And with that, the irate squirrel stepped over the weasel and out of the clearing.

* * *

Armel was quite a bit different from the previous two squirrelwives, though. Even though she too flew up into the trees, she only barely made it, not being as fast nor as athletic as Treerose and Fwirl. And when she tried to throw her rocks and pine cones, she hardly ever found her mark. Soon the two stoats and fox attacking her began to climb up after her, all of them with lethal-looking blades between their teeth.k

Armel squeaked in fright and took to flying from tree to tree, thinking she could tire her enemies out. She almost did, too, but at one time she landed on a branch that was too frail to hold her up, and within seconds Armel found herself lying half-winded on the ground, with some of her attackers standing over her.

The squirrelwife felt as though her heart would stop beating as the fox standing over her raised his knife and--

_"Cut!"_

_"Don't 'cut'!" _shouted Armel, flinging an arm over her head. When nothing happened, she slowly lowered her arm to see that the vermin had disappeared. The only "vermin" she could was Kelaiah, who helped her up.

"Sorry, forgot to mention," the ferret explained as he set Armel on her feet. "The vermin you'll be fighting can't kill you, so if you're defeated, they disappear."

"Right," Armel murmured, but she barely knew what she was saying. She couldn't help but hear the word "defeated" ringing in her ears as she was led off from the clearing. . . .

* * *

Cornflower headed off to the clearing, a frying pan clenched in her paws. It was a good, solid, black iron frying pan, and the fact that Cornflower wielded it so easily showed how strong she really was.

The fieldmouse looked this way and that, trying to locate any sign of an attack, but like with all the rest, there would be no sign until the vermin decided to show themselves.

Cornflower didn't know why she did it in the first place, but she whirled around, sticking out the frying pan and _BAM! _hit a rat that had been sneaking up on her. Perhaps it had been mere coincidence, or Cornflower had some "warrior instinct", but whatever it was, it certainly saved her.

The rat fell backwards, groaning in pain, while more rats came out from the foliage, two on either side of her, one behind her. There weren't as many as there had been with Mariel, but even then it wasn't a treat to be surrounded by vermin. Cornflower, fearful though she was, gripped the pan all the tighter and went to work, striking out at the rats, aiming for their heads and stomachs, careful not to let any of them sneak up behind her.

Eventually Cornflower left standing after she felled the four rats, all of whom were either groaning or lying still. Swinging her frying pan, the fieldmouse trotted out of the clearing. "Never underestimate the power of a frying pan."

* * *

Rose's choice of weapon was her sling, and she kept it armed and ready as she strode out into the clearing. She was met by a group of seavermin, weasels and rats and the like.

"Huh huh huh, what'd we got 'ere?" said an idiot-looking weasel, leering at the mousemaid.

"Whadda purty mouseymaid," said a short rat, but he ended up finishing his sentence with, "Eee-_aaarrrrrgggghhhh!!"_ as a well-aimed stone from Rose's sling caught him in the eye.

As the rat danced around, the seavermin charged, waving their cutlasses. Rose, having already quickly put another rock in her sling, let another one fly before taking cover among the trees. The second stone took out a fox, who tripped some of the other vermin as he fell. One of the vermin fell on his own cutlass, killing himself, thus lessening the number of vermin Rose had to take out.

The seavermin, ignoring their fallen comrades, stalked towards the bushes were Rose had taken refuge, but then suddenly, a loud, ear-splitting screech rent the air.

The vermin yelped and covered their ears, thus dropping their weapons. Rose lost no time; she jumped up, throwing another stone that took down a weasel, and leapt behind another bush. The vermin were mightily confused about the eagle-like screech, and were very worried that such a bird might be nearby.

Rose saw the fear on their faces, and so sounded another scream, only this time disguising her voice and saying, "Fly, you foul vermin! Before the great Bullabillow will get you! Bullabillow! Bullabillow! _Bullabillow!"_

The vermin were frightened out of their wits. They turned and ran as fast as they could, some of them dropping their weapons in the process. When they were gone, Rose stepped out from her hiding spot, snickering and heading back towards where she came.

* * *

Dotti had been slightly impatient for her turn, and was now quite glad to be out in the clearing, swinging her own sling and humming a bit of war song to herself.

She didn't have to wait long for a large-ish group of vermin to come out and surround her. Dotti wasn't scared, though. This was old school to her.

"Good day, me good vermin. And what can I do for you?" the haremaid asked them all politely, smiling charmingly.

"Yew c'n stay still while we's cuts yew's up," the leader of the vermin band cackled, coming near with a rusty cutlass.

Dotti shook her head at the weasel, still smiling. "Oh dearie me, no, that won't do at all. It won't do at _all."_

And with that, the haremaid moved like lightning up to the weasel and dealt him a severe kick to the stomach, landing her still-loaded sling into his face.

The weasel staggered back, spitting out a few teeth, while gasping out, "Charge 'er! Charge 'er!"

Having learned from experience, Dotti knew not to let her back be exposed in such a large group. She leapt high over the vermin's head, getting her back to a large sturdy oak while lashing out with sling and foot alike, bringing down one vermin after another.

Finally, only three vermin stood left, two female stoats and the weasel-leader. Dotti decided now was an alright time to expose her back. She sped at one of the females, punching her solidly in the face while at the same time kicking the other female in the stomach. Both stoats fell to the ground with an _"Oof!"_

Dotti know found herself facing the near-toothless weasel, who stood wide-eyed and trembling before her. Suddenly with a snarl he drew a dagger and flung himself at her, but the haremaid was out of his way in a blur, bringing her sling down on the back of his head.

Heaving in deep gulps of air, Dotti looked around at all the fallen vermin, and said, "Now let _that_be a lesson to all of you." Then turning on her heel, the haremaid set off to where she came from.

* * *

Trimp, like Mhera, had chosen a staff as her weapon, as she had the most experience with it.

Also like Mhera, she only had to fight off one opponent, a large fox, who, when she swung her staff at him, he simply grabbed her weapon and wrestled it away from her.

Trimp was slightly panicked, but did what any sensible hedgehog would do in this situation: she curled up into a ball and hurled herself at the fox, who gave a high-pitched yelp as several of her quills sunk into his flesh.

"OW!" the fox yelled, hopping about like mad. "OW! OW! Owie owieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowieowie!"

Finally Trimp simply recovered her staff, tripped the fox up with it and placed one end of the staff firmly on his chest. "Surrender, fox!" she growled.

_"Okay okay!"_the fox whimpered. "Just get these quills outta me! Waaah!"

The fox then ran off, and Trimp went back to where she came.

* * *

Pasque had also chosen a sling, and like her comrades kept it loaded and ready when the vermin came out.

Being a well-trained Long Patrol officer, Pasque's battle didn't take very long. She fought very much like how Dotti did, placing her back against a tree while firing off stones and kicks and punches at her attackers, all of whom fell before her.

When she was finally done, the haremaid wiped her forehead, breathing deeply and said, "Oh dear, if Tammo ever saw me. . . ."

Pasque then turned and went back to where she started.

* * *

Bluefen had a lot of common sense, keeping out of her father's and Swartt's way (she had to fend for herself a lot growing up), and she had also survived the crow attack, so the ferret knew how to hold her own. In fact, she had been through quite a lot, and the only thing that stopped her was childbearing, and childbearing is no joke.

She chose a small dagger which she kept hidden in her sleeve as she walked out into the clearing, glancing nervously this way and that. She knew she'd never last against a whole group of attackers, but hopefully she'd only get just one attacker like Mhera and Trimp.

The ferretwife's wishes were granted as only one male ferret stepped out in front of her, leering most unpleasantly.

"Well, wot 'ave we got 'ere? A pretty maid all fer me!" he said, stepping much too close.

"St-stay away!" Bluefen stammered, trying to back away, but the male already had his arms around her-

_"Augh!"_

Bluefen had slipped her dagger from her sleeve and buried it deep into his stomach.

"I told you to stay away," the ferretwife growled, glaring into the dying male ferret's face.

As he still had his arms around her, the male brought Bluefen down with him as he fell, but she remained on top, and pulled herself free, yanking her blade from his body. With one final shudder, the male ferret's bleeding body became still.

Breathing harshly, Bluefen almost stumbled back to her starting point, relieved that it was over with, and that she hadn't been vanquished!

* * *

Celandine knew she had to do well in this trial if she wanted to not lose (she knew she had no chance of winning it, but at least she could not lose it!), so she chose a small dagger like Bluefen, and walked out into the clearing with the air of star-actress about to appear on stage.

When Celandine's attacker, a burly male rat, came out, the squirrelmaid did not run nor cower (even though on the inside she was rather frightened), but rather stated theatrically, "Begone, foul vermin! Begone whilest thou possesseth thy own life! Do not dare hinder me, for I, _I,_ am _Celandine, _famous warriormaid of all the northlands!"

The big rat stared blankly at her, and the fact that he didn't laugh or leer somehow encouraged the squirrel.

"Stay back, I say! Stay back!" Celandine went on, and one had to admit, she was giving a good performance: she hid her fear very well, she seemed every bit as brave and tough as the other contestants, if a little dramatic. "You will never defeat me, so do yourself a favor and run away now!"

The rat, though unnerved by the squirrelmaid's . . . _performance_, suddenly jumped forward, waving his cutlass and yelling a war-cry.

Celandine, startled, shrieked and dodged, throwing a pawful of dust into his face. The rat stumbled back, coughing and rubbing at his eyes with one paw while the other still swung his cutlass about wildly.

Celandine watched this spectacle for awhile before drawing her dagger and, as though she were in a play, disarmed the rat and held the cutlass to his throat.

"Do you surrender, sir rat?" the squirrelmaid asked, keeping a firm grip on the sword.

"Yes, yes!" the rat groaned as he continued to rub his eyes. "Just get me some water!"

Just then a bowl of water appeared out of nowhere on the ground. Celandine picked it up and handed it to the rat before heading back to where she came from.

* * *

There! Now the voting can start again! The reader should know how to vote by now:

Number each of the contestants in the order of how well you think they did (1 would be the best, 2 would be second best, and so on).

**PLEASE** keep in mind that you will be judging them on how well they did not only in this trial, but also in the Practice Trial! If you are still confused on how you should vote, please PM me **BEFORE** you review! Okay? Okay. :)


	24. The 4th Judging

**Disclaimer: **I only own Kelaiah the ferret. Nothing else.

Well, here is the moment you've all been waiting foooooooooooooor!

* * *

Kelaiah sat in front of a TV set, one paw holding his chin up with the other held a DVD remote control. The skinny ferret snickered at something that was happening on the TV.

"Heh heh. I know that its really mean and I do want Baloo to win, but I can't help but laugh every time Shere Khan bites him in the-"

"AHEM!"

Kelaiah yelped and looked up to see a short, full-figured female mouse with blond fur that had obviously been died. The ferret was irate. "What are _you_doing here?! This is MY fic!"

The mousewife glared right back at Kel through her rectangular glasses. "Hey, it was _your_ human alter-ego who wanted me to do a cameo, dear _brother!"_

Kel snorted, but nevertheless turned his attention back to the TV. "Whatever."

"But anyway," Kel's sister sighed heavily. "I just wanted to let you know that votes are in, and that you better start on the judging soon."

"Oh? Well then, I'll get on that right away eh- hey, where'd you get that hunk of cheese?!"

"I got in the kitchens, though this fat mouse in a white apron tried to stop me. Huh, I didn't take those kick-boxing classes for nothing!"

* * *

After much counting and consideration (and some calculating), Kelaiah stood alone before the stage in Great Hall, the ferret's expression just as grim and foreboding as he had been for the previous judgments. Behind the ferret were covered trays on a long table, similar to the first judging.

The twelve contestants came out, some of them solemn-faced, others looking confident.

"Behind me are eleven trays bearing all the weapons you chose for your battles," Kelaiah said, unsmiling. "I will take them out one at a time and say the name of the contestant of who they belong to. The maiden whose name is not called, is the loser of this trial."

All twelve maidens stood very still, their overbright eyes fixated on Kel.

"The _first_ maiden whose weapon that I pick out will be the contestant who _won_ this challenge."

The male ferret paused and peered through his rectangle-shaped spectacles at the twelve beautiful females that stood before him - and once again mentally sighed, knowing that only in fanfiction could a thing like this happen to him.

* * *

The ferret took a small breath, and said, "The winner of the Fighting Challenge is. . . ."

All were silent. Some even forgot to breathe.

Kel pulled out the first weapon. It was a gullwhacker.

"Mariel."

The warriormaid stepped forward as her fellow contestants clapped. Even Dotti clapped, though not as enthusiastically as the others.

"Congratulations," Kelaiah said with a smile to Mariel.

"Thank you," Mariel replied, grinning. She went and stood off to the side.

Kel turned his attention to the others, his smile gone as he presented another tray.

"The second name will be the one who won second place. And that contestant is. . . ."

He lifted the lid. It was a sling.

"Dotti."

The haremaid's eyes widened yet she walked forward with dignity - and a slight bounce.

Kelaiah beamed at her. "I'm proud of you, Dotti. This is the soonest you've been called yet. Its a real set-up for you."

"Oh, thanks a lot, ol' fellow!" Dotti replied, immediately seeing the ferret's point.

The other contestants were not surprised that Mariel and Dotti were first and second, they hadn't expected anything less. But now they were tense. Who would be placed where? The votes were quite unpredictable at times.

"The third contestant I will call is. . . ."

Kel brought out a dagger.

"Bluefen."

The ferretwife's eyes widened even more than Dotti's had. In fact, many of the other contestants were surprised as well. Bluefen stepped hesitatingly out of the crowd towards Kel, who smiled at her.

"Congratulations."

"Thank you," Bluefen said, still wondering if this was really happening. Her? Win third place in a fighting challenge?

Kelaiah continued on with calling out the names.

"Fwirl."

"Cornflower."

"Rose."

"Pasque."

"Treerose."

"Trimp."

Finally there were only three contestants left: Celandine, Armel, and Mhera.

Kel looked at them without any expression on his face. "The next name I'm going to call is. . . .

"Mhera."

The ottermaid walked towards Kel with her head slightly bowed, but she straightened herself up, thinking that it was only natural that she, an Abbess, would place low in a fighting challenge.

Kelaiah then turned to the remaining two contestants.

"Will Celandine and Armel please step forward?"

The two squirrels joined paws and walked up to the ferret.

"Both of you stand before me for two different reasons.

"First off, Armel, you were defeated, not once, but twice. And the reviewers don't think of you as a warriormaid, but as a healer.

"And as for you, Celandine, the reviewers seem to think that you are not doing so well, that you're not really improving. You're not impressing them enough."

Neither squirrel made a sound or a move. Both of their eyes were fixated on the ferret as he lifted the tray, to reveal . . .

. . . a dagger.

"But Celandine, you've impressed some of them."

The squirrelmaid gasped in relief, covering her face with her paws.

"You were defeated twice, Celandine. The reviewers see that, and they acknowledge that. You are not the loser of the Fighting Challenge."

"Thank you so much," Celandine whimpered. If she was speaking to Kel or to the reviewers, it was hard to say.

After the squirrelmaid joined the others, Kel turned to Armel.

"You, Armel, unfortunately, are the loser of this challenge."

Armel did not cry, but rather handled herself very well.

"But I don't think this diminishes you," Kel continued. "I think this shows that not every female has to be a warrior. She can be a kindly healer, like you. And in that, I say congratulations."

* * *

Later, after all was said and done, Mariel received her prize: a gold medal.

Dotti received a silver medal and Bluefen got a bronze one.

* * *

**Winner of Challenge 4: **Mariel

**Loser of Challenge 4: **Armel

**Most Popular Contestant: **Bluefen (this is only assumed, the way how everyone is talking about her)

**Order of Performances: **Mariel, Dotti, Bluefen, Fwirl, Cornflower, Rose, Pasque, Treerose, Trimp, Mhera, Celandine, Armel

* * *

Stay tuned for another chapter of Redwall's Next Top Model!


	25. Trial 5 Intro

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

_"HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!"_

Martin the Warrior was still tied up, only this time, since the arena had vanished, he was now tied up in a random place of the forest. And being tied up in an obscure part of a forest, well, that's a bit unsettling.

_"HEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPP!!" _Martin screamed again. _"KEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!! ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSEEEE!! GOOOOOOOOONNNFFFFFFFF!! ANYBEEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSTTT!! I COULD REALLY USE A PAW HEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE!!"_

Just then a tall, skinny male fox wearing rectangular glasses came running at him.

"Hey mate!" the fox said, waving one paw before he tripped on a protruding root. "AUGH! Whoops! Ugh! Oof, ahem." The fox picked himself up and started his journey towards Martin again, only at a more reasonable pace. "Sorry. Heh, sorry about forgetting about you, but there was a bit of trouble with the arena, and Ferret-Kel wasn't feeling very well, ever since . . . well, yeah. Anyway. . . ."

Martin stared at the fox. "Who the peach shortcake are you?"

"Kelaiah's understudy," the fox replied as he began to untie the mousewarrior.

Martin blinked. "You're . . . _what?"_

"Kelaiah's understudy. _Fox,_ these knots are _tight._ really knows how to tie 'em, doesn't he? But then again I suppose that has to do with him not wanting you to see Rose get beat up and attacked like that. . . ."

Martin's mood went from stunned to incredulous to annoyed and then to shocked anger and realization. He had already guessed that he had been tied up because of Rose, but now he realized that Rose could be laying somewhere, hurt and helpless, or worse-!

"Rose is fine," the fox said, seeming to read Martin's thoughts. "She got patched up real good and she doesn't have any hard feelings towards Mariel."

"Mariel? What's Mariel got to do with-" Martin gasped. _"Did Mariel hurt-!?"_

"Y'know, Martin," the fox said, smiling nervously all of sudden. "These knots are so tight, I can't untie you. I'll go and see if I can get some help." And with that, the fox ran off at top speed.

"Now just wait a minute!" Martin roared after him. "_YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! **ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!"**_

* * *

Martin's screams were heard all the way to Redwall Abbey. Many of the abbeydwellers were unnerved by the horrible sounds, except for Rose, who was nestled comfortably up in the contestants' private quarters.

Rose sighed. "Oh, there he goes, overreacting as usual."

* * *

Dotti sat before the commentary camera.

"I know its flippin' bad sporty an' all, but I can't help but think that Mariel doesn't deserve first place. _I_was the one who used my blinkin' bare paws for fruitcake's sake! She never touched her vermin, wot, she just swung her stupid little rope thingy about like a dibbun at play! Its very frustrating, I'm not doing as well as I'd like, but I can't go on feeling sorry for m'self. I'd best just get on with things and try to do well with the rest of the trials."

* * *

In a large, empty room that resembled a fancy club of sorts, Kelaiah the ferret stepped out and smiled at the reviewer.

"Well hello there. I'd like to introduce you to Trial Five of Redwall's Next Top Model. As you all know, this trial is about the contestants disguising themselves as vermin. Well, this trial is going to be handled a bit differently, and this is how its going to go:

"All the contestants are going to come into this room all decked out in their disguises, and there are going to be other females too, only these females are real vermin. And then the judges (I decided to have more judges for this trial too) will come into the room and try to see if they can sniff out the fake vermin from the real.

"And here are our judges," Kelaiah continued as he walked over to a door that opened a room filled with male vermin. "Crosstooth the fox, Stumptooth the ferret, Bluehide the ferret, Fleabane the weasel, Rotnose the weasel, Skalrag the fox, Fangburn the rat, Redtooth the rat, Cheesethief the rat, Scringe the weasel, and Skinpaw the weasel."

All said creatures nodded at the reviewer, except for Stumptooth, who was staring at Kelaiah with wide eyes and an open mouth. (The reviewer might recall that Kel's human alter-ego made Kel look like Stumptooth, minus the stumpy teeth, so in a way Stumptooth has just discovered his twin.)

"Now these creatures will be let into the other room shortly after all the females have been situated, and from then on they will try to find which female is vermin and which female is woodlander."

* * *

Celandine sat happily before the commentary camera. "I'm so glad about this trial! Now _this _is one trial I'm sure to win! True, I should've been third in the Singing Challenge, but hopefully the reviewers will be able to see my acting abilities here! Acting is my specialty, after all!"

* * *

Bluefen took her turn with the commentary camera. "Its all a little redundant, this trial . . . I already am a vermin. But I suppose I'll just have to make do, won't I?"


	26. Trial 5 Part 1

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

**Trial 5:** Vermin disguises

* * *

"One thing I'd like to ask," Scringe said, holding up a claw. "Is where do you get off calling me a weasel, Kel?! I'm a ferret!"

"Well, you were a weasel in the TV show, and I was too lazy to go back and check in the book, so there!" was the skinny ferret's reply. "Now then, all of the contestants and female vermin and waiting in the room. . . ."

Kelaiah got no further, for at that time he realized that Stumptooth was standing _very_ close to him, goggling at him.

After a few silent, tense moments, Kel said to Stumptooth, "Can I help you?"

The other ferret didn't reply, just continued to gaze stupidly at Kel.

Finally Kel looked at Bluehide and jerked his head at Stumptooth. The blue-eyed ferret got the message and went to his friend, coaxing him away from Kel. "It's alright, Stumpy. Let's go over here now, its alright, alright. . . ."

Straightening his shirt and wrinkling his face, Kel abruptly turned to the other judges, who were snickering. "Somethin' funny, fellas?" the skinny ferret said, his voice very, very dangerous.

The judges quickly shut up and pretended that they hadn't been laughing at all.

Kelaiah nodded, his eyes slitted evilly. "Good. Now then, it is now time for you all as the judges to go in there and see if you can spot the real vermin from the fake ones. Have a good time!"

And so all the eleven judges walked through the door into the other room, where a sea of female faces turned towards them. The room had changed somewhat; there were colored lights all around, drinks were waiting on little side tables, and music playing. It was like being in a night club of sorts.

And just as Crosstooth the fox walked into the room, a slender, dark-furred paw suddenly came out and turned his face so that he was gazing into the golden eyes of the most beautiful vixen he had ever seen.

"Well," she purred, her throaty voice deep and sultry. "Aren't you a handsome hunk, though? I think I found my purpose in life."

"Guh _ahuuh,"_was the only thing Crosstooth could say, and before he knew it, the poor male fox was practically eating out of the beautiful vixen's paw.

The other judges grinned and nudged each other; maybe they'd get the same treatment!

However, after a few moments, they realized that the other female vermin were doing nothing except converse amongst themselves or skulk around the room.

_"Oooohhhh,"_the judges groaned. Now if they wanted what Crosstooth had, they'd have to work for it! Shoot!

"Ah well, that's not what we're here for," Redtooth said as he walked into the crowd of female vermin.

"Right," said Fangburn, following suit.

The other judges did likewise, though grumbling and casting envious eyes at Crosstooth and the beautiful purple-and-gold-clad vixen.

* * *

Crosstooth was sitting in a cushioned chair with the gorgeous vixen in his lap. She was at this moment giving him an ear-massage, something which made his legs twitch and tail wag. The male fox's tongue was hanging out as he stared moon-eyed at the vision in purple and gold before him.

Just then another vixen passed by, one less pretty than the one in Crosstooth's lap, and gave her a full look before growling, "'ey, you don't _look_ like no vermin!"

Suddenly the vixen in Crosstooth's lap whirled around, drawing a dagger from her belt and holding it beneath the other vixen's jaw. "I'll thankee not to make pers'nal comments about other beasts. Taint nice manners, eh?" the first vixen growled, her eyes alight with malice.

The second vixen gulped as much as she dared to with a blade next to her throat. "Okay, okay! Just . . . just . . . passin' by s'all!" And with that, she hurried off.

The first vixen sheathed her dagger and returned to Crosstooth. "Now where were we, pudden-lips?" she purred, back to sweet and lovely.

* * *

Rotnose and Fleabane were walking through the club together, deciding to work together. Their intended method was to scan the room first and weed out all the creatures who looked suspicious enough to be woodlander.

The first female on their list was what looked like a rat with a very heavy cloak. She looked almost hunchback, but the cloak was voluminous enough to hide her real shape, so the two weasels approached her.

"'ey there," Fleabane said with a slight aggressiveness. "Wot's with the big cloak? Yew got somethin' to 'ide?"

The ratmaid smiled grimly at the weasel. "Yessir, I do indeed. I got a lot of great big gigantic scars I gots from gettin' the flurgytwing."

Immediately Rotnose backed off, being terrified of fever, but Fleabane scoffed. "Pah! There was never no such thing as the flurgytwing, Rotnose! Yew know that!"

"No I _don't_know that!" Rotnose retorted. "But I ain't goin' near anybeast that's been touched by the . . ." here he gulped, "_twinge."_

"Oh fer cryin' out loud, there ain't no such thing as the twing, you dingbat!" Fleabane shouted. "There never was, that was just some trick the slaves came up with to distract us!"

"Then how come yew never came up with what was up with that spot on yer ear, eh?" shot back Rotnose.

"There ain't no spot!" Fleabane yelled, although he still clutched at said ear, feeling around for anything suspicious.

"'Course there is, I c'n see it, plain as daylight!" Rotnose protested.

"Yer eyes are playin' tricks on yah, that's all!"

"_Yer_eyes are playin' tricks on yah!"

"They are not!"

"They are so!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

It was awhile before the two weasels realized that the ratmaid was gone.

* * *

Fangburn lumbered around the room for awhile before slumping down on a cushioned bench.

"What's a rat got to do to get a drink around here?" he demanded nobeast in particular.

Suddenly a goblet was pushed beneath his nose. The rat turned and looked in the hideous features of an old vermin-hag. Any other time, Fangburn would've backed away, but now, he really wanted a drink.

"Fer me?" he asked.

"It iiisss, my darlingggg," the old hag cooed. A lot of her teeth were either missing or rotted.

The rat accepted the goblet, started to drink, and then spat it out. "Eeeewwww! Its' _water!"_

He glared as the old hag cackled, her great dusty rag of a cloak shaking. His eyes then widened a bit as she set herself very stiffly on the stool with a squeaky "Oof!"

"Wow," he said. "Hey, how old're you?"

"Eh, wot's that y'say, darlin'?" the old hag replied, leaning her ear closer.

"HOW OLD ARE YOU?!" Fangburn roared into her ear.

"Nineteen seasons, of course, my darlingggg."

"Ninety seasons? Wow, that's _old."_

"Nononono," the old hag said, smiling and shaking a very dirty claw at him, as though he were a naughty little one, "nine-_teen_ seasons."

"Ah, nine-_teen_ seasons, of _course," _Fangburn said, nodding. Obviously this old hag wasn't right in the head. "And do you have a husband?"

"Yes I do, my daaaarlinggggg," the old hag crooned as she nestled a bit closer to Fangburn (who edged away).

"And is he as _young_ as you?" The rat chuckled in spite of himself.

"Not quite, my daaaarlinggggg," the old hag replied, smiling smugly.

"Oh really? What's his name? Methuseleth?"

"No, its Fangburn, _daaaaaaaaarrrrrrrllllllllllingggggggg_."

Fangburn laughed. "Fangburn! Ha ha! What a name! Ha ha ha ha. . . ." he then trailed off as something important came home to him.

He looked at the old hag, who simultaneously looked back at him.

"F-Fangburn? . . . but, eh, I don't suppose . . . I think I better . . . go over here now!"

And with that, Fangburn ran full speed away from the old vermin-hag, who was cackling in such a way that it would've made the Wicked Witch of the West . . . . well, _green_ with envy.

* * *

"So you're a juska?" Skalrag asked.

The female weasel looked up at the fox from adjusting her tailring. "Yeah that's right," she said, standing up to her full height. "You got a problem with that, little foxy?"

The fierce glare she gave him coupled with the barbaric tattoos scattered across her face made the fox back down at first.

"No, no problem at all," the fox said, taking a step back. "Just a simple observation is all."

"I thought so," the weasel said, carelessly dropping back into her seat. "'ere, have a drink w'me, eh?"

Skalrag didn't dare refuse. He sat down across from the weasel, who slid a tankard towards him. She then raised her own in a silent toast and drank. Skalrag couldn't help but notice the grimace that crossed the weasel's face.

She noticed that _he_noticed, so she said, "Ah, tis stronger than usual. I'm more partial to softer drinks. Yew ever had deep dark damson wine?" she asked, leaning forward, almost leering at the fox.

Skalrag gave a slight wince. It had been damson wine that Druwp the vole had demanded for secrets of the slaves. "Yes, I've had damson wine before."

"Oh, its tastey, isn't it?" the weasel said, grinning. "I'd like a big jug of it right now, wouldn't yew?"

Skalrag decided that the damson wine had nothing to do with his demise, so he managed a smile and said, "Sure, why not?"

* * *

"So 're any of you fake vermin?" Redtooth asked a table of female mustelids.

"If we were, we wouldn't tell yah," said a female weasel with a crooked grin.

"Tha's righ', me old matey," said a ferret with a large hood. "Yew think yer so shmart that yull find 'em all w'out . . . w'out . . . ehhh . . . wot're we all talkin' about?"

The stoat sitting on the other side of the ferret laughed. "I think this one has had more grog than she can take."

"Don't be ridic . . . ridic . . . don't be shtupid!" the ferret snapped. She stood up clumsily, swishing her grog. "I c'n still sing an' dance, eh? How about a nice ballad for our friend Ratty here, eh?"

"My name's not Ratty, its Redtooth," Redtooth growled.

"Alrigh' then, matey, yew've got y'self a deal!" And with that, the ferret burst forth into a horrible, _horrible_warble about the life of seavermin.

There was not one creature in the room that didn't have their ears covered (except maybe Croostooth, who was still far too enchanted by his lovely vixen).

"Okay! _Okay!_OKAY!" roared Redtooth, finally getting the ferret to shut up. "I'll take your word for it, you're not a woodlander! _Ugh. . . ."_

And with that, the rat stalked away, leaving the three female mustelids to laugh heartily in his wake.

* * *

Stumptooth was wandering around, looking at every female-vermin-filled table in the room until finally he came upon a table that contained two searats and one weasel.

"'ey there, handsome, pull up a seat, I wanna buy ya a drink," one of the searats, a female with brass earrings, said, pushing out a chair with her footpaw.

"Alright, that sounds nice," the ferret replied, smiling at the flattery.

"'ere, drink up, it'll do yah good," the searat said, shoving a tankard of seaweed grog towards him, which the ferret readily drank.

"Now that's the way to drink grog," the second searat said. Her voice was surprisingly deep and gritty, and she wore a flithy headscarf.

"Ah, thankee, thankee," Stumptooth replied, leaning back in his seat and rubbing his chest fur. "So do any of you know which of these vermin are fakes?"

"Nope," said the searat with earrings.

"Not a clue," said the searat with the headscarf.

Both searats reached for their tankards and took deep gulps.

"Well I do," said the weasel, speaking for the first time.

The searats choked and spat out their grog, coughing fitfully. Stumptooth and the weasel whacked them on the back.

"Wh-wots that ye say?" said the searat with the earrings, finally getting her breath back.

"Yeah, y'know who's a fake?" asked the searat with the headscarf, her paw on her chest.

"Well, I don't really _know,"_ the weasel admitted. "But I do have my suspicions."

"Like who?" Stumptooth said, leaning forward eagerly. The two searats did likewise.

"Well, y'see that rat over there? The one w' all the scabs on 'er?"

Stumptooth and the two searats turned and looked at the said rat. She looked to be in deep conversation with Scringe and two other female ferrets.

"Wot about 'er?" one of the searats asked.

"'s the way I 'eard 'er talk. 'er voice . . . s'too pretty, if y'ask me. Too soft, too . . . _gentle._ But I don't know fer sure, I've heard of rats that could sing like larks, so I could be mistaken. Yew never know."

"Right, y'never know," one of the searats said softly.

"'ere now, how about another go, eh?" the other searat said suddenly, and the four of them shared another deep drink.

* * *

Scringe peered closely at the rat covered in scabs. He too had noticed that her voice seemed too pretty to belong to a vermin, but he hadn't heard of searats that had beautiful voices.

"So's I says to the cap'n I says," the scabby rat was saying. "'Cap'n, yew can't be serious about lettin' the sails fly free in a storm like dis, yew'll get us all kilt!' Then 'e says-"

"Eh, wot was yer cap'n's name agin, mate?" Scringe interrupted, his nasally voice tinged with suspicion.

"Eh, oh, it was Cap'n Wellowchuf!" the rat replied.

"That's not wot y'said the first time." And with that, Scringe stood up and left before the rat could say anything more. The ferret grinned as he recalled the look of panic in her eyes.

_Gotcha,_ he thought.

* * *

Bluehide was a having a similar situation. He was speaking with a weasel-type creature with a hood, who spoke with a voice far too soft and pretty to be a proper vermin.

"Tell me, mate," the blue-eyed ferret said, crossing his legs as he leaned sideways in his chair. "Were ye ever in a band of sorts?"

"Nope, twas always on my own, I was!" the weasel replied, taking a dainty sip of her grog (and pulling a face).

"That right?" Bluehide murmured, taking a bigger swig of his own cup of grog. Too ladylike, this female was. Like she had a good upbringing. Typical of a woodlander.

* * *

Cheesethief and Skinpaw were sitting at a table with three vixens who were not as lovely as Crosstooth's vixen.

One had very bad hygiene, another had an earring, and third had white fur.

"So are any of yew woodlanders?" Cheesethief asked the three of them bluntly as he set his feet on the table.

Skinpaw noticed a look of distaste cross the three vixens' faces, but then again, he supposed what Cheesethief did was a little . . . bad-mannered?

One of the vixens was already speaking, forcing the weasel from his train of thought. "No, we are not, thank you very much."

"Ah that's too bad," Cheesethief said, although it was obvious he didn't believe a word of it (as did Skinpaw). "Because we really do want to find out who's a fake vermin around here, and who're the real ones."

"Well, we're the real ones, we can promise you that," said the dirty vixen. Even though she had bad hygiene, she had a voice (and bodily gestures) that were completely different.

"That's right!" said the white vixen.

"Absolutely!" said the vixen with the earring.

The rat and weasel were not fooled, their voices were far too pretty, much too different from their ragged appearances. If they had disguised themselves as clean, beautiful vixens like Crosstooth's vixen, they probably would've had a chance in tricking Cheesethief and Skinpaw, but that wasn't the case now.

* * *

Finally Kelaiah came into the room, thus all eyes turned to him.

"Time's up!" the skinny ferret said cheerfully. "It is now time for our judges to reveal who they think are the real vermin . . . and who are the fake. Oh, and, dear reviewers, would any of you like to guess which disguise our contestants are in?"

Suddenly Stumptooth shouted, "NOW I know who he reminds me of!"

* * *

**A/N:**The scene between Fangburn and the old hag, that was from a show I saw on OBP one night. I've forgotten the name of the play, but it was most amusing (you'd be surprised at some of the stuff you'd find on OPB), and it might have been Shakespeare.


	27. Trial 5 Part 2

**Disclaimer:**Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

"Before we begin," Kel said. "I would like to thank all the reviewers who took part in this challenge, and as for Awsomewriter123, OPB is a TV station, its channel 10 where I come from.

"Also, I would like to thank Mask the otter for helping the contestants with their lovely disguises."

Mask stuck his head around the corner. "Your welcome!" Then he disappeared.

"Now then, shall we move on?" Kel said. "Let's start off like this:

"Judges, have you found who are the fake vermin?"

"Yes, yer honor, we have," said Fleabane - who was immediately hit down by Scringe.

"HEY!" the irate ferret shouted. _"I_ was the one who found 'em! You didn't find any of them!"

Things would've gotten ugly if Kel hadn't threatened to make the judges do math homework.

"Now then," Kel went on. "Scringe, you said you found a fake vermin? Who was it?"

"The rat covered in scabs. She ain't no vermin, 'er voice is soft and pretty! And her past story doesn't add up! She's as woodlander as they come!"

"Would the rat covered in scabs please come forward?" Kel called.

The said rat complied, and Kelaiah announced, "A lot of the reviewers think that she is Rose in disguise. Would you care to show whether or not they are correct, miss?"

Again the rat complied, and took off her mask, to reveal the face of . . . .

Cornflower.

Kelaiah gave a laugh. "You didn't fool the judges, but you certainly fooled the reviewers! Here, take this seat over here, if you would."

Cornflower did so; she was disappointed that she had been found out, but then again, she had fooled the reviewers, and that was something!

* * *

"Now then," Kel said, turning back to the judges. "Did you find any other fake vermin?"

"Yes we did," said Bluehide, Cheesethief, and Skinpaw.

"Alright then, be so kind as to tell us who they are."

"The weasel-type creature with the hood," said Bluehide. "Too dainty and ladylike, a complete one-eighty from her appearance. She's in disguise."

"And the-" began Cheesethief, only to be cut off by Kel.

"One at a time, now! Will the weasel with the hood please step forward and reveal who she really is?"

The weasel did so, revealing herself as . . . .

Pasque.

Kelaiah smiled. "Not one of the reviewers suspected it was you. Now if you'll please have a seat?"

Pasque went and sat by Cornflower. The haremaid sighed inwardly; true, she was friends with Midge Manycoats, but she never went on adventures with him where she had to disguise herself. She wasn't as experienced as her husband was concerning such things.

* * *

"Now Cheesethief," said Kel. "You were saying?"

"Yes, I-"

"AHEM!" said Skinpaw, glaring at the rat.

"Oh alright, me and Skinpaw here found _three _woodlanders!"

"Oh really? That's impressive. Who are they?"

Skinpaw volunteered that information. "The three vixens, one that's white, the other that's filthy, and the last who's got an earring."

"Will the three foxes please step forward?"

Within moments three vixens stood before Kel and removed their masks.

The white vixen was Armel.

The filthy vixen was Fwirl.

The vixen with the earring was Treerose.

"You all fooled the reviewers," said Kel. "Except one reviewer had guessed Armel's disguise, but that was only one reviewer. The rest of them couldn't guess. Now please take your seats."

The three squirrels did so, albeit a bit glumly, Armel in particular. But they all reasoned that they could've done worse.

* * *

"Moving on," said Kel. "Now, judges, did you find any more vermin who were really woodlanders? No?"

The judges admitted they hadn't.

"Well, then, why don't we reveal who are the lovely contestants that fooled you all into believing they were vermin, eh?

"The ferret in the hood-"

"Word!" said the ferret in the hood, causing a lot laughs (my thanks to Maudlin Hart for that joke).

"Please step forward," Kelaiah said, smiling.

Previously, the ferret had given off an aura of pure drunkenness. Now, she walked towards Kel with dead soberness, something which shocked many of the judges.

"Please remove your mask," Kelaiah said, still smiling.

The ferret did so, revealing the face of . . .

Dotti.

The haremaid laughed and bowed deeply while some of the vermin gave some applause; they were actually impressed with how Dotti convinced them all that she was drunk. Oh, and that she was a vermin, too. (Though the author would like to point out that Dotti only said "wot" like how other creatures did, and not at the end of her sentence like how most hares did)

"Thank you, Dotti, for that lovely performance," laughed Kel.

After the beaming haremaid took her seat, the ferret went on.

* * *

"Would the rat with the heavy cloak please come forward and reveal herself?"

"I knew it!" shouted Fleabane. "I knew she was- oof!" Rotnose had elbowed him in the stomach.

"Yew did not!" snapped Rotnose.

"Did so!" shouted Fleabane, tackling the other weasel.

After a few minutes, the two weasels were separated with plenty of math homework to do.

Oh, and the rat with the heavy cloak proved to be . . . .

Trimp.

"Some of the reviewers guessed that," Kel said. "But not all of them. Good job, Trimp!"

* * *

"Now would the weasel with the Juska tattoos please step forward?"

The weasel stepped forward, pulling off her mask to reveal . . . .

Mhera.

"I know some of the reviewers guessed that as well," the ottermaid said. "I even have my brother's old tailring on."

"I understand that was so you could be authentic, right?" Kel asked.

"Yes, it was," Mhera nodded.

* * *

"Would the searat with the brass earrings please step forward?"

The rat did so, and pulled off her mask.

It was Mariel.

"And I don't recall if any of the reviewers ever suspected!" Kel said with a grin.

Mariel grinned in return and took her seat with the others.

* * *

"Now then. Would the searat with the headscarf please step forward?"

The searat complied, taking off her mask, and revealed herself as. . . .

Rose.

"Many of the reviewers thought you were Cornflower!" said Kel.

"Interesting," said Rose. "They thought I was Cornflower, and that Cornflower was me. Isn't it funny?"

Rose went to take her seat.

The reviewers might be wondering about that, but they might recall that Rose has the ability to disguise her voice. In "Martin the Warrior", when they first met the Mirdops, Rose disguised her voice to sound like Martin as a distraction while the real Martin went around to surprise the Mirdops.

* * *

"And now, would the pretty vixen please step forward?"

**_"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"_**

Crosstooth flung his arms around his beautiful vixen's waist. "Oh please, _please,_ tell me it isn't so! Please tell me it isn't so!"

The vixen sighed. "I'm so sorry." And she sounded like she meant it, too.

She pulled off her mask, revealing Celandine's face.

Crosstooth stared up into her squirrely features before breaking down into tears.

The other vermin were again surprised and impressed. They could've sworn she was a real vixen! Even the other vixen who expressed her doubts had been convinced - especially when Celandine pulled off the act of being savagely aggressive.

"Hey, hey," Celandine said to Crosstooth. "What's the matter? Am I ugly?"

"What?" Crosstooth asked, looking back up.

"Am I ugly?" Celandine repeated herself, looking very serious.

Crosstooth actually considered her for awhile . . . and then said very softly, "No. Yer not ugly. Yer just as pretty as you were then."

The squirrelmaid smiled, and freed herself from his arms. "Call me sometime," she purred as she went to sit with the other contestants.

Crosstooth gave an idiotic chuckle while the other judges glared at him with envy.

* * *

"And finally," said Kel. "Would our final contestant please come for-"

"Oh Fang_buuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn," _cooed an old, cackly voice.

"AAAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" screamed the poor rat as he jumped into Skalrag's arms.

The old vermin-hag came scampering into view, her bulbious eyes rolling around crazily, her rotted teeth revealed in a huge grin.

"Would you like me to kiss you, my _daaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllliiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg?"_

"No thank you!" squeaked Fangburn.

"Oh well, that's good, because Swartt would be mad at me!"

Fangburn blinked.

So did everybeast else (except Kel). None of the contestants had known what kind of disguise the others were going to get. . . .

"Swartt? What d'mean Swartt-?"

The old vermin-hag stood taller, casting aside her cloak- and her mask, revealing. . . .

The youthful, beautiful features of Bluefen Sixclaw, who was grinning and blushing, suddenly embarrassed. The other vermin began to clap for her, as did the contestants. Even Celandine, though put out by the thought that Bluefen had possibly put on a better performance, grudgingly acknowledged the ferret's talent.

Kel shrugged. "Seeing is how Mrs. Sixclaw is already a vermin, I decided to go all out with her disguise, y'know, have some fun with it. Well, I hope you all enjoyed this. It is now time to vote. You all should know how to vote by now.

"Although please, PLEASE, _PLEASE, _**PLEASE**, people, recall that there are **12** contestants! A lot of reviewers have mistaken there to be less than 12, so please, be careful how you number them!

"And please, don't hold grudges against any of the contestants. If you don't like a certain contestant, too bad, don't rate her low just because of that!

"And please, consider CAREFULLY how well they were in this challenge, give as much thought as you can."

"Also, if you are late in this fic and have not voted yet, you are at perfect liberty to start now, you're never too late to vote - that is, until the fic has been updated. But you know what I mean, right?

"So happy voting people! God bless!"


	28. The 5th Judging

**Disclaimer: **I only own Kelaiah the ferret. Nothing else.

Well, here is the moment you've all been waiting foooooooooooooor!

* * *

Kelaiah stood alone before the stage in Great Hall, the ferret's expression just as grim and foreboding as he had been for the previous judgments. Behind the ferret were covered trays on a long table, similar to the first judging.

The twelve contestants came out, some of them solemn-faced, others looking confident.

"Behind me are eleven trays bearing all the masks you wore for the challenge," Kelaiah said, unsmiling. "I will take them out one at a time and say the name of the contestant of who they belong to. The maiden whose name is not called, is the loser of this trial."

All twelve maidens stood very still, their overbright eyes fixated on Kel.

"The _first_ maiden whose mask that I pick out will be the contestant who _won_ this challenge."

The male ferret paused and peered through his rectangle-shaped spectacles at the twelve beautiful females that stood before him - and once again mentally sighed, knowing that only in fanfiction could a thing like this happen to him.

* * *

The ferret took a small breath, and said, "The winner of the Vermin-Disguise Challenge is. . . ."

All were silent. Some even forgot to breathe.

Kel brought forth the first mask. . . .

"Bluefen."

The ferret gaped as the other contestants also gasped but clapped as well. They knew she'd win this one! Celandine was put out that she wasn't the one to win first place, but then again, she reasoned, at least this time she knew she wouldn't be placed low on the list!

It took a moment for Bluefen to finally come forward; it seemed incredible to her that she, _she,_ had won a challenge! And the one challenge she thought that was rather silly for her to participate in! Surely she'd wake up any time soon?

Kelaiah smiled down at her as she carefully picked up her mask, as though it were fine glass. "You impressed every reviewer with your disguise, and your act. They loved you, they thought you were _hilarious._ You fooled each and every one of them, both judge and reviewer alike. Some thought it was wonderful to see you come out of your shell like that. Congratulations, Bluefen."

"Thank you," Bluefen murmured, her eyes watering.

* * *

Kelaiah turned to the other contestants, all waiting for the next mask to be revealed. He picked up the next tray.

"The next maid whose mask I am about to pull out belongs to. . . ."

The contestants silently took deep breaths.

"Celandine."

The squirrelmaid gave a gasping squeal; finally! She was near the top! She wasn't rated low this time! Celandine was so happy and relieved that she practically skipped towards Kel, who smiled.

"The reviewers thought you were amazing, that you were awesome. Even though a lot of them knew it was you, they were still astounded by your performance. Congratulations."

"Thank you!" Celandine said, and with that, she reached up kissed Kel on the cheek.

Kel's face turned red under his brown fur as the beautiful squirrelmaid went and stood by Bluefen.

* * *

"Ahem! Harrumph!" said Kel, trying to compose himself again. The contestants gave a small laugh.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Now shut up for a moment," Kel interrupted. "Now then, the next name I'm going to call is. . . ."

Again the females became silent.

"Dotti."

The haremaid gave a whoop and bounded forward.

"You really impressed the reviewers with your drunken act," Kel told her. "And the way how you used your flaws to make the vermin believe you were a real vermin, that was wonderful."

"Oh, thanks a heap, old fellow!" Dotti said, thumping Kel on the back (nearly flooring him).

* * *

"Now then," the male ferret went on. "The next mask I pull out belongs to. . . .

"Rose."

The mousemaid smiled and stepped forward.

"Way to go on using your voice talents," Kel said as he handed her her mask. "Congratulations."

"Thank you," Rose replied as she took her place with Bluefen, Celandine, and Dotti.

* * *

"The next contestant I'm going to call is. . . ."

"Mariel."

The mousemaid smiled, though quite as widely as Rose had, and came forward.

"You used your experience with all those searats during this challenge, and that's a good thing," Kelaiah told her. "Congratulations."

"Thanks."

* * *

"The next name I shall I call is. . . .

"Mhera."

The ottermaid came forward and retrieved her mask - and an extra prize: the tailring she wore.

"I believe this was your brother's?" Kelaiah asked her.

"Yes, but he gave it to Rosabel, who gave it to Fwirl when she entered this contest as a way of reminding Fwirl of her while she was away, and then Fwirl gave it to me for the challenge."

Kel blinked. "Oh, um, okay. Great! But you certainly pulled off a good job convincing Skalrag you were a real vermin. Congratulations."

"Thank you very much."

* * *

"The next constestant to come forward will be. . . .

"Trimp."

The hedgehogmaid walked up to Kel and received her mask.

"Some of the reviewers want to know how you knew about the flurgy twinj?" Kel asked her.

Trimp blinked at the male ferret.

"We're all fictional characters completely out of our timelines, dealing with modern-like things, and the reviewers are confused as to how I knew about some made-up disease?!"

It was Kel's time blink. "Um, yeah um . . . good point, I guess. Er, congratulations!"

"Thanks." Trimp went and stood by the others.

* * *

Kel looked at the remaining contestants: Treerose, Pasque, Fwirl, Armel, and Cornflower. All of them hadn't fooled the judges into thinking they were vermin, and delivered rather poor performances in the reviewer's opinion.

"The next name I'm going to call is. . . .

"Fwirl."

The red-gold squirrelwife let out her breath; she hadn't realized she had been holding it. She came forward, relieved and surprised she wasn't in the bottom.

"Congratulations," was all Kel said.

"Thanks," Fwirl muttered as she scampered to the others.

* * *

"Armel."

The squirrelwife also heaved a breath of surprised relief. She was very glad not to be the loser twice in a row, but still, she had been almost sure she'd be lower.

Once again all Kelaiah said was "Congratulations" as Armel made her way to the others.

* * *

Kel looked at the remaining three contestants: Cornflower, Treerose, and Pasque.

"The next name I'm going to call is . . . ."

"Pasque."

The haremaid put her paw on her forehead as she came forward. She hadn't been relishing the thought of losing yet another trial.

"Congratulations," Kel said.

"Thank you."

* * *

"Will Cornflower and Treerose please step forward?"

The mousewife and squirrelwife did so, holding each other's paw.

"Both of you stand before me for very similar reasons. Neither of you have had experience with acting or disguising. But one of you is the loser for this trial.

"I'll start with Cornflower. Cornflower, you were found out way too easily, and you even forgot your own backstory. And that is a dangerous thing to do when you're in disguise.

"And then you, Treerose, many of the reviewers rated you low for your poor portrayl of a vermin. You had a good disguise, but your mannerisms were a dead giveaway.

"You both know how the scoring is settled in this competition. All of the votes were added up and one of you is higher than the other. . . ."

Neither squirrel nor mouse spoke. Both were squeezing each other's paw tightly, both of their eyes pinned on the male ferret before them.

Finally Kel lifted the tray's lid, revealing the mask of. . . .

"Cornflower."

_"Oh!"_ the mousewife placed her free paw over her mouth.

Treerose, her eyes watering, nevertheless gave Cornflower a hug.

"But somehow," Kel said as Cornflower took back her mask. "The scoring came out so that you were higher than Treerose."

Cornflower, wiping her eyes, made her way over to the other contestants.

Kel turned to the squirrelwife that still stood before him. "You, Treerose, sadly, are the loser of the Vermin Disguise Challenge. But don't let that discourage you. You've been rated high in the other challenges, even won the first challenge. You still have time to do a better job."

Treerose nodded, her eyes swimming. "Thank you."

* * *

Later, after all was said and done, Bluefen, as the winner of the Disguise Challenge, received her prize.

And just what was her prize? Well, you're just going to have to guess what it was, aren't you?

(If you have any ideas, PM me)

* * *

**Winner of Challenge 5: **Bluefen

**Loser of Challenge 5: **Treerose

**Most Popular Contestant: **tie between Bluefen and Celandine

**Order of Performances: **Bluefen, Celandine, Dotti, Rose, Mariel, Mhera, Trimp, Fwirl, Armel, Pasque, Cornflower, Treerose

* * *

In case anyone is curious of how the scores came out:

Bluefen - 28

Celandine - 55

Dotti - 77

Rose - 89

Mariel - 99

Mhera - 115

Trimp - 120

Fwirl - 192

Armel - 193

Pasque - 195

Cornflower - 196

Treerose - 201

* * *

Stay tuned for another chapter of Redwall's Next Top Model!


	29. Bluefen's Prize

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

The large, scarlet curtain was pulled upwards.

The crowd, already wild with applause, somehow became even more frenzied at the sight of the plays star: Bluefen Sixclaw.

Standing on either side of the ferretwife were the ten other contestants, all of whom had been given parts in the play. Either they were secondary characters or background fill-ups, depending on how well they did in the trial.

Treerose was sitting among the crowd. Being the loser, she was excluded from being in the play, but she was too proud of Bluefen to be put out.

The squirrelwife clapped along with the rest of the audience, looking up at the stage while the contestants and the other actors bowed with great flourish. All except Bluefen, who only nodded her head slightly. Her awed, almost-teary-eyed face taking it all in.

It still seemed amazing to the female ferret that she was where she was. And she was amazed still that the audience was clapping for _her. _But then again, it was probably the performances of Celandine, Dotti, and Rose that they were clapping for.

Bluefen didn't realize it, but she actually had done a spectacular job on stage. She just didn't remember because the part she played, she had gotten so into it that she had forgotten that she was on a stage at all.

* * *

At the after-play party, Bluefen Sixclaw appeared in (what Nonny herself described as) a very, _very_ pretty blue dress that complemented her in every way. It sparkled and dazzled with silver and tiny diamonds. She was very easily the belle of the ball.

The ferret was soon encircled by many fans, all of whom were eager to congratulate her on her performance - and to get her autograph. Bluefen was a bit flustered, but managed to keep her head on straight.

All of the other contestants that had been in the play were also congratulated for their own performances, Celandine, Dotti, and Rose in particular.

Treerose came up to Bluefen and embraced the ferret, saying, "Heeey! You did a great job!"

"Oh, thanks! Though I wish you could've been up there too!"

The squirrelwife gave a scoff. "Oh, I wouldn't have been able to see the play correctly that way!"

* * *

Later, Bluefen received yet another surprise: her son Veil came running up to her and embraced her heartily (though he was careful not to crush her). Bluefen was very happy to see her son, and was further surprised by the sight of Swartt, who was . . . quite dressed up.

"Isn't he lovely, Mother?" Veil jeered. "Lookit him work that tux!"

"Oh I don't know," Bluefen said, her voice suddenly taking on a purr. "I think he looks rather. . . ."

"Okay I'm outta here!" Veil quickly disappeared into the crowds.

* * *

Bluefen met Swartt later for a romantic date that included candlelight. The rest is history.

* * *

**Kel:** If any of you are wondering what kind of play it was, I have no idea. I was too lazy to think of one. Sorry.


	30. Announcement

**Disclaimer: **Own nothing 'cept Kelaiah the ferret.

* * *

Bluefen sat down before the commentary camera. She had a paperback version of "Outcast of Redwall" in her paw. The ferretwife opened to book to the part where her husband first came into her father's horde.

She read aloud, "Swartt could be a charmer when needed."

Bluefen then shut the book with a snap (as much as one can snap a paperback), and said to the camera, "I rest my case."

* * *

Kelaiah smiled at the reader, twiddling his paws.

"Hello all, just wanted to make a quick announcement. First of all, I want to speak for Rector when I say I'd like to kiss a mousemaid that's as beautiful as a Sue and yet is not a Sue."

Just then the smacking sound of a pair of lips belonging to a mousemaid-that-was-as-beautiful-as-a-Sue-and-yet-was-not-a-Sue meeting the lips of the aforementioned male mouse filled the air.

Kel smirked; _that_ ought to knock off a few degrees of Rector's revenge on him.

"Also, I wish to announce that RNTM (short for Redwall's Next Top Model) will be taking an official break."

**_"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_**

"HEY! Don't take the tone of voice with me! Besides, its not like all the other times when I just disappear. At least this time I'm giving you all a heads up, right? And anyway, the reason why this competition is pausing is so that one of our contestants can participate in a certain . . . er, shall we say match-making contest? I'm sure you'll all understand in due course.

"Well, just wanted to let you all know! Happy readings and writings! God bless!"

* * *

Bluefen suddenly sat back down before the commentary camera.

"In case any of you didn't know what my earlier comment was about, a lot of you had difficulty seeing my husband as romantic. And yet, here it states right in the book that he can be charming when he wanted to be. And he can. So there! Hmph!"


	31. We're baaaaaaack!

Kelaiah the ferret grinned at the reader. "I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! Yes, folks, here we are, _finally _updated with Redwall's Next Top Mod-_mmmrrrfff!"_

The ferret got no farther, for a tall, skinny, bespectacled male fox slapped his paw over Kel's mouth, saying perkily to the reader, "And I would like to apologize for my fellow alter-ego's complete and utter laziness concerning this fic-"

Kel wrenched his mouth free, snarling, "Excuse me, who asked you?! You're just an understudy!"

"Not for long I will be!" the fox cried, waving a paw about dramatically before stomping off.

The ferret sighed, wiping his lips. "Anyway, yes, I do apologize for the lateness of this fic, but at least I gave you all a warning that there was going to be a break. . . .

". . .and I think I should warn you all that all updates for this fic will take longer than they used to from now on - at least until future notice! At least for now I think they will . . . anyway. . . .

"But for now, we've got a new chapter, and its all thanks to Much Ado About Nonny, who came up with pretty much the whole idea for the next challenge! So thanks a lot, mate! And in fact, I think a reward is well in order.

"And now, why don't we gather our twelve lovely contestants so we can explain the next challenge to them, shall we?"

* * *

At that moment, the twelve lovely contestants in question were quite enjoying themselves up in their private suite.

During the little 'vacation' that they had, they had been swimming in pools, dining on scrumptious Redwall fare, and just having a good time. They still weren't allowed outside contact from friends and family, although they were allowed to have phone calls (though some of them found it a bit difficult to use such a strange object).

Currently, the twelve maidens were all either sprawled on their beds, on the floor, on the couches, on a balcony, or in a hottub: Celandine was teaching Bluefen how to paint her nails (yes, the two were friends now; Celandine wasn't for holding grudges); Trimp and Rose were laughing about the adventures they shared with Martin; Fwirl, Armel, and Cornflower were all discussing their children; Mariel, Treerose, and Pasque talked about old battles they had been in; and Mhera and Dotti were busily talking to each other in Molespeech, thus nobeast could very well understand what they were saying.

Suddenly, a knock came at the door. Mariel went to answer it.

"Hello, there!" grinned a cheerful male rat. "My name's Blaggut, and Kel sent me up to fetch you all."

* * *

After the twelve females had gathered together in Great Hall, Kel came out and stood before them.

"Hello, ladies! Long time no see, eh?"

No answer. Only an exchanging of glances.

Kel blinked. He adjusted his glasses, coughed, and continued.

"Ahem, anyway, first of all, since Much Ado About Nonny was the one who came up with how to do this next challenge, I think she deserves a round of applause, eh? Come on out, Nonny!"

And with that, the blonde-furred, pink-clad mousemaid came shyly out, smiling modestly as Kel and the contestants clapped for her.

"Thank you, thank you," Nonny grinned.

"And also," Kel went on with a grin of his own, "I think it only appropriate that she be given a reward for her efforts to keep this fic going."

_"A KISS FROM MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"_ shouted the fox from earlier, bounding into the room.

_"No,"_snarled Kel, stepping between him and the startled mousemaid. "She doesn't get a kiss from _you!"_

The fox pouted, his ears drooping. Nonny almost felt sorry for him.

"No, instead," the ferret continued, turning a knowing smile to the blonde mouse, "she gets a kiss from somebeast very special to her. Come here, Dandin."

_"DANDIN?!" SCREECHED MARIEL, EYES WIDENING._

The male mouse in question came out with the look of a martyr. Nonny, her eyes widening to rival the size of Mariel's, gave a squeal that bordered on 'fangirlish'.

"I get to kiss Dandin?!" the blonde mousemaid gushed, bouncing up and down.

"NOT ON MY WATCH! YYYEEEAAARRRGGG!!"

And with that, Mariel threw herself forward, brandishing her gullwhacker that she had somehow managed to pull out of nowhere at nobeast in particular, just wanting to hit somebeast.

Well, the next few moments were a little hideous, so let's skip them, shall we?

* * *

"Basically," explained Kel to the now-subdued contestants, "the plan is to have you all act out an attack on Redwall. Except it's not a play attack, it's a real attack. Only with . . . _puppet _Redwallers and vermin and such . . . kinda like the vermin you had in the fighting challenge, remember? They're not real actual creatures, they're just OCs created solely for this challenge, so it won't matter so much if they get killed off, 'kay?

"Now you're all going to divide into two teams, since one beast is not really enough to take on all the combined duties in the Abbey at once. As was pointed out by Much Ado About Nonny, in most Redwall books, the Abbey is run by a number of leaders, otherwise know as the Council. So that's what you're all going to be serving as: Council members.

"Now there are going to be two teams of six, all with their own specific duty:

"First off is the Abbess. This is the beast everyone - excuse me, I mean every_beast_looks to for the final decision. All of the other contestants will report to this maiden. She will have to be skilled in doing everything at the same time, and yet wise enough to know when to bow to somebeast else's experience. She will have to stand between the others when they are disputing, lend a helping paw to those of her teammates who need it, and be the face of the Abbey when talking to the Warlord. This is the hardest job, striving for peace in the Abbey . . . during war.

"Second Council Member is Abbey Warrior. Basically the second-in-command; she has authority only in military matters, however. She has to make sure the defense is solid, plan out any offensive manuvers, and figure out when it would be wise to change tactics . . . even in the heat of battle. Now the contestant doesn't have to be an actual Abbey Warrior, but it would be nice if they had skill in warring and fighting and such.

"Third member: Squirrelqueen. This maid is another military leader; all the squirrels report to her. She is a general, sort of, but she specializes in sneaky operations more than out-and-out battles (though she'll need to be good at out-and-out battles, too). She provides invisible cover for The Spy when she's trying to figure out the enemy's plans. And she will probably be a squirrel, also. Now there could've been a Skipper for this challenge, except we only have one otter, and there's a good chance she won't end up being a military leader. I suppose we can have the otters report to the Warrior, or the Squirrelqueen can pull out the greenleaf stone to unite them if we need the otters for a sneak attack or something, 'kay?

"The fourth member of the Council is the Head Cook. This beast is responsible for keeping everybeast fed. This would include being able to plan frugle meals during battle time, keeping an eye on the larder to make sure the Abbey does not run out of food or supplies, and being able to get meals to the fighters during a battle without being shot.

"The next member is the Infirmary Sister. She has to take care of the wounded, but her duties are more than that. She has to be able to coordinate her helpers in getting the fallen off of the battle field, so that the defenders won't be tripping over their own wounded or dead. She also has to decide who is mortally wounded, who is not wounded enough to merit attention at the time, and who can live if she gets him into the Infirmary _right now_, and be able to get medical supplies.

"Last on the list is The Spy. This member infiltrates the enemy's camp to learn of their plans. She must be good at disguise and/or performing. She is also the contestant with the least authority, but she is still very important, because it would be too nice to just give you all the vermin's plans straight off," Kel added with grin that earned him some slightly irritated frowns.

The ferret coughed, and continued.

"Ahem, anyway, this is how we're going to go about this: the Abbess is going to be appointed by popular vote among the contestants - yes, the contestants, because that would make things easier. All twelve of you get two slips of paper, and on each paper, write the name of the two beasts you believe to be the best leaders of the group, and then, you will all place them into this bowl-" Kel held up a sizable wooden bowl "-Survivor style. And the two maidens with the most votes will get the jobs. Now you can vote for yourself if you think you're the most qualified for the job, but please be aware of the fact that the readers will know who you voted for, and will be waiting for you to live up to your ambitions.

"Afterwards, the two Abbesses will be presented with the list of officers they need, and they will pick out their teammates, baseball-style, calling out the other maids' names. When the teams are made up, you get a night to plan out whatever preparations you need.

"Then, for three days, each team must protect the Abbey from the vermin attacking it, all of you going about your duties as well as you can.

"The judges of this challenge will be a Badgermum Bella and Ferahgo the Assassin. Bella will be watching you all from the inside of the Abbey, to see if there are things which could be kept up better and if there are contestants who aren't cooperating very well. Ferahgo will be watching from the outside of the abbey, to see how easy it is to get inside the Abbey.

"And in case any of you are wondering why Bella and Ferahgo have been chosen, is because not only do they not really know any of the contestants personally, but also Ferahgo never came to Redwall, as has some fresh ideas to conquer it, so it'll be an extra challenge. . . ." the ferret paused, and then said, "Well actually, Rose, you and Bella might know each other through fanfiction, right? But then again, Bella's not like Rowanoak, who fought next to you and might be more partial to you. Oh well.

"The Reviewers will vote for the maidens based on who had the best teamwork, who showed the most capability for her post, and who made the best decisions. Every maid will get a chance to shine . . . depending on how she acts.

"Alright, that's it, pretty much. Any questions?"

(It should be noted that during the whole time Kel had been explaining this, the fox from earlier poked his head out of a doorway, made sure that the male ferret hadn't noticed him, and stepped up behind him. The fox then began to dance like a hula dancer, smiling prettily at the contestants, who were trying their hardest not to burst out laughing.)

"Nope? No questions. Alright, let's go!"

* * *

**Disclaimer:**I own nothing 'cept Ferret-Kel and the fox and other OC ideas of mine. ;) :D


	32. Choosing Teams

Kelaiah the ferret grinned at the reader (though not quite as cheerfully as in the last chapter). "Whew! We're finally back! . . . Again. Heh, sorry folks, for the long wait, but I did say that all following updates would take longer than before, didn't I? _Hhhmmmrrrfff!"_

Just like in the previous chapter, Kel's mouth was suddenly covered by a tall, skinny fox.

"And once again," the fox said in a perky manner. "I would like to apologize for my fellow alter-ego's laziness concerning this poor fic-"

Kel slapped the fox's paw away. "Would you quit doing that! Besides, this is MY show!"

"Oh you're think you're so important, don't you, ferret?!" the fox shouted. "You and your little lazer and your fans and clumsiness and your ability to stretch like Elastigirl - well guess what, buddy?! Someday _I'll_ be the celebrity around here, and _I'll_ have my own show, and _I'll_ be the one with all the gorgeous girlfriends!"

Kel furrowed his brow, spreading his paws. "What girlfriends?"

"You know! Like Nonny and Kalyn and-"

"EEEWWW! EW! _EW EW EW EW EEEEEEWWWWWWWW!!!_ Gross! How can you _think_ such a thing?!"

The fox blinked. "You mean you're not . . . _ALRIGHT!_ That means I've gotta chance!" And with that, he ran off.

Kel sighed and facepalmed. "Ugh, they are _not_ going to thank me for that."

* * *

Meanwhile, outside, the twelve contestants were voting on which two maidens would be the abbess for each team.

Mariel, who was sitting a little apart from the others (whether this was because of her . . . _outburst_ during the previous chapter, it was hard to tell), fiddled with her quill, going over all the possible candidates for abbess-ship.

She naturally already thought of Mhera to be one of the abbesses: the otter already was an abbess, after all! But who else could be an abbess?

Well, certainly not herself. Mariel knew that she was far better suited as an Abbey Champion than anything. The same went for Dotti as well.

The mousemaid then decided to figure out who definately couldn't be abbess.

Immediately she knew Celandine and Bluefen wouldn't be right at all as abbesses, neither one had leadership tendencies. And Armel and Pasque were more healers than leaders. The same went for Treerose and Fwirl, so. . . .

So that left Cornflower, Trimp, and Rose.

After a moment or two of thinking, Mariel put down Rose for the second abbess. It seemed fitting that the love of the first Champion should be an abbess.

* * *

"The votes are in," Kelaiah announced. He rummaged around in the large wooden bowel and pulled out twenty-four slips of paper. After a bit of counting, the male ferret looked up.

"The first team's abbess is. . . .

"Mhera."

The ottermaid went and stood up next to Kel amid general clapping; there was no surprise there.

"The second team's abbess is. . . .

"Rose."

The mousemaid went and stood on the other side of Kel while her fellow contestants clapped for her as well.

"Alright then, Abbesses. Now its time for each of you to pick your team members.

"Mhera, who do you chose as your team's Abbey Champion?"

The otter considered for a moment before saying, "Dotti."

The haremaid grinned and galloped over to her fellow mole-speaking pal.

"Rose, who do you chose as your team's Abbey Champion?"

"Mariel, of course."

Mariel grinned and marched over to Rose's side.

Kel nodded and went on. "Mhera, who do you choose as your Squirrelqueen?"

Mhera smiled. "Fwirl. The best tree-whiffler I know."

The red-gold squirrelmaid hid her face with her tail and scurried to her friend's side.

"Rose, who do you choose as your Squirrelqueen?"

The mousemaid took a little bit more time in answering before saying, "Treerose. She's a very fast squirrel."

The squirrelmaid beamed and went and stood by Mariel.

"Now then," said Kel. "I let Mhera choose her teammates first, but now I'm going to let Rose pick out the next two. Rose, who is your Head Cook?"

"Cornflower."

"I should've known," the mousewife sighed with a smile. She went and stood with her team.

"Mhera, who is your Head Cook?"

"Hm," the ottermaid said as she considered her choices. Finally she chose Trimp.

"Rose, who is your Infirmary Sister?"

"I choose Pasque."

The pretty harewife beamed and stood with her team.

"Mhera, who-"

"Armel."

"Alright then," the male ferret laughed as the squirrelwife hurried to her team's side. "Okay, the last remaining contestants have to be Spys, so I'll be choosing which team they'll be going to."

Silence.

"Team One . . . you guys get . . . Celandine."

Since none of them looked disappointed, the pretty squirrelmaid skipped smilingly over to their side.

Kel smiled at Bluefen. "I think you know which team you're going on now."

The ferretwife returned the smile and stood by Treerose.

Kel then stood before the two teams. "Alright then, now that you've all been divided up, you have this night to get prepared for the three-day seige tomorrow. You'll receive further instruction in the morning, but for now, I suggest you get things . . . spruced up, eh? Y'know, get all the necessary items and such? . . . Yeah. Well, until next time!"

And with that, the male ferret disappeared in a mysterious whirlwind. . . .

. . . and the fox from earlier jumped out.

"Hi there ladies! Any of you wanna skip the seige tomorrow and have a date with your's truly?"

Kel's angry head and arm suddenly shot out of a plot-hole and seized the fox, pulling him away from the startled contestants.

* * *

_"Arrggg,_ hey! Aw, c'mon, Kel! You never let me have any fun!" the fox whined, jerking himself free from the irate ferret.

"What have I told you?!" Kelaiah shouted. "No flirting with the contestants! Arrgg, first Cheek, now you, _ugh."_ He turned to the reader. "Oh yeah, and in case any of you were wondering, this fox here is my . . . understudy, so to speak, though lately he's become a bit restless and keeps on popping up when he _shouldn't be,"_ the ferret added in a growl to the fox.

"Humph! You can repress me all you want, Kel! But some day, _I'll_ be the handsome star of the show, and _you'll_ be the one scrounging for scraps of pity and love!"

Kel blinked. "You scrounge for scraps of pity and love? I had no idea!"

The fox then also blinked, scratching his head. "Well, actually, that's a bit of a dramatization, but . . . you get my point."

". . . you mean you just made me feel sorry for you when I didn't have to?!"

The fox grinned. "Yeah, pretty much."

"AARRGG! . . . anyway, dear reader, as I was saying, this fox is my understudy, and goes by the name 'Fox-Kel'. Or you can call him 'Fox-Kelaiah', except that's too big a mouthful."

"You can also call me 'Kelly'," Fox-Kel put in perkily. "I don't mind being called that, unlike _some_ creatures around here."

"Yeah, call _him_ 'Kelly'," Ferret-Kel said pointedly. "But don't call _me_ 'Kelly'! Hmph!"

Fox-Kel snickered.

"Well _anyway,"_ Ferret-Kel went on. "I hope you all aren't too disappointed with this chapter, and I hope to have the next one up sooner than this one.

"Also, I wish give a few announcements concerning Brian Jacques' newest Redwall book, _The Sable Quean._ Its release date (so far) is February the twenty-third of two-thousand and ten. A bit of a ways off, but I think we can tough it out until then.

"I have a few spoilers for it, though I will try not to give away too much:

"There were rumors and speculation that _The Sable Quean_ is just a repeat of _Mattimeo._ Well, as it turns out, its not. Also, there aren't as many riddles and puzzles, and there is a warrior-mole (if you wish to find out more about him, go to the Redwall Wiki).

"Also, there is supposed to be a 'gray character', though that could mean anything. In the previous books, when I found out there were 'gray characters', I was disappointed to find that didn't mean 'good vermin'. So don't get your hopes up, vermin-lovers.

"And finally, on Redwall Wiki, there is a description of the book's main antagonist, Vilaya, who is a female sable."

Suddenly Ublaz Mad-Eyes appeared, reading the description of Vilaya off a piece of parchment.

"Oh my Pearls of Lutra! She's _beautiful!_ My _match!_ My . . . my . . . _she's everything I want in a female! _I CAN _FINALLY_ HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!!"

Atunra, the female pine marten from _High Rhulain, _just so happened to be standing behind Ublaz. She crossed her arms and snorted angrily.

Ferret-Kel blinked. "Er . . . yeah."

Fox-Kel snickered.

"Well anyway . . . also, I would like to request to you all that you read my new fic _Vile._ If you like Broadway Musicals (such as _Wicked_) or if you like _Outcast of Redwall_, then that's the fic for you.

"And . . . yeah. That's all I have to say. Welp, good-bye, folks."

"G'byyyyyeeeee!!" Fox-Kel sang, give a wave and a dance.

Ferret-Kel sighed. "I'd say 'I need more coffee' except I don't like coffee."

* * *

**A/N:** Just to be clear, I do like the _smell_ of coffee. I just don't care to drink it. ;)

**Sable Quean Release Date:** Feb 23 2010

**Team 1**  
**Abbess:** Mhera  
**Warrior:** Dotti  
**Squirrelqueen:** Fwirl  
**Head Cook:** Trimp  
**Infirmary Sister:** Armel  
**Spy:** Celandine

**Team 2  
Abbess:** Rose  
**Warrior:** Mariel  
**Squirrelqueen:** Treerose  
**Head Cook:** Cornflower  
**Infirmary Sister:** Pasque  
**Spy:** Bluefen


End file.
